awaken

“daughters of Jerusalem, i charge you by the gazelles and does of the field: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” [song of songs 3:5]

there’s a dream that is common to every girl. there’s a really handsome boy who is fascinated by her every move, her every breath, and wants to ride up on his big white horse and rescue her from her perfectly normal and ordinary life to make her life extraordinary. and there is nothing wrong with this dream. we wake up with hope and expectation, and an inability to settle for anything less.

and then we find him.

he’s beautiful. he really is. inside and out. especially out. he’s our friend but one day we realize how cute he is and how much we get along. he’s chivalrous and we think he’s quite capable of being our rescuer. so we back off. we start this “game” that has been around for centuries and we tell ourselves that it’s more “mysterious and that’s what guys want”. then we get frustrated when they don’t fight for us, we see no horse on the horizon, and we are bored. so we take things into our own hands. we walk ourselves off the cliff and dive into love, a concept we’re not ready for yet.

i’ve loved a man. when i first saw him, i was immediately drawn in by the warmth of his shy smile and the way his curls tumbled down to his deep, dark brown eyes. he had the uncanny ability to make me stutter and stumble through my words and everything i would try to explain to him. i could never remember his name, or what semester he was in, all i could remember was how beautiful i found him to be. one night, he mentioned C.S. Lewis and lots of good music, and i was immediately taken in and fascinated by this person i barely knew. i can’t explain it, but he was magnetic and he was pulling me into his polarity.

a few weeks later, after what felt like a game of cat-and-mouse, he told me he liked me. he liked me as a person and enjoyed who i was and wanted to get to know me....BUT! he wasn’t ready for love. he was just telling me how he felt so that i would know that his intentions were indefinitely a pursuit. from here, i started to fight. i did everything in my power to make him like me more, to want me more, to fight harder for me so i wouldn’t have to fight anymore. and i pushed and prodded and poked and cried and yelled and laughed and tried SO HARD to enjoy these moments with him....the moments before he fell in love with me and the fight was over.

i would love to tell you that he did fall in love with me, that we’re still going strong and i’ve had to stop fighting. that i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's all mine and that he's crazy about me and wouldn’t trade the world for me. but none of it’s true. we broke up soon after we finally started dating and i’m very single and he’s very single and very happy about it...because i smothered him.

and i was so frustrated because i couldn’t keep him. what was wrong with me?

but i have discovered that it was God protecting me from making a HUGE mistake.
when solomon’s lover pleads with us and begs us not to awaken love till it’s time...she’s probably talking about us girls to an extent, but i think she’s really talking about not awakening love in the other person. forced love isn’t love at all. we can’t make him love us...but we can be patient and trust in the One who has loved us from the foundation of the world.

don’t make someone love you, LET them love you. the journey will be much more beautiful and painless that way.

prank calls

why is it that the only time you miss me, it's a lie?
i really thought i meant more to you than this.





it hurts.

scamper

the darkness was closing in on the remaining sunlight, and night was coming quickly. she fumbled with the hotel room key between her fingers as she walked to the shabby room. she turned the key in the lock and found just what had been expected. overhead was a light that hung down in the center of the room, as if she'd just stepped in on a criminal interrogation. the hunter green carpet under her feet was so old that it appeared itchy, the round table was most likely present in the days of king arthur, and the thought of the bed was terrifying. so she turned right around and went to the backseat of her car, set up a makeshift bed, and climbed up onto the roof of her old focus. 

as the stars came out to play for the night, she dwelt on all the reasons that life had brought her here. wasn't easy to discover why, but the facts were so simple. she was literally trying to outrun herself. what they said she was and who she felt like she was were two different people, but reputations stay much longer than perceptions. and instead of just facing it...this time it was just too much - so she ran. disappeared from life-as-you-know-it with one final goodbye. she felt guilty for not loving those around her more, at least enough to let them in on this horrific secret. but nobody understood, and it was for the better. they probably would have talked her out of it, and she didn't want to be talked out of anything she was doing. 

the plan was to set up in a whole new town with a new identity and be whoever she wanted to be. to make no attachments, no history. history breeds resentment. the less interaction with humans, the better. they expect too much and they want even more. she could lie low long enough to establish things. and then, if things ever got too complicated again, she could disappear....

...if only dreams could just be real. 

severed

i want to look back on yesterday with happiness and sincerity.
but sometimes, i feel like i'm looking through glasses made of roses
like i'm looking at something that was never there.
maybe you were never fond of me.
maybe i never made you smile like you made me smile.
maybe the memories aren't as profound for you.
perhaps i'm not as interesting to you as you are fascinating to me.
there's so many absolutes that have been un-absoluted
by the simple fact that you haven't called
by the plain truth that you've moved on with your life
and i'm still waiting for a boy to be a grown-up
some say that in the world, there are plenty candidates
but only one soulmate.
that you can surely be happy with anyone...
but there's only one person that makes your heart beat with purpose.
i think you're that person.
because even when it was terrible with you,
it was better than when it was wonderful without you...

 "whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."
[emily bronte]