[sigh]

i seem to have misplaced my sanity.
this happens too often.

kentucky and florida

"i saw the first signs of autumn in kentucky this morning. the leaves were browning, the sky was foggy, and the air was chilled. it was a beautiful morning and i was captivated by my surroundings. God has been so good to me on this trip, and all i can think about is how he loves us. oh, how he loves us! we don't need anything material, we don't need worldly things. God has given us beauty and friendship and open hearts. the kingdom is not that we learn or write the coolest songs, not how charismatic we sound, and not how many programs we can create. this is the kingdom: serving and loving. letting people into your life and pouring love into theirs. beauty is found in the moments where you hold the children that are starstruck by you, the moments where complete strangers come together and lift their praises to a God who adores them. i can't help but think i've stumbled upon a more beautiful discovery about what this life is supposed to be about." [kentucky]


"the ocean is the most beautiful thing i've seen in my entire life, but it's much more beautiful at night. the stars crash into the water that never seems to end. silhouettes dance and sparkle on the moonlit surface, early into the morning. the sound of laughter collides with the powerful waves and echoes into the dark expanse of sky. i used to be jealous of people who got to see this all their life. but i realized that to them, all they see is the ocean, the sand, and the sky. this is nothing more than common to them. yet, the portrait i just captured in my mind has made a lasting impact...i can see the waves in the streaks on the glass. i could swear there's still sand in my toes. i'm still dizzy from walking along the waves. i can hear the ocean ringing in my ears. it's calling me back, just to be there, just to exist." [florida]

guatemala and cinnamon vanilla creme

my eyelids have been heavy for a week now. they tell me it's because of my allergies, "them" being people who have no idea what they're talking about. i haven't been sleeping well, not enough REM sleep or whatever it's called. i'm dreaming strange dreams of people i have never dreamt of. i'm lying awake at night listening to sigur ros and thinking about things that i never knew i thought. i'm tossing and turning and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, a world i've never known or experienced fully. i'm studying for midterms in classes i don't understand. i can't turn my brain off. they tell me to take nyquil or tylenol pm or sleeping pills, "they" being those same people that don't understand my sensitivity to medicine. i'll be leaving for kentucky in the morning. i hope it's a good trip, i'll be connecting with old friends and making new ones, i'll be leading people i've never met into the throne room of God, and i'll be taking pictures and writing for the fifteen hours it takes to get there. i'll take lots of pictures and you guys can see how beautiful it is. "you guys" being the two people that read my blog. but it'll be good for me, to get out and start doing work outside of this campus, to be a part of something even bigger than CFNI and that's the american church. i pray that it goes well and that i come back with some kind of new perspective on at least one thing. that's my new prayer, God, change my perspective on at least one thing every once in a while, just so i know that You're still speaking to me. i'm bad at hearing His voice sometimes...

rain and ramblings

i awoke to the sound of pouring rain. it's been a while since we've had rain here in dallas. the last time i saw it was most likely during hurricane ike. the weather was the only thing that got me out of bed, which is so contrary to how most people react when it's storming. i stumbled to the kitchen, poured myself a bowl of strawberry chex, and then shuffled around the living room getting myself ready. i walked outside, and i opted for no umbrella. my hair curled before i even got out from underneath the complex. it was a beautiful morning, and my friend said it reminded him of seattle. he said i would fit perfectly there. i smiled. i'm a different person today than i was even half a year ago. everyone cracks jokes about me being indie. independent makes complete sense. i like the feeling of being exactly who i am. rain isn't the same thing it was a year ago. once upon a time, it was God's sign that He loved me. now, i don't need that security blanket. God loves me and i know it, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. rain or no rain. contentment stems from security. i laugh when i think about the changes i've made and how great this day was. mellow, full of adventure and fellowship, listening to feist and pondering the significance of change and wondering what tomorrow is going to hold. my life is something beautiful, that's for sure. i don't ever want to let go of the beauty i've found in being who i was made to be. it feels like everything else just...fits when i'm me. everything falls into place, makes more sense. i lie down on my pillow and start smiling at the thought of who i'll be a year from now. i fall asleep to the sound of the pouring rain.

panic attack

nothing is as bad as it seems right? i'm breathing shallow, but at least i'm still breathing...right? i'm shaking, but at least it's because i still have intensity...right? my skin is warm and i feel so sick to my stomach. no matter what anyone says, the lump in my throat won't go away. my eyes burn like there's hot tears on the brink, but nothing. every muscle in my body is tensed and all i can think is how much it will take to get me relaxed again. my scalp hurts from pulling on my hair as a reaction. the ground is spinning and my heart won't stop pounding (but at least it's not skipping beats anymore). there are words i wanna speak, but i can't form them with my mouth. just breathe. relax. stay calm. it wasn't an actual wreck, you survived, there wasn't even the slightest of impact. stop being a baby. my steps are slowing and my body is getting heavy. my eyelids start to fall, my sinuses feel like they're going to explode and my head feels like it's in a vice. i finally see you and everything seems to be okay. i can rest when you're around, love. you make me feel...safe. i'm glad i have you to take care of me. i wake up and laugh entirely too much at all the wrong jokes...and i come home and try to express just a fraction of what in the world happened to my world tonight.