white noise

i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
to force you to hear the truth of who i am
and i've hid in the spotlight for entirely too long
for you to notice that i've been withering

i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
to make you understand how ridiculous you've become
i don't even know who you are anymore
and you don't even notice that you're changing

i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
to show you the error of your underhanded ways
not because i hate you, but because you're hurting others
and i will not allow you to keep manipulating.

i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
to cause the attacks of hell to stop cold
we shouldn't believe all those lies we've been told
and i refuse to let us keep crumbling

i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
because nobody else seems to be talking
and there's so much to be said, yet nothing to say
and i'm the only one that seems to be caring

who are you?

or maybe, the more important question i should be asking is...















who am i?

sunday

what more is there to say, when my whole day has been spent in solitude? what more is there to say when there's nobody to call? what more is there to say, when i've exhausted all my leisure? what more is there to say when i'm back to where i started?


i am completely, utterly, surprisingly, painfully, and absolutely lonely.

tranquility

i like watching cars drive by my window at night. i try to tuck the blinds up so i can lie there as i hear the soothing noise of an engine whizzing by said window. i don't really know why i do it or even why i like it. all i know is that when i lie in bed at night and i'm anxious and can't sleep, this is what i do. and i find myself on this "i skipped school because i haven't missed a day all semester" morning, doing the same thing. comfort. solace. peace. security trucks, sports cars, suv's, they all come by my window and i watch them as they pass, and it lulls me to a peaceful state. in the midst of all this angst and hatred and division, i find peace. why? not because a black man is going to be my president, not because the government is reliable. no, it's because in the midst of my biggest valley yet, God has reached down just to say:

hey, my love, i'm still here.

reluctant

i'm trying to avoid the issue. no, i don't want to say it. i'm quite reluctant and awfully clumsy when it comes to this sort of thing. so you can imagine my shock when i notice it start to rupture from within. it's starting to make me uneasy. this is a new feeling, rushing through my veins, pulsating with my heartbeat. it forces tears to my eyes and i can't help but let them spill over the brim and just run down my face. but it's not the kind of crying that forces one to wonder what they did wrong. no, this is the kind of sobbing that can only be provoked by kindness. that can only be provoked by meditating on his smile. that smile melts my heart even still. or his laugh. the laugh that penetrates my insides and forces me to forget my worries as i sit before him. perhaps it's his touch, the kindness that pierces into my heart as my knees knock and i get dizzy. i can't be quite sure, but it could be his kind words that cause me to understand just a fraction of how Abba Father feels about me. i'm reluctant, and quite slow when it comes to these kinds of things. the honeymoon in my heart has been long over, the mountaintop is above us now, but we can still see the valley below. and all i know in this time is that even if i want to fight it, even if i'm reluctant...

i'm falling in love with him.