balancing acts with hundred pound weights

this empty screen stares at me, screaming, begging for me to say something. but i find i'm at a loss for anything more than meaningless, purposeless words. i feel like that's all i've got lately, words with no meaning, a heart with no purpose. and maybe it stems from never having time to feel. this walk with God has relied on doctrine and logic and structure so much that i don't even remember what it's like to actually walk with Him. to know what His touch feels like, to feel His arms wrap around me. to hear Him whispering love in my ear. i fear that i'm losing my intimacy with Him, like i'm drowning in my theology and forgetting what it sounds like to hear His voice.

and maybe i'm alone in this. maybe, i'm the only one that feels like i'm getting carried away with building my foundation that i've forgotten what it's all about. maybe i'm the only one who doesn't understand where that immense love went. because they're right, "it's not about how you feel", but i've got to find and rekindle that passion that i've let fade. God is near, and God and i are incredibly deep in each other right now. but i want to feel His love today, not just know it's there. i know that the wind is there, the breeze exists. but i want to feel it brush my face and tickle my eyelids. and that's what i want from God. Lord, can You just love on me a little? this whole balance thing is much harder than i remember. can You show me You love me?

as i recall, i said another weather

not under the weather.
[sigh]

the leaves are too green

oh, how i am wishing that fall would come. not for any particular reason, mind you, i think a change of pace is what i need. the brisk fall wind slapping me in the face as i step outside with my hands in my pockets and a scarf around my neck. i would be walking with no agenda, no destination, with nothing in mind but a million things on my mind. the leaves would blanket me as i would wander aimlessly beneath the trees. a latte in hand would be nice, but not necessary. mostly, i'd just have time to think and ponder all these things that have transpired over the time that i've been away from home. i've become a completely different person. circumstances have changed me and i've changed circumstances. and i haven't done enough thinking.

i get so caught up in the busyness of life, in the details of my time here at CFNI, that i forget that this kind of thing only happens once in a lifetime. i should be cherishing it, i should be reveling in it. i'm not saying i should block out the world around me, because if i do that, everything i do here is in vain. i'm mostly saying that sometimes i've gotta relax. live a little. do something i've never done before. expand my horizons. be adventurous like i claim to be.

and i think fall is just what i need.

organic coffee and french catch phrases

i've got ten minutes to write down what i'm thinking, before i have to get back to my apartment. there isn't much floating around in this brain of mine nowadays, i'm just trying to figure out how to get myself thinking again. there's nothing valuable to value anymore. there's nothing important for me to articulate. what happened to me that caused me to be so...vacant?

romancing the stone

there's something different about us.
i can't quite put my finger on it, and i don't quite like to talk about it.
because, although i haven't always been this way,
i'm quite bashful and reserved when it comes to you.

i just don't want us to become something that people get used to.
i never get used to the way you make me feel when you call me darling
i don't want to get used to the way your fingers feel when they lace through mine.
i never get used to the practical side of you and me, the friendship we've built.
i don't ever want to get used to your smile, the one that penetrates my heart.
i can't possibly get used to that voice, the one that still makes my insides go crazy.

i haven't told you that i love you yet.
and honestly, i don't plan to for a while.
but there's some comfort in that,
no stress, no worries,
just you and me.

and i really like it that way.
you've shown me that even a heart of stone can't keep you away.