why is it such a crime to the world for me to be myself?
i look at myself in a mirror, and i finally smile...
so why do people start criticizing?
i'm trying to do the best i can.
i'm sorry that i'm not quiet and shy.
i'm sorry that i'm not focused and upright.
i'm sorry that i'm not always modest and humble.
i'm sorry that i tend to speak before i think,
that i have a problem with patience,
that i can seem overbearing and intimidating,
that i can be percieved as immature at times
because i simply enjoy my life.
i'm tired of apologizing because
i'm some sort of menace to the adult world.
if someone could just explain to me what harm being myself has done...?
seven year olds and dishwashing soap
i love hearing a seven year old's imagination come to life. i often wonder if they even see what i see or if their eyes put them in a completely alternate universe. running through a house suddenly becomes dodging skyscrapers, and jumping off chairs (however...i wouldn't suggest letting them do this often) suddenly becomes skydiving. there is no end to the way their brains can compose a beautiful scene. i hear his screams and conversations and his voice inflections, informing me that there are two people involved in this conversation, even though i can only see one of them. he whizzes past me, yelling something about how the world is coming to an end if they don't take care of the supervillian across town. i smile and giggle to myself as i get back to washing the dishes, remembering the days when i used to be the same exact way. but life happened to me. and when i start a conversation with someone only i can see, it causes people to question my sanity. when i jump off chairs and run around my apartment, people laugh. it's just part of growing up. i hear his tiny footsteps on the floor above my head, and i feel the immense innocence emanating through the house. i know i'm supposed to be cleaning, but i'm fascinated by this story he's written with his toys. a laugh echoes through the house, the kind of laugh that comes from deep within your belly. the kind that makes everyone around laugh. and so i laugh with him, and i don't care if i look crazy. all i know is that childlike innocence makes me happy. all i care about in this moment is the fact that i'm finally getting a vacation from my life. there's nothing more i desire than to run upstairs and join him. but i know i'm too old for that sort of thing now, so i turn my focus once again to washing the dishes. he runs around the living room again, shooting invisible webs out of his hands. then something about let's go get the guy! and he's off again.
je n'ai rien à dire (i have nothing to say)
i'm sitting on the computer,
so i might as well start typing
and see what flows out of this empty head of mine.
things haven't gotten much better.
my writing is still lacking...something,
i can't quite put my finger on what it is.
i'm falling in love with God all over again,
so that can't be the issue.
i'm not going to play doctor and
try to figure out what the problem is, either.
because whether or not i like it,
this emptiness keeps coming back.
sometimes, i think it's just simply that
i've emptied my brain's poetic thought onto paper
and there's nothing left,
that it's gonna take a while before
things are back to the way they should be.
but i can't handle that answer.
i can't handle the thought of having nothing to say.
i can't handle the fear that this isn't temporary,
that i will never be able to write like i once did again.
and i'm sure someone is looking at this
and thinking that i'm a writer,
that this prose is striking...but the truth is,
i'm lacking.
i'm lacking that feeling i would get
when my passion would surge through my fingertips
onto the keyboard and do the talking for me.
i feel like i'm missing that functionality
that my writing once had. it used to be so dramatic
and yet so real. so poetic
and yet so simple.
and now it's just a lazy excuse
to sit around on a computer and try and
remember where i put my creative mind.
i must have replaced it with logic.
will i ever be able to write again like i once did?
and if not, is this just part of an artist's growing up?
and if so, will i ever get used to this way of creating?
and if not, will i always just be longing for the good old days?
so i might as well start typing
and see what flows out of this empty head of mine.
things haven't gotten much better.
my writing is still lacking...something,
i can't quite put my finger on what it is.
i'm falling in love with God all over again,
so that can't be the issue.
i'm not going to play doctor and
try to figure out what the problem is, either.
because whether or not i like it,
this emptiness keeps coming back.
sometimes, i think it's just simply that
i've emptied my brain's poetic thought onto paper
and there's nothing left,
that it's gonna take a while before
things are back to the way they should be.
but i can't handle that answer.
i can't handle the thought of having nothing to say.
