hagar

there's a south wind blowing, and the breeze bites at my flesh as i wrap my shawl tighter around my fragile, chilling body. i am turning around in circles, hoping to take another look in some direction and find some kind of distinguishing factor that will point me in the right direction. alas, nothing. 

this is not unfamiliar to me in my few meager years of life. i have been here before, and will not be surprised if i find myself here again. each time i end up in the middle of this tundra, wrapped in solitude and crazy thoughts, i am surprised that i have once again been dropped here. there is something to be said of a woman who tried different things and got the same result. 

the wind blows again, and i'm altogether sure that it's more than the breeze that is biting. perhaps it's the foul words that were uttered to return me to this place. i have once again been abandoned and am realizing second by second, sitting on this boulder, that i have not learned from my mistakes. 

i am fragile and thick headed. i am arrogant in my own rights and insecure in all my own efforts. i am strong and sensitive. i am a rebel with a cause. i am afraid of standing out even though i despise normality. and it confuses people. so, just like when an owner is tired of its puppy, i get left here with a bit of food and water, hoping someone else will pick me up and take me home. hey, better luck next time, right? 

but it's been wrong thus far. 

so i stand up with my black shawl like saran wrap pressed against my skin, and steam escapes from between my lips as i shout: "WHY? after all of this, the lessons learned, everything i've been through, why would you let another one abandon me like this? why would you leave me out here to fend for myself?"

and the silent answer echoes back from the startling blue skies: "cause i can't have you any other way." 

chills run like roaches down my spine, this infectious disease called humanity has once again been made apparent by the gentlest voice that this world has ever known. and it's in this moment i understand everything that's happened to me my whole life: 

i was not abandoned pointlessly. 

i was abandoned to my Creator, my Beloved. 

He wants all of me. 

and i must give Him all of me completely.

i wrap myself in the warmth of this new discovery, and start walking. who cares what direction? for i know my Beloved will always guide me Home.