tranquility

i like watching cars drive by my window at night. i try to tuck the blinds up so i can lie there as i hear the soothing noise of an engine whizzing by said window. i don't really know why i do it or even why i like it. all i know is that when i lie in bed at night and i'm anxious and can't sleep, this is what i do. and i find myself on this "i skipped school because i haven't missed a day all semester" morning, doing the same thing. comfort. solace. peace. security trucks, sports cars, suv's, they all come by my window and i watch them as they pass, and it lulls me to a peaceful state. in the midst of all this angst and hatred and division, i find peace. why? not because a black man is going to be my president, not because the government is reliable. no, it's because in the midst of my biggest valley yet, God has reached down just to say:

hey, my love, i'm still here.

reluctant

i'm trying to avoid the issue. no, i don't want to say it. i'm quite reluctant and awfully clumsy when it comes to this sort of thing. so you can imagine my shock when i notice it start to rupture from within. it's starting to make me uneasy. this is a new feeling, rushing through my veins, pulsating with my heartbeat. it forces tears to my eyes and i can't help but let them spill over the brim and just run down my face. but it's not the kind of crying that forces one to wonder what they did wrong. no, this is the kind of sobbing that can only be provoked by kindness. that can only be provoked by meditating on his smile. that smile melts my heart even still. or his laugh. the laugh that penetrates my insides and forces me to forget my worries as i sit before him. perhaps it's his touch, the kindness that pierces into my heart as my knees knock and i get dizzy. i can't be quite sure, but it could be his kind words that cause me to understand just a fraction of how Abba Father feels about me. i'm reluctant, and quite slow when it comes to these kinds of things. the honeymoon in my heart has been long over, the mountaintop is above us now, but we can still see the valley below. and all i know in this time is that even if i want to fight it, even if i'm reluctant...

i'm falling in love with him.

brevity

i am finding that the more and more i learn,


















...the less and less i have to say.

mockingbird

maya angelou put it best when she titled her art.
"i know why the caged bird sings," she said.

inevitable

whoever said change is inevitable knew me too well.