i can't handle the fear that this isn't temporary,
that i will never be able to write like i once did again.
and i'm sure someone is looking at this
and thinking that i'm a writer,
that this prose is striking...but the truth is,
i'm lacking.
i'm lacking that feeling i would get
when my passion would surge through my fingertips
onto the keyboard and do the talking for me.
i feel like i'm missing that functionality
that my writing once had. it used to be so dramatic
and yet so real. so poetic
and yet so simple.
and now it's just a lazy excuse
to sit around on a computer and try and
remember where i put my creative mind.
i must have replaced it with logic.
will i ever be able to write again like i once did?
and if not, is this just part of an artist's growing up?
and if so, will i ever get used to this way of creating?
and if not, will i always just be longing for the good old days?
balancing acts with hundred pound weights
this empty screen stares at me, screaming, begging for me to say something. but i find i'm at a loss for anything more than meaningless, purposeless words. i feel like that's all i've got lately, words with no meaning, a heart with no purpose. and maybe it stems from never having time to feel. this walk with God has relied on doctrine and logic and structure so much that i don't even remember what it's like to actually walk with Him. to know what His touch feels like, to feel His arms wrap around me. to hear Him whispering love in my ear. i fear that i'm losing my intimacy with Him, like i'm drowning in my theology and forgetting what it sounds like to hear His voice.
and maybe i'm alone in this. maybe, i'm the only one that feels like i'm getting carried away with building my foundation that i've forgotten what it's all about. maybe i'm the only one who doesn't understand where that immense love went. because they're right, "it's not about how you feel", but i've got to find and rekindle that passion that i've let fade. God is near, and God and i are incredibly deep in each other right now. but i want to feel His love today, not just know it's there. i know that the wind is there, the breeze exists. but i want to feel it brush my face and tickle my eyelids. and that's what i want from God. Lord, can You just love on me a little? this whole balance thing is much harder than i remember. can You show me You love me?
and maybe i'm alone in this. maybe, i'm the only one that feels like i'm getting carried away with building my foundation that i've forgotten what it's all about. maybe i'm the only one who doesn't understand where that immense love went. because they're right, "it's not about how you feel", but i've got to find and rekindle that passion that i've let fade. God is near, and God and i are incredibly deep in each other right now. but i want to feel His love today, not just know it's there. i know that the wind is there, the breeze exists. but i want to feel it brush my face and tickle my eyelids. and that's what i want from God. Lord, can You just love on me a little? this whole balance thing is much harder than i remember. can You show me You love me?
the leaves are too green
oh, how i am wishing that fall would come. not for any particular reason, mind you, i think a change of pace is what i need. the brisk fall wind slapping me in the face as i step outside with my hands in my pockets and a scarf around my neck. i would be walking with no agenda, no destination, with nothing in mind but a million things on my mind. the leaves would blanket me as i would wander aimlessly beneath the trees. a latte in hand would be nice, but not necessary. mostly, i'd just have time to think and ponder all these things that have transpired over the time that i've been away from home. i've become a completely different person. circumstances have changed me and i've changed circumstances. and i haven't done enough thinking.
i get so caught up in the busyness of life, in the details of my time here at CFNI, that i forget that this kind of thing only happens once in a lifetime. i should be cherishing it, i should be reveling in it. i'm not saying i should block out the world around me, because if i do that, everything i do here is in vain. i'm mostly saying that sometimes i've gotta relax. live a little. do something i've never done before. expand my horizons. be adventurous like i claim to be.
and i think fall is just what i need.
i get so caught up in the busyness of life, in the details of my time here at CFNI, that i forget that this kind of thing only happens once in a lifetime. i should be cherishing it, i should be reveling in it. i'm not saying i should block out the world around me, because if i do that, everything i do here is in vain. i'm mostly saying that sometimes i've gotta relax. live a little. do something i've never done before. expand my horizons. be adventurous like i claim to be.
and i think fall is just what i need.
organic coffee and french catch phrases
i've got ten minutes to write down what i'm thinking, before i have to get back to my apartment. there isn't much floating around in this brain of mine nowadays, i'm just trying to figure out how to get myself thinking again. there's nothing valuable to value anymore. there's nothing important for me to articulate. what happened to me that caused me to be so...vacant?
