edge

i've run so far and now i can't seem to break the winner's ribbon. i want to stay on this side, because it's all i've worked for and i wouldn't want it to be over. but i know if i break that line, it's all done. there's no walking back over the that line and taping the ribbon back together. it's the end of everything i've battled through and trained for. do i dare cross the line to discover what's on the other side?

waiting.

you promised me the world hand in hand,
dream in dream, lifetime in lifetime,
you promised me that no matter what the outcome,
i'd always be able to stare at you and smile.

and perhaps that's still the case.

but here i stand, sitting on my hands
the most beautiful contradiction i've never
wanted to walk away from.

i just want to see my name handwritten
all over the confines of your oh-so-broken heart
because i know that in the end,
my name looks better there anyway.

yet here i stand, sitting on my hands
praying that you'll come back and never leave
even though you never walked away.

careful, the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.

thanks, starbucks. i wouldn't have remembered had i not seen that beautiful green printed reminder on the bottom of the cup.

[sigh] i wish life had reminders like that:

careful, the love you're about to enjoy is a lot like that coffee; if you're not careful, you'll enjoy it for a moment, but you'll end up burned and with a bitter taste in your mouth.

gold and silver

i like cheap jewelry.

by the time it breaks, i'm totally over that fad anyway. not that i don't have some pieces of jewelry i could love for the rest of my life, but i can always find something better when that piece signs its expiration notice.

my friend got me a beautiful necklace from london! and it was so beautiful, i wore it everyday even though it felt like an anchor around my neck. i didn't care. it had a pretty leather strap and it was a massive bronze leaf. and it was from england. so i treasured it and cherished it, even though it was much less than a thousand pounds. nothing too valuable, but to me it meant the world. and the other day, i felt a snap(!) and when i looked down, the strap had broken. to which i responded, "no no no NO!" and shuffled back to my apartment with my head down. i even debated having a funeral for it.

and this bracelet i'm wearing, my grandmother got it for me and i'm quite jealous for it. it makes me feel like an egyptian princess. i wear it when it matches, i wear it when it doesn't. if i could wear it everyday and not look like i'm obsessed with it, i most likely would. it was less than thirty dollars. okay...less than twenty dollars. and yet i treasure it. it's turning copper in some places. it's not supposed to be copper, it's supposed to be gold. and two of the beads that ornament it? they're gone. i don't know where they went. it's quite a sad piece now. but it'll have to break before i stop wearing it. (knock on wood)

and my rings. "live" and "dream" are tan-lined into my fingers. those rings are the most valuable pieces of jewelry. they were forged into cheap silver rings. and while it might look like they're dying, i won't stop wearing them. they are so important to me, i wear them everyday, and i feel naked without them. and of course, it doesn't make sense to wear jewelry that doesn't look the way the rings in the magazines look. and of course, it doesn't make sense to have rings that appear to be fading and outdated. but i've chosen to love these rings - they represent who i am. no matter how much i paid for them, i will love them. of course, having paid a bit more than i intended for them, and having to pay to get them dipped in platinum someday soon - is costly, but absolutely worth it.

why am i talking about jewelry?
what is the point of everything i'm rambling on about?

i like cheap jewelry. as humans, we like cheap affection. even when people are failing us and they're breaking us down in places, we try to fix it and will wear them into the ground. because while we can have them, we treasure it. but, let's be candid. by the time the relationship is broken, we're ready to throw it away anyway. sure, it hurts, and we want to mourn the brokenness, but we never invested much in it in the first place.

but those rings - my faith - is priceless. my God will never fail me. He is so good to me all the time. and i'm sure it doesn't make sense to some people and it might look like my beliefs are fading and outdated, you can't convince me to walk away. where other things (people) have failed me, God will NEVER fail me. and i can't just turn my back on that. and sure, it's costly. i'm daily committing suicide to my flesh - but what i invest in this love - it's totally worth it.

(and it's more precious than gold or silver)

deeper

as the world around her crumbles
beauty dancing in her eyes
you could never begin to imagine
all the pain that lies inside

she can charm you into thinking
she's much more than just "alright"
but on the inside, she is trembling
and can't shake the terror of that night

not that healing hasn't come, oh no,
she's faced it and moved on
but even now she finds herself
fearing noises until the dawn

she can wash her sins away
but this one was a stain
left by someone else's iniquities
in her sleeping sanctuary of pain

but as her eyes dance in the moonlight,
her curls resting around her face like a halo,
something is changing. maybe finally, she finds the peace
that passes what her mind can conceive.
maybe finally, she knows that even though there will be days
there will be nights, where she can't shake the pain,
she isn't alone. and He will rock her to sleep. His
hands would never wander, His arms are safe,
His love for her is endless.
maybe finally, it'll all be okay.