what would it look like if i was never afraid again?
i'd notice there was a sky, the trees would grow colors, there would be no hopelessness. she wouldn't be prettier and funnier and more talented than me. no, there would only be God's love pouring down on me and i would be opting to walk without an umbrella, thank you. i'd play my music louder and i wouldn't mind it a bit. maybe i'd even go cliff diving. heck, i'd go sky diving. would you even recognize me? i wouldn't hold back and i'd stop trying so hard. you would be fascinated by my ability to find security in our relationship, and i would laugh in the face of danger. i would love you. helplessly. endlessly. deeply. forever. and it would be so beautiful. to know that my love is stronger than any fear, to be completely sure that who you are is who i want for the rest of my life. i'd dive head first into everything about life and i wouldn't regret a thing. i could sleep through the night. i would ride a million rollercoasters and laugh the whole way. i wouldn't regret telling you that i think i'm gonna be in love with you. i wouldn't regret thinking that i want you to be my forever friend. it would look like the life i've always thirsted for.
perspective
"i believe in the sun when it isn't shining, i believe in love even when it is felt not, and i believe in God even when He is silent." [unknown, found carved on a wall at a concentration camp]
causes one to think, doesn't it?
causes one to think, doesn't it?
lovesick = chalah
"He brought me to the banqueting table, and His banner over me was love. Sustain me with cakes of raisins, Refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick." [songofsongs 2:4-5]
lovesick, directly translated in the hebrew, is chalah, which means "weak with passion". this woman is so entirely dependent on her lover that when his presence is removed from her, she feels utterly powerless. have you ever been so in love that you can't eat or sleep? THAT is this woman. she feels like she can't make it without his nearness. in the whole context of the book, she says often that she is faint with love, that her heart yearns for him. she wants nothing more than to be with him every single second of every single day. to feel his touch, to hear his confessions of love whispered in her ear and for her to know that in his arms, she has made her home. why can't i do the same? so many times, when i am caught in a rough patch, self sufficiency becomes my lover; my first instinct is to handle things myself. i always want control of the situation so it will get done perfectly. but what i forget so easily, with my foolish and silly human ways, is that only my God can make a situation work out perfectly. a need to be in control is really a deficiency of trust. i will be the first to admit that this is my hardship in my walk with God. i don't trust that when things seem to be falling apart, that He will take me in His arms and carry me through effortlessly. so i labor and labor and didn't i just toil over that patch of land? and yet here it is, dead. because my human efforts from sunup to sundown just won't measure up. a life of being in control, a life of absolute and utter need for perfection will end up being a life wasted. all i should desire is to be more like Him, and even He relies on Himself. so who am i to say that i don't need Him? i'm a fool, that's what i am. i want to be weak with passion. i want to be completely wrecked for my self reliance, and all i want is to be lovesick. sounds like a strange request, but i'm honestly tired of being in control. i'm tired of figuring everything out. and it seems like He's in the business of taking care of me. He'd be much better at it anyway.
lovesick, directly translated in the hebrew, is chalah, which means "weak with passion". this woman is so entirely dependent on her lover that when his presence is removed from her, she feels utterly powerless. have you ever been so in love that you can't eat or sleep? THAT is this woman. she feels like she can't make it without his nearness. in the whole context of the book, she says often that she is faint with love, that her heart yearns for him. she wants nothing more than to be with him every single second of every single day. to feel his touch, to hear his confessions of love whispered in her ear and for her to know that in his arms, she has made her home. why can't i do the same? so many times, when i am caught in a rough patch, self sufficiency becomes my lover; my first instinct is to handle things myself. i always want control of the situation so it will get done perfectly. but what i forget so easily, with my foolish and silly human ways, is that only my God can make a situation work out perfectly. a need to be in control is really a deficiency of trust. i will be the first to admit that this is my hardship in my walk with God. i don't trust that when things seem to be falling apart, that He will take me in His arms and carry me through effortlessly. so i labor and labor and didn't i just toil over that patch of land? and yet here it is, dead. because my human efforts from sunup to sundown just won't measure up. a life of being in control, a life of absolute and utter need for perfection will end up being a life wasted. all i should desire is to be more like Him, and even He relies on Himself. so who am i to say that i don't need Him? i'm a fool, that's what i am. i want to be weak with passion. i want to be completely wrecked for my self reliance, and all i want is to be lovesick. sounds like a strange request, but i'm honestly tired of being in control. i'm tired of figuring everything out. and it seems like He's in the business of taking care of me. He'd be much better at it anyway.
kentucky and florida
"i saw the first signs of autumn in kentucky this morning. the leaves were browning, the sky was foggy, and the air was chilled. it was a beautiful morning and i was captivated by my surroundings. God has been so good to me on this trip, and all i can think about is how he loves us. oh, how he loves us! we don't need anything material, we don't need worldly things. God has given us beauty and friendship and open hearts. the kingdom is not that we learn or write the coolest songs, not how charismatic we sound, and not how many programs we can create. this is the kingdom: serving and loving. letting people into your life and pouring love into theirs. beauty is found in the moments where you hold the children that are starstruck by you, the moments where complete strangers come together and lift their praises to a God who adores them. i can't help but think i've stumbled upon a more beautiful discovery about what this life is supposed to be about." [kentucky]
"the ocean is the most beautiful thing i've seen in my entire life, but it's much more beautiful at night. the stars crash into the water that never seems to end. silhouettes dance and sparkle on the moonlit surface, early into the morning. the sound of laughter collides with the powerful waves and echoes into the dark expanse of sky. i used to be jealous of people who got to see this all their life. but i realized that to them, all they see is the ocean, the sand, and the sky. this is nothing more than common to them. yet, the portrait i just captured in my mind has made a lasting impact...i can see the waves in the streaks on the glass. i could swear there's still sand in my toes. i'm still dizzy from walking along the waves. i can hear the ocean ringing in my ears. it's calling me back, just to be there, just to exist." [florida]
"the ocean is the most beautiful thing i've seen in my entire life, but it's much more beautiful at night. the stars crash into the water that never seems to end. silhouettes dance and sparkle on the moonlit surface, early into the morning. the sound of laughter collides with the powerful waves and echoes into the dark expanse of sky. i used to be jealous of people who got to see this all their life. but i realized that to them, all they see is the ocean, the sand, and the sky. this is nothing more than common to them. yet, the portrait i just captured in my mind has made a lasting impact...i can see the waves in the streaks on the glass. i could swear there's still sand in my toes. i'm still dizzy from walking along the waves. i can hear the ocean ringing in my ears. it's calling me back, just to be there, just to exist." [florida]
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