abraham

i am standing before this altar, knife in hand
wishing this could have played out much differently
for the blood i am preparing to spill is much more valuable that my own
yet i am reminded of the cause, and will not back down from this predatory stance

my dreams are worthless here
everything i created in my mind couldn't compare to the task that lay ahead of me
to carve my Master's name in the heart of an innocent sacrifice
and say it's all in the name of love? 

i know that trust is so debatable in the peak of my humanity
and i don't want to be known for generations to come as a coward
because i know my God is greater than even the circumstances He orchestrates
He will prove Himself faithful...right? 

oh, God, be with me. 
the knife is shaking as my blade descends, 
and i...i....

...i don't know the end of this story.

[untitled]

as the thunder rolls across the sky
i'm left alone to my torturous thoughts
oh, Lord, deliver me from myself!
i'm in pure agony wishing i'd known how to stop

wishing i'd known how to protect him from myself
wishing i was an angel that the world could behold
and yet, my disgusting humanity is made blatantly apparent

and as it pours sheets of rain
i feel my heart breaking a million times over
for when i feel the nearest to you
that, that moment, is when i fall the hardest. 

please God, understand my contrite heart
see me in my brokenness and utter resistance
and understand this fragile existence
that's really doing the best it can. 

Lord, i'm really doing the best i can.

eruption

gotta soothe the pain of the boiling tide that's washing over my logic and making my heart race. my head is pounding and i think it might explode. my hands balled up in fists, heat escaping from my body through the shouting that erupts from my mouth. nothing is going to soothe this irritation continuously scratching at my heart till it bleeds. make me raw and expose the insides to the whole world, especially those i care for the most. will they be able to handle the monster raging inside of me? the one that hibernates for decades and only lashes out on the rarest of occasions? the one that forsakes all thought and reason and understanding and compassion and just desires to take something down? welcome to my anger. 

writer's block

tell me something to say to break this inadvertent cycle of holding my proverbial tongue
running out of words is a foreign concept to an artist like me, 
painting pictures with the syllables that rattle off my tongue
and yet here i sit, with absolutely no way to articulate the dreams lingering on my insides.

glimpses of the past month

"before i lay me down to sleep 
my incoherent thoughts seem to stumble into something condusive
like another world, a fairytale. 

and when i wake once again, 
i find that my seemingly captivating thoughts
were merely misfirings in my brain called
dreams."

"fear shoots down my spine, i feel like it's all coming to its demise. and then you speak little god-whispers, a lullaby that drowns out the storm."

"i wished on my star that you would be waiting for me in the distant corridors of my oh-so-fragile heart, reminding me of your willingness to take up permanent residency. oh, how i hope the search is over." 

"love, when it is true, when it is right, will complicate the simple, yet simplify the complicated. but love, when it is wrong, will complicate both the simple and the complicated."

"you asked me for a love song so i'm writing you goodbye"