first thoughts of 2009

"not that i speak in regard to need, for i have learned in whatever state i am, to be content: i know how to be abased, and i know how to abound. everywhere and in all things i have learned to both be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. i can do all things through christ who strengthens me." [philippians 4:11-13]

this year has rung itself in with so many beautiful opportunities. i get to go to china this year, hopefully i'll be singing at cfni this year, i'll be graduating from the two year program this year...the list could go on. but there will be challenges, i'm sure. and i'm going to be content. sure, i have a few resolutions of my own, but will any of them amount to anything if i'm not content not only with who i am, but who He is for me? this year, i mostly resolve to be sold out to the One who paid for me with His life.

wow i don't like sparkling grape juice unless it's white. haha.

what better way to ring in the new year than with family, friends, and most importantly, my faith? this is going to be a good year, i can feel it. and not because of anything in its natural composition. i'm going to make it a good one!

God, You are so wonderful. thank you for another year to be alive, another year to abound gracefully, another year at CFNI (the best thing i could ever do), another year to share everything You are with everyone who doesn't know. thank you so much for entrusting me with the work of the Kingdom. i am certainly undeserving and i won't pretend like i am worth the risk. but thank You, Lord, for seeing who i will be and pushing me to get there.

2008 is gone, and so are my valleys.
welcome to 2009: the year of the unabashed wilderness.

i feel like i have something to say.

in this state of mind, after the half awake afternoon
i find that my thoughts are more coherent than i am
and i know that my heart is ready to make a change
this wilderness is the safest place to become who i will be.

maybe i'll be funny, maybe i'll be smart,
maybe i'll choose to take my heart off of my sleeve
maybe i'll be stronger, i don't know what i'll become
but i know that i won't speak what's inside as quickly as i've done.

i feel like i have something to say,
but i think i might keep it to myself this time.

spoke too soon, did you?

and all the while, we were looking to the skies for a sign. but the truth was in your mouth. we held hands down the avenue, hoping to find something that would make us satisfied, without even realizing that the truth we sought was behind us. where do i go from here? you walked me this far and left me without a way to get home. but it's quite alright, my dear. i'll wait right here till someone comes...

[nobody's perfect]

i can't let myself be happy. 

it's my biggest flaw as a human being. i won't allow myself to be happy. there has to be something that keeps it realistic, because altogether happiness just isn't possible. happiness will just disappoint. what a thwarted life. what a horrible way of thinking. why do i feel this way? what makes me think like this? 

because everything i've ever lived has brought me joy and disappointment followed. 

have i done this to myself? i can't have possibly brought on my abuser. i can't have possibly asked him (with my actions) to do what he did to me. but maybe, because of that, i started expecting pain...and that's why nobody stayed. i'm not saying it's all my fault, i'm saying that i think i started a self-fulfilling prophetic cycle. where i expect something to happen, and subconsciously find ways to make sure it happens, to justify my misery. but God is not some school bully waiting to punish me, and i'm the only one that can break this cycle. i lost a relationship because i knew it wouldn't last, and i put it into action. i pushed and pulled and fought and begged and pouted until i lost him. and now i wish i hadn't done anything that i did. i wish i would have allowed myself to be happy. because maybe then, he would have never left. maybe then, my relationship with God wouldn't be so up and down. maybe then, i'd learn to be content in who i am. maybe then, things would actually turn around. 

so this is my resolve: 

i'm going to expect the best, 

and in turn, 

i will get the best. 

(hope it's as easy as it sounds)

winter wonderland

the stars aren't near as bright as they were 

the night you told me you wanted me. 

and the breeze doesn't tickle anymore, it bites. 

winter is so apparently here and things are dying, like you and me.

 

my love for you is freezing out here 

but the door is locked and i can't get in anymore. 

so there's a decision to be made. 

i'm on the outside looking in but you've pulled the shades. 

do i stay or do i go? 

do i stay right here until there's nothing left of me 

and just hope that you'll peek through the blinds, 

see me here, and come rushing to my aid? 

or do i go, knowing that you might never come

 looking for me and just try

to make my home feel like home again? 

both have their benefits, but only one is guaranteed to have you. 

so i turn my back on the door and start away from you. 

this might be the most deliberating walk i've taken in an eternity.

(i'm sure georgia isn't as warm as they say it is anyway.)