"He brought me to the banqueting table, and His banner over me was love. Sustain me with cakes of raisins, Refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick." [songofsongs 2:4-5]
lovesick, directly translated in the hebrew, is chalah, which means "weak with passion". this woman is so entirely dependent on her lover that when his presence is removed from her, she feels utterly powerless. have you ever been so in love that you can't eat or sleep? THAT is this woman. she feels like she can't make it without his nearness. in the whole context of the book, she says often that she is faint with love, that her heart yearns for him. she wants nothing more than to be with him every single second of every single day. to feel his touch, to hear his confessions of love whispered in her ear and for her to know that in his arms, she has made her home. why can't i do the same? so many times, when i am caught in a rough patch, self sufficiency becomes my lover; my first instinct is to handle things myself. i always want control of the situation so it will get done perfectly. but what i forget so easily, with my foolish and silly human ways, is that only my God can make a situation work out perfectly. a need to be in control is really a deficiency of trust. i will be the first to admit that this is my hardship in my walk with God. i don't trust that when things seem to be falling apart, that He will take me in His arms and carry me through effortlessly. so i labor and labor and didn't i just toil over that patch of land? and yet here it is, dead. because my human efforts from sunup to sundown just won't measure up. a life of being in control, a life of absolute and utter need for perfection will end up being a life wasted. all i should desire is to be more like Him, and even He relies on Himself. so who am i to say that i don't need Him? i'm a fool, that's what i am. i want to be weak with passion. i want to be completely wrecked for my self reliance, and all i want is to be lovesick. sounds like a strange request, but i'm honestly tired of being in control. i'm tired of figuring everything out. and it seems like He's in the business of taking care of me. He'd be much better at it anyway.
kentucky and florida
"i saw the first signs of autumn in kentucky this morning. the leaves were browning, the sky was foggy, and the air was chilled. it was a beautiful morning and i was captivated by my surroundings. God has been so good to me on this trip, and all i can think about is how he loves us. oh, how he loves us! we don't need anything material, we don't need worldly things. God has given us beauty and friendship and open hearts. the kingdom is not that we learn or write the coolest songs, not how charismatic we sound, and not how many programs we can create. this is the kingdom: serving and loving. letting people into your life and pouring love into theirs. beauty is found in the moments where you hold the children that are starstruck by you, the moments where complete strangers come together and lift their praises to a God who adores them. i can't help but think i've stumbled upon a more beautiful discovery about what this life is supposed to be about." [kentucky]
"the ocean is the most beautiful thing i've seen in my entire life, but it's much more beautiful at night. the stars crash into the water that never seems to end. silhouettes dance and sparkle on the moonlit surface, early into the morning. the sound of laughter collides with the powerful waves and echoes into the dark expanse of sky. i used to be jealous of people who got to see this all their life. but i realized that to them, all they see is the ocean, the sand, and the sky. this is nothing more than common to them. yet, the portrait i just captured in my mind has made a lasting impact...i can see the waves in the streaks on the glass. i could swear there's still sand in my toes. i'm still dizzy from walking along the waves. i can hear the ocean ringing in my ears. it's calling me back, just to be there, just to exist." [florida]
"the ocean is the most beautiful thing i've seen in my entire life, but it's much more beautiful at night. the stars crash into the water that never seems to end. silhouettes dance and sparkle on the moonlit surface, early into the morning. the sound of laughter collides with the powerful waves and echoes into the dark expanse of sky. i used to be jealous of people who got to see this all their life. but i realized that to them, all they see is the ocean, the sand, and the sky. this is nothing more than common to them. yet, the portrait i just captured in my mind has made a lasting impact...i can see the waves in the streaks on the glass. i could swear there's still sand in my toes. i'm still dizzy from walking along the waves. i can hear the ocean ringing in my ears. it's calling me back, just to be there, just to exist." [florida]
guatemala and cinnamon vanilla creme
my eyelids have been heavy for a week now. they tell me it's because of my allergies, "them" being people who have no idea what they're talking about. i haven't been sleeping well, not enough REM sleep or whatever it's called. i'm dreaming strange dreams of people i have never dreamt of. i'm lying awake at night listening to sigur ros and thinking about things that i never knew i thought. i'm tossing and turning and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, a world i've never known or experienced fully. i'm studying for midterms in classes i don't understand. i can't turn my brain off. they tell me to take nyquil or tylenol pm or sleeping pills, "they" being those same people that don't understand my sensitivity to medicine. i'll be leaving for kentucky in the morning. i hope it's a good trip, i'll be connecting with old friends and making new ones, i'll be leading people i've never met into the throne room of God, and i'll be taking pictures and writing for the fifteen hours it takes to get there. i'll take lots of pictures and you guys can see how beautiful it is. "you guys" being the two people that read my blog. but it'll be good for me, to get out and start doing work outside of this campus, to be a part of something even bigger than CFNI and that's the american church. i pray that it goes well and that i come back with some kind of new perspective on at least one thing. that's my new prayer, God, change my perspective on at least one thing every once in a while, just so i know that You're still speaking to me. i'm bad at hearing His voice sometimes...
rain and ramblings
i awoke to the sound of pouring rain. it's been a while since we've had rain here in dallas. the last time i saw it was most likely during hurricane ike. the weather was the only thing that got me out of bed, which is so contrary to how most people react when it's storming. i stumbled to the kitchen, poured myself a bowl of strawberry chex, and then shuffled around the living room getting myself ready. i walked outside, and i opted for no umbrella. my hair curled before i even got out from underneath the complex. it was a beautiful morning, and my friend said it reminded him of seattle. he said i would fit perfectly there. i smiled. i'm a different person today than i was even half a year ago. everyone cracks jokes about me being indie. independent makes complete sense. i like the feeling of being exactly who i am. rain isn't the same thing it was a year ago. once upon a time, it was God's sign that He loved me. now, i don't need that security blanket. God loves me and i know it, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. rain or no rain. contentment stems from security. i laugh when i think about the changes i've made and how great this day was. mellow, full of adventure and fellowship, listening to feist and pondering the significance of change and wondering what tomorrow is going to hold. my life is something beautiful, that's for sure. i don't ever want to let go of the beauty i've found in being who i was made to be. it feels like everything else just...fits when i'm me. everything falls into place, makes more sense. i lie down on my pillow and start smiling at the thought of who i'll be a year from now. i fall asleep to the sound of the pouring rain.
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