invincible

the reality of death is never

as real as when it is staring you in the face

its hollow eyes piercing all your paradigms

its vapid mouth breathing stench in your nostrils and

you can't even speak

its shrill scream piercing the night and 

making the very hairs of your body stand straight

death is a monster that consumes

the jock

the joker

the mom

the dad

the best friend

the prom queen

the CEO

it tickles your ears in the symphony of this life

it entices you, tells you its more beautiful than what you think

but the reality of it all is that

death is nothing more than our eventual fate. 

we are not invincible. 

we are never invincible. 

shadows cast on my face

the wear and tear of life has brought me to this place

and there's only one thing to say: 

life goes on.

the artist's lament

i catch my moods in pans as the rain pitter

patters down and swirls into my sentiments. 

for a heart to be loved it must be recognized. 

invisibility is only a gift in the movies. 

nowhere in history can you find

an invisible man who was recognized

for although they count it as strength

it is their ever consuming weakness.

and my sentiments are being stuffed in my heart

so deep i think the bottom might fall out and 

spill all over my insides. a beautiful tragedy. 

for i am void and find no location to express

the things i think that could rattle the 

foundations of my own thoughts. 

where art and humanity collide

finds a girl who is deeply involved in her mind

someone who can't pretend like the tempest

is non existent, for it is altogether consumption

i must find a way to express these longings

before i explode into a million pieces

and in my desperation to be something more, 

start using each piece for another clever catch phrase

there has to be a way i can get this out 

to find the freedom that i seek inside my mind

it isn't a bondage, it's volunteer captivity

but still, there is a price to be paid

my heart must be worn inside out. 

hagar

there's a south wind blowing, and the breeze bites at my flesh as i wrap my shawl tighter around my fragile, chilling body. i am turning around in circles, hoping to take another look in some direction and find some kind of distinguishing factor that will point me in the right direction. alas, nothing. 

this is not unfamiliar to me in my few meager years of life. i have been here before, and will not be surprised if i find myself here again. each time i end up in the middle of this tundra, wrapped in solitude and crazy thoughts, i am surprised that i have once again been dropped here. there is something to be said of a woman who tried different things and got the same result. 

the wind blows again, and i'm altogether sure that it's more than the breeze that is biting. perhaps it's the foul words that were uttered to return me to this place. i have once again been abandoned and am realizing second by second, sitting on this boulder, that i have not learned from my mistakes. 

i am fragile and thick headed. i am arrogant in my own rights and insecure in all my own efforts. i am strong and sensitive. i am a rebel with a cause. i am afraid of standing out even though i despise normality. and it confuses people. so, just like when an owner is tired of its puppy, i get left here with a bit of food and water, hoping someone else will pick me up and take me home. hey, better luck next time, right? 

but it's been wrong thus far. 

so i stand up with my black shawl like saran wrap pressed against my skin, and steam escapes from between my lips as i shout: "WHY? after all of this, the lessons learned, everything i've been through, why would you let another one abandon me like this? why would you leave me out here to fend for myself?"

and the silent answer echoes back from the startling blue skies: "cause i can't have you any other way." 

chills run like roaches down my spine, this infectious disease called humanity has once again been made apparent by the gentlest voice that this world has ever known. and it's in this moment i understand everything that's happened to me my whole life: 

i was not abandoned pointlessly. 

i was abandoned to my Creator, my Beloved. 

He wants all of me. 

and i must give Him all of me completely.

i wrap myself in the warmth of this new discovery, and start walking. who cares what direction? for i know my Beloved will always guide me Home.

more than enough

i find i am so desperate to be heard that i don't listen

and so desperate to be seen that i don't seek

i look for love instead of letting love look for me

.backwards all is it (?)

what can satisfy this confusion and longing 

this desire to be known? 

only that God that knows me and has shaped me 

with the very palm of His hand, 

the same hand that contains my destiny?

how can i see this beauty and claim it's not enough?

what a selfish, frail being i am

and what a demanding child i've become. 

