season's change

oh, my dear, i thought it was different this time. 

but here we sit, this spot on the avenue that is so familiar to my heart. 

was i always really this expendable? this worthless?

i'm blown back by the realities slapping me in the face

just like the bitter wind you promised wouldn't bite

why should i miss you? your words were probably always so empty

why should i wish you were here as i watch you walking away without one glance back?

and i keep coming to the same conclusions:

maybe you were never there. 

maybe you were never the man i thought you were. 

maybe you just shattered my heart into a million pieces. 

maybe now i understand why love is such a plague.

abraham

i am standing before this altar, knife in hand

wishing this could have played out much differently

for the blood i am preparing to spill is much more valuable that my own

yet i am reminded of the cause, and will not back down from this predatory stance

my dreams are worthless here

everything i created in my mind couldn't compare to the task that lay ahead of me

to carve my Master's name in the heart of an innocent sacrifice

and say it's all in the name of love? 

i know that trust is so debatable in the peak of my humanity

and i don't want to be known for generations to come as a coward

because i know my God is greater than even the circumstances He orchestrates

He will prove Himself faithful...right? 

oh, God, be with me. 

the knife is shaking as my blade descends, 

and i...i....

...i don't know the end of this story.

[untitled]

as the thunder rolls across the sky

i'm left alone to my torturous thoughts

oh, Lord, deliver me from myself!

i'm in pure agony wishing i'd known how to stop

wishing i'd known how to protect him from myself

wishing i was an angel that the world could behold

and yet, my disgusting humanity is made blatantly apparent

and as it pours sheets of rain

i feel my heart breaking a million times over

for when i feel the nearest to you

that, that moment, is when i fall the hardest. 

please God, understand my contrite heart

see me in my brokenness and utter resistance

and understand this fragile existence

that's really doing the best it can. 

Lord, i'm really doing the best i can.

eruption

gotta soothe the pain of the boiling tide that's washing over my logic and making my heart race. my head is pounding and i think it might explode. my hands balled up in fists, heat escaping from my body through the shouting that erupts from my mouth. nothing is going to soothe this irritation continuously scratching at my heart till it bleeds. make me raw and expose the insides to the whole world, especially those i care for the most. will they be able to handle the monster raging inside of me? the one that hibernates for decades and only lashes out on the rarest of occasions? the one that forsakes all thought and reason and understanding and compassion and just desires to take something down? welcome to my anger. 

writer's block

tell me something to say to break this inadvertent cycle of holding my proverbial tongue

running out of words is a foreign concept to an artist like me, 

painting pictures with the syllables that rattle off my tongue

and yet here i sit, with absolutely no way to articulate the dreams lingering on my insides.

glimpses of the past month

"before i lay me down to sleep 

my incoherent thoughts seem to stumble into something condusive

like another world, a fairytale. 

and when i wake once again, 

i find that my seemingly captivating thoughts

were merely misfirings in my brain called

dreams."

"fear shoots down my spine, i feel like it's all coming to its demise. and then you speak little god-whispers, a lullaby that drowns out the storm."

"i wished on my star that you would be waiting for me in the distant corridors of my oh-so-fragile heart, reminding me of your willingness to take up permanent residency. oh, how i hope the search is over." 

"love, when it is true, when it is right, will complicate the simple, yet simplify the complicated. but love, when it is wrong, will complicate both the simple and the complicated."

"you asked me for a love song so i'm writing you goodbye"

edge

i've run so far and now i can't seem to break the winner's ribbon. i want to stay on this side, because it's all i've worked for and i wouldn't want it to be over. but i know if i break that line, it's all done. there's no walking back over the that line and taping the ribbon back together. it's the end of everything i've battled through and trained for. do i dare cross the line to discover what's on the other side?

waiting.

you promised me the world hand in hand,
dream in dream, lifetime in lifetime,
you promised me that no matter what the outcome,
i'd always be able to stare at you and smile.

and perhaps that's still the case.

but here i stand, sitting on my hands
the most beautiful contradiction i've never
wanted to walk away from.

i just want to see my name handwritten
all over the confines of your oh-so-broken heart
because i know that in the end,
my name looks better there anyway.

yet here i stand, sitting on my hands
praying that you'll come back and never leave
even though you never walked away.

careful, the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.

thanks, starbucks. i wouldn't have remembered had i not seen that beautiful green printed reminder on the bottom of the cup.

[sigh] i wish life had reminders like that:

careful, the love you're about to enjoy is a lot like that coffee; if you're not careful, you'll enjoy it for a moment, but you'll end up burned and with a bitter taste in your mouth.