awaken

“daughters of Jerusalem, i charge you by the gazelles and does of the field: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” [song of songs 3:5]

there’s a dream that is common to every girl. there’s a really handsome boy who is fascinated by her every move, her every breath, and wants to ride up on his big white horse and rescue her from her perfectly normal and ordinary life to make her life extraordinary. and there is nothing wrong with this dream. we wake up with hope and expectation, and an inability to settle for anything less.

and then we find him.

he’s beautiful. he really is. inside and out. especially out. he’s our friend but one day we realize how cute he is and how much we get along. he’s chivalrous and we think he’s quite capable of being our rescuer. so we back off. we start this “game” that has been around for centuries and we tell ourselves that it’s more “mysterious and that’s what guys want”. then we get frustrated when they don’t fight for us, we see no horse on the horizon, and we are bored. so we take things into our own hands. we walk ourselves off the cliff and dive into love, a concept we’re not ready for yet.

i’ve loved a man. when i first saw him, i was immediately drawn in by the warmth of his shy smile and the way his curls tumbled down to his deep, dark brown eyes. he had the uncanny ability to make me stutter and stumble through my words and everything i would try to explain to him. i could never remember his name, or what semester he was in, all i could remember was how beautiful i found him to be. one night, he mentioned C.S. Lewis and lots of good music, and i was immediately taken in and fascinated by this person i barely knew. i can’t explain it, but he was magnetic and he was pulling me into his polarity.

a few weeks later, after what felt like a game of cat-and-mouse, he told me he liked me. he liked me as a person and enjoyed who i was and wanted to get to know me....BUT! he wasn’t ready for love. he was just telling me how he felt so that i would know that his intentions were indefinitely a pursuit. from here, i started to fight. i did everything in my power to make him like me more, to want me more, to fight harder for me so i wouldn’t have to fight anymore. and i pushed and prodded and poked and cried and yelled and laughed and tried SO HARD to enjoy these moments with him....the moments before he fell in love with me and the fight was over.

i would love to tell you that he did fall in love with me, that we’re still going strong and i’ve had to stop fighting. that i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's all mine and that he's crazy about me and wouldn’t trade the world for me. but none of it’s true. we broke up soon after we finally started dating and i’m very single and he’s very single and very happy about it...because i smothered him.

and i was so frustrated because i couldn’t keep him. what was wrong with me?

but i have discovered that it was God protecting me from making a HUGE mistake.
when solomon’s lover pleads with us and begs us not to awaken love till it’s time...she’s probably talking about us girls to an extent, but i think she’s really talking about not awakening love in the other person. forced love isn’t love at all. we can’t make him love us...but we can be patient and trust in the One who has loved us from the foundation of the world.

don’t make someone love you, LET them love you. the journey will be much more beautiful and painless that way.