Lord, i promise, someday i'll get it. 

and someday Your love will be more than 

"more than enough"

beautiful

i'm having one of those moments. 

the kind where you see something you used to long for so bad you weren't sure you could live without it. and then you were forced to live without it...but now you're glad you let it go because you would have never found the best thing that happened to you? 

i tripped in the waves and scraped my knee today. 

i don't know why i said that, but it reminded me of falling in love you: painful, but so worth the evidence. 

i'm so in love with you and you don't even know it. :) 

choices.

today, i talked to an admissions counselor at the college i've always planned to go to. he was extremely friendly and had a great smile. every question i asked was met with a very professional yet opinionated answer, and he knew just what to say to make me more and more impressed with a school that already impressed me. he gave me shortcuts and options that made everything seem that much easier. and 30 minutes later, as i walked away, i left with a sense of resolution. 

a couple days ago, i was trying to sleep to avoid the impending nausea that i knew was coming due to the minor turbulence our plane was going to face in the stages of landing. i had knocked out easily with a specific dream of him and i, sitting on the couch in our newly furnished home, eating snap peas and watching moulin rouge. it was quite a beautiful scenario. and 2 minutes into it, as my head popped off my pillow, i found a sense of resolution. 

two random happenings that have one major connection. 

my life is finally falling into place. 

i'm going to be a christian counselor. i'm going to transfer to SAGU and get a bachelor's in professional development (specializing in christian counseling) and then i'm going to get my master's in counseling psychology; which, by the time i graduate, will have me prepared for the LPC (licensed professional counselor) test. and i'm going to help people with it. my bachelor's in professional development will help me land a good job while i finish school so i can help lots of sexually abused women who are almost always left to an un-licensed person who has been through the crucible of abuse, or a professional who is too far removed from the subject matter to really understand. i want to be a light that has both aspects; experience and a degree. 

and i think he's it. that's all i'm going to say on that matter, considering i'm too scared to commit to an ice cream flavor i ordered 5 minutes before. 

i think i finally understand what i was made to do. 

pot of gold

where the sun sets and beyond the cloudy horizon

lies a place where only the brave dare to trod

and their shoes are tattering and their jeans are torn

but if you asked any wayward traveller, they'd tell you it was worth

selling all the gold in the world to find this one precious jewel

as dreams fade into the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

smiling with the end of the road in sight

beautiful in the meadow, frightening in the stark night

this place is only to be found by the ones willing to find

and only to be discovered by the ones willing to search

if you found it you would never go back

never give up

never long for the past 

for finding love is one of the greatest adventures known to man. 

walking advertisements for pain.

come one, come all!

come see the girl who knows

how to ruin a perfectly good thing

with a golden touch

she can open her mouth and turn joy to rust

she can move her fingers and melt love into hatred

with one quick flick of her wrist she can paint disaster

and she does it all for the low price of your heart

what a master at her craft!

have you ever seen anyone like her? 

the brilliant destruction that lies before her

at the end of each show

...you'd never know she regrets it every time. 

come one, come all!

come see, come see the girl

who is capable of ruining even the 

simplest of joys. 

come one, come all!

come see, come see the girl

who turns pure joy into mere sorrow. 

the girl who just wishes she could get it right this time,

the one time it actually matters. 

the girl who is truly sorry. 

oh, dear. don't cry.

in the land of comparison, there is no winner. 

no absolutes. just...broken scales

tainted by the sands of time

stained by the sorrow of yesterday 

and nobody knows how to play the game anymore. 

it's all convoluted

where up should be down, east is west

and the sky is green and the grass is blue

the problem lies within the human heart

for above all, it is deceitful. 

for one day, it could tell you you're unworthy of it all

and the next, it reminds you that you're falling in love

alice in wonderland made more sense than this uncharted territory

...at least for me. 

prince charming prefers going for walks now 

and hourglasses are frozen in place

a pawn from the life-size chess board is left alone in the dark night

the living candle is constantly looking over his shoulder. 

while the universe may be against some altogether

i'm altogether sure that i'm just in an alternate universe.