romancing the stone
there's something different about us.
i can't quite put my finger on it, and i don't quite like to talk about it.
because, although i haven't always been this way,
i'm quite bashful and reserved when it comes to you.
i just don't want us to become something that people get used to.
i never get used to the way you make me feel when you call me darling
i don't want to get used to the way your fingers feel when they lace through mine.
i never get used to the practical side of you and me, the friendship we've built.
i don't ever want to get used to your smile, the one that penetrates my heart.
i can't possibly get used to that voice, the one that still makes my insides go crazy.
i haven't told you that i love you yet.
and honestly, i don't plan to for a while.
but there's some comfort in that,
no stress, no worries,
just you and me.
and i really like it that way.
you've shown me that even a heart of stone can't keep you away.
[untitled]
fall is coming, they're saying
but i'm not ready for a change
i'm not even ready for the morning to come
i just got used to this day
only to find it's once again over
in this state of change i find
that my yesterdays spill over into
the todays that i've so carefully composed
and while i'm nothing like i used to be
i'm exactly who i was before
i'm still breathing i'm still human
you still cut me i still bleed
i still long to know i'm lovely
and i still laugh and cry and speak
summer was a time to mourn
quite an irony if you look to the skies
but now here's fall and with the season
comes a bit of fading away
the fading away of the bitter insecurity
the death of my fear and my doubt
but it's comfortable to be in this state of mind
so i keep inviting in the same voices
the same feelings the same pain
there's going to be a time
when the change is gonna come
and i'm gonna welcome it with open arms
no shame or guilt drowning me
fall is coming, they're saying.
but i'm not ready for a change
i'm not even ready for the morning to come
i just got used to this day
only to find it's once again over
in this state of change i find
that my yesterdays spill over into
the todays that i've so carefully composed
and while i'm nothing like i used to be
i'm exactly who i was before
i'm still breathing i'm still human
you still cut me i still bleed
i still long to know i'm lovely
and i still laugh and cry and speak
summer was a time to mourn
quite an irony if you look to the skies
but now here's fall and with the season
comes a bit of fading away
the fading away of the bitter insecurity
the death of my fear and my doubt
but it's comfortable to be in this state of mind
so i keep inviting in the same voices
the same feelings the same pain
there's going to be a time
when the change is gonna come
and i'm gonna welcome it with open arms
no shame or guilt drowning me
fall is coming, they're saying.
adventure please?
i'm feeling like i could use a change of pace.
do you ever feel like you want to drive around the world?
but instead, i'm running in circles.
college is great, but wow is it redundant.
do you ever feel like you want to drive around the world?
but instead, i'm running in circles.
college is great, but wow is it redundant.
"for your Maker is your Husband, the Almighty is His name."
while i'm supposed to be reading, my wandering mind is drawn back to the topic of LOVE as christians. isn't it amusing that we've set such a double standard of it out of our ignorance? i choose to believe that we didn't know we were setting said standard, just for the fact that i'm trying to be more positive of the body of Christ. so i'm proposing this: if love for your spouse is a committment, isn't our love for God the same? and if that's the case, is "backsliding" an option? we say we "love" God, but as Christians, across the board, you wouldn't be able to find our committment to Him with a magnifying glass. and if that's the case, then what am i committing to when i say i'm in love with Him?
love is patient and kind, it doesn't envy or boast. it isn't proud or rude or self seeking. it's not angered easily, and it doesn't keep score. love doesn't rejoice when others fall, but rejoices in the truth. it always protects, always trusts, hopes, and perseveres.
am i patient in waiting on the Lord? do i always trust that even though it takes forever to get to where He takes me, that it's gonna work out?
the word "kind" in the Greek is "to treat as one's own kin, one's own family". doesn't that change the whole entire meaning of the word? "He came to that which was His own, but His own did not recieve Him. but to those who recieved Him, to those who believe in His name, He gave the right to become children of God" (john 1:11). and so it makes sense to treat God like our Daddy, with the respect and love and just complete awe He deserves.
