i am martha

if you only knew, Lord.

i've had lots on my mind. it's not like i'm a sitting duck anymore. rehearsalworkschoolstudyingmusicworshipwritingreadingprayingfastingtalkingsharingsleepingfighting.
running here, jogging there, pacing the floor making sure i got everything done because if i didn't someone is going to notice and my completely perfectly micromanaged world that looks good all on the outside will come crashing in. i am martha.

oh, Lord, how i long for the days when i had time. how i wish it was like the days of mary, when i would sit at your feet and listen to your confessions of love sung and spoken over me. when i knew life couldn't be any better.

but then life got the better of me.
now i'm wishing that i wasn't upset and worried about many things
for only one thing is needed, and mary has chosen what is better.
if you only knew, Lord.

musicmakers

the breath of my lips brushes the wind, (and)
breathe deep, for this could last forever
as the angels' wings (like wind chimes) flap from north to south
shimmering in an emerald glow

(and) what's before my eyes is near impossible, (but)
what's inside my heart is sheer reality
(oh!) how i wish you could hear it, too!
these music makers (plucking the very strings of my soul)

their eyes blink like tambourine hits
percussive heartbeats, melodious sighs (and)
as a chill fills the room, their icicle-breath like a rainstick
(would you?) sing over me, musicmakers

for i am mesmerized by the songs of angels

to walk in their sandals

i desire to abide on the mountaintop
for i am like moses; and long for Your glory
and i wish i could reach to the heavens
for i am like jacob; and dream of that day

i crave the moment when i will sit at Your feet
for i am like mary; and find nothing more precious
and i hunger for the moment that You call me 'friend'
for i am like abraham and would give You all i love

i covet the days when You will go before me
for i am like david; broken, yet anointed
and i seek out the moments when i see Your eyes of fire
for i am like john; and declare You are sovereign

i want to know how it feels to be restored by Your touch
for i am like the sick woman; diseased, afflicted, and desperate
but i know that You're faithful and i'll love You forever
for i am like job and know You are God.

wanderings

i'm feeling like there's something important on my mind, but i'm not persistent enough to chase whatever it might be. maybe next time.

goodnight, moon.

[untitled]

the blinking cursor on the page is threatening me, and i find that although i have everything in the world to say, i'm not sure if my thoughts can make it all the way to my fingertips tonight. all i know is that the questions swimming around in their heads are contagious and now i can't stop thinking about all of this. i feel utterly rejected yet again today. they poke and prod with their playful words and their playful nature and i'm so easily provoked to tears. i'm sure they don't want that. but it's days like these where i feel like i'm crazy and nobody gets me and that i'll be alone forever. i know, it sounds crazy, but it's so true for me as a college student. as i grow and change, will you stay? i was hoping they'd lease on a house and they didn't. and all my plans are falling through. i don't really know quite what i'm trying to say, all i know is that the tears that have been camping on the brink of my eyelids are going to come raining down any minute.