[nobody's perfect]

i can't let myself be happy. 

it's my biggest flaw as a human being. i won't allow myself to be happy. there has to be something that keeps it realistic, because altogether happiness just isn't possible. happiness will just disappoint. what a thwarted life. what a horrible way of thinking. why do i feel this way? what makes me think like this? 

because everything i've ever lived has brought me joy and disappointment followed. 

have i done this to myself? i can't have possibly brought on my abuser. i can't have possibly asked him (with my actions) to do what he did to me. but maybe, because of that, i started expecting pain...and that's why nobody stayed. i'm not saying it's all my fault, i'm saying that i think i started a self-fulfilling prophetic cycle. where i expect something to happen, and subconsciously find ways to make sure it happens, to justify my misery. but God is not some school bully waiting to punish me, and i'm the only one that can break this cycle. i lost a relationship because i knew it wouldn't last, and i put it into action. i pushed and pulled and fought and begged and pouted until i lost him. and now i wish i hadn't done anything that i did. i wish i would have allowed myself to be happy. because maybe then, he would have never left. maybe then, my relationship with God wouldn't be so up and down. maybe then, i'd learn to be content in who i am. maybe then, things would actually turn around. 

so this is my resolve: 

i'm going to expect the best, 

and in turn, 

i will get the best. 

(hope it's as easy as it sounds)