more than enough

i find i am so desperate to be heard that i don't listen

and so desperate to be seen that i don't seek

i look for love instead of letting love look for me

.backwards all is it (?)

what can satisfy this confusion and longing 

this desire to be known? 

only that God that knows me and has shaped me 

with the very palm of His hand, 

the same hand that contains my destiny?

how can i see this beauty and claim it's not enough?

what a selfish, frail being i am

and what a demanding child i've become. 

Lord, i promise, someday i'll get it. 

and someday Your love will be more than 

"more than enough"

beautiful

i'm having one of those moments. 

the kind where you see something you used to long for so bad you weren't sure you could live without it. and then you were forced to live without it...but now you're glad you let it go because you would have never found the best thing that happened to you? 

i tripped in the waves and scraped my knee today. 

i don't know why i said that, but it reminded me of falling in love you: painful, but so worth the evidence. 

i'm so in love with you and you don't even know it. :) 

choices.

today, i talked to an admissions counselor at the college i've always planned to go to. he was extremely friendly and had a great smile. every question i asked was met with a very professional yet opinionated answer, and he knew just what to say to make me more and more impressed with a school that already impressed me. he gave me shortcuts and options that made everything seem that much easier. and 30 minutes later, as i walked away, i left with a sense of resolution. 

a couple days ago, i was trying to sleep to avoid the impending nausea that i knew was coming due to the minor turbulence our plane was going to face in the stages of landing. i had knocked out easily with a specific dream of him and i, sitting on the couch in our newly furnished home, eating snap peas and watching moulin rouge. it was quite a beautiful scenario. and 2 minutes into it, as my head popped off my pillow, i found a sense of resolution. 

two random happenings that have one major connection. 

my life is finally falling into place. 

i'm going to be a christian counselor. i'm going to transfer to SAGU and get a bachelor's in professional development (specializing in christian counseling) and then i'm going to get my master's in counseling psychology; which, by the time i graduate, will have me prepared for the LPC (licensed professional counselor) test. and i'm going to help people with it. my bachelor's in professional development will help me land a good job while i finish school so i can help lots of sexually abused women who are almost always left to an un-licensed person who has been through the crucible of abuse, or a professional who is too far removed from the subject matter to really understand. i want to be a light that has both aspects; experience and a degree. 

and i think he's it. that's all i'm going to say on that matter, considering i'm too scared to commit to an ice cream flavor i ordered 5 minutes before. 

i think i finally understand what i was made to do. 

pot of gold

where the sun sets and beyond the cloudy horizon

lies a place where only the brave dare to trod

and their shoes are tattering and their jeans are torn

but if you asked any wayward traveller, they'd tell you it was worth

selling all the gold in the world to find this one precious jewel

as dreams fade into the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

smiling with the end of the road in sight

beautiful in the meadow, frightening in the stark night

this place is only to be found by the ones willing to find

and only to be discovered by the ones willing to search

if you found it you would never go back

never give up

never long for the past 

for finding love is one of the greatest adventures known to man. 

walking advertisements for pain.

come one, come all!

come see the girl who knows

how to ruin a perfectly good thing

with a golden touch

she can open her mouth and turn joy to rust

she can move her fingers and melt love into hatred

with one quick flick of her wrist she can paint disaster

and she does it all for the low price of your heart

what a master at her craft!

have you ever seen anyone like her? 

the brilliant destruction that lies before her

at the end of each show

...you'd never know she regrets it every time. 

come one, come all!

come see, come see the girl

who is capable of ruining even the 

simplest of joys. 

come one, come all!

come see, come see the girl

who turns pure joy into mere sorrow. 

the girl who just wishes she could get it right this time,

the one time it actually matters. 

the girl who is truly sorry.