love does not envy. it was hard for me to think of how this fit into the context of our relationship with God. and then i remembered about how Lucifer was taken from Heaven because he thought he could be greater than God. he envied God's power and gift. and do i struggle with the same?
it seems silly to think that i could boast to God, but so many times, i boast in my own gift instead of in Him. it's the difference between boasting in ourselves and boasting in God.
love isn't proud. that means i'm not unwilling to admit our faults to a God who is bigger than they are.
love isn't rude. i need to honor God even in the moments when i feel like dishonoring Him.
love isn't self seeking. i don't serve God because of what i get out of it, i serve God because He is God. and if my motives are ever for any other reason, i've failed in my committment to Him.
love isn't easily angered. i don't always understand what God is doing in my life, and for me to be angry at Him is senseless. He sees the big picture. He knows what is best, and i'm going to have to learn to trust Him with all that i am.
love keeps no record of wrongs. have you ever met someone who just keeps pounding out a list of things that "God" supposedly did to them? of course, those of us in the church never do that. we would never say anything like "God, where were you on 9-11? God, why did you let them die?", right? i can't think about the things that don't make sense about God, i just have to trust that He'll work them for His good.
love does not delight in evil. i should never be looking for harsh justice upon others from God. jonah prayed that God would smite nineveh, but God's will is that none should perish, and shouldn't my desires be the same?
love rejoices in the truth. so many people have fallen away from God because they "exchanged the truth of God for a lie" (romans 1). i don't ever want to be one of those people. i want to love truth more than i love acceptance or sin.
love always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.
may i never take my commitment lightly, for my Maker is my Husband. He is the one i love. and in that, i will commit myself to Him forever and ever.
love is patient and kind, it doesn't envy or boast. it isn't proud or rude or self seeking. it's not angered easily, and it doesn't keep score. love doesn't rejoice when others fall, but rejoices in the truth. it always protects, always trusts, hopes, and perseveres.
am i patient in waiting on the Lord? do i always trust that even though it takes forever to get to where He takes me, that it's gonna work out?
the word "kind" in the Greek is "to treat as one's own kin, one's own family". doesn't that change the whole entire meaning of the word? "He came to that which was His own, but His own did not recieve Him. but to those who recieved Him, to those who believe in His name, He gave the right to become children of God" (john 1:11). and so it makes sense to treat God like our Daddy, with the respect and love and just complete awe He deserves.
love does not envy. it was hard for me to think of how this fit into the context of our relationship with God. and then i remembered about how Lucifer was taken from Heaven because he thought he could be greater than God. he envied God's power and gift. and do i struggle with the same?
it seems silly to think that i could boast to God, but so many times, i boast in my own gift instead of in Him. it's the difference between boasting in ourselves and boasting in God.
love isn't proud. that means i'm not unwilling to admit our faults to a God who is bigger than they are.
love isn't rude. i need to honor God even in the moments when i feel like dishonoring Him.
love isn't self seeking. i don't serve God because of what i get out of it, i serve God because He is God. and if my motives are ever for any other reason, i've failed in my committment to Him.
love isn't easily angered. i don't always understand what God is doing in my life, and for me to be angry at Him is senseless. He sees the big picture. He knows what is best, and i'm going to have to learn to trust Him with all that i am.
love keeps no record of wrongs. have you ever met someone who just keeps pounding out a list of things that "God" supposedly did to them? of course, those of us in the church never do that. we would never say anything like "God, where were you on 9-11? God, why did you let them die?", right? i can't think about the things that don't make sense about God, i just have to trust that He'll work them for His good.
love does not delight in evil. i should never be looking for harsh justice upon others from God. jonah prayed that God would smite nineveh, but God's will is that none should perish, and shouldn't my desires be the same?
love rejoices in the truth. so many people have fallen away from God because they "exchanged the truth of God for a lie" (romans 1). i don't ever want to be one of those people. i want to love truth more than i love acceptance or sin.
love always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.
may i never take my commitment lightly, for my Maker is my Husband. He is the one i love. and in that, i will commit myself to Him forever and ever.
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