i'm sure that i'm not the first to argue that abandonment makes bigger ripples in the water than previously thought. abandonment doesn't just hurt the person leaving. it hurts those who are being left even worse. having been abandoned before birth shouldn't be such a big ordeal, and i've always wondered why it bothered me so much. one can understand when a couple chooses divorce and the child takes the blame, or when someone leaves, has an affair, and the kid thinks it's all their fault...and they carry that fault, that blame, that guilt, with them for the rest of their lives.
i am no different.
just because my father left before i was born doesn't mean that i was blind to the pain it caused my mother. i watched her cry more times than i'd like to recall. and it's amazing: such a selective memory at a young age, yet an extensive amount reminds me of the agony of his departure and the ripple effect it had on my family. the hatred, bitterness, confusion, and utter sadness. and it would make sense in my mind to blame none other but me. for if i hadn't been concieved, he would have stayed with her. she'd still be in springfield and they'd still be together. and my mother would always promise me that it's better that it never happened. so why did she cry? but before i beat the topic to death, i'm saying all this to say i'm afraid of being an inconvenience. it's a battle i've been fighting for about two years now, and it gets better everyday.
but when someone DARES to think of someone else as an inconvenience, i don't care if i make them angry or not, i will not allow ANYONE i love to know the same fear that i'm fighting. when it comes to the smallest things, i will fight tooth and nail to ensure that they don't even see the fight over their needs.
it's amazing how inconveniencing i'm willing to be when it's not about me.
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1 comment:
you will never be an inconvenience to me! :)
love,
your brother.
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