awaken

“daughters of Jerusalem, i charge you by the gazelles and does of the field: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” [song of songs 3:5]

there’s a dream that is common to every girl. there’s a really handsome boy who is fascinated by her every move, her every breath, and wants to ride up on his big white horse and rescue her from her perfectly normal and ordinary life to make her life extraordinary. and there is nothing wrong with this dream. we wake up with hope and expectation, and an inability to settle for anything less.

and then we find him.

he’s beautiful. he really is. inside and out. especially out. he’s our friend but one day we realize how cute he is and how much we get along. he’s chivalrous and we think he’s quite capable of being our rescuer. so we back off. we start this “game” that has been around for centuries and we tell ourselves that it’s more “mysterious and that’s what guys want”. then we get frustrated when they don’t fight for us, we see no horse on the horizon, and we are bored. so we take things into our own hands. we walk ourselves off the cliff and dive into love, a concept we’re not ready for yet.

i’ve loved a man. when i first saw him, i was immediately drawn in by the warmth of his shy smile and the way his curls tumbled down to his deep, dark brown eyes. he had the uncanny ability to make me stutter and stumble through my words and everything i would try to explain to him. i could never remember his name, or what semester he was in, all i could remember was how beautiful i found him to be. one night, he mentioned C.S. Lewis and lots of good music, and i was immediately taken in and fascinated by this person i barely knew. i can’t explain it, but he was magnetic and he was pulling me into his polarity.

a few weeks later, after what felt like a game of cat-and-mouse, he told me he liked me. he liked me as a person and enjoyed who i was and wanted to get to know me....BUT! he wasn’t ready for love. he was just telling me how he felt so that i would know that his intentions were indefinitely a pursuit. from here, i started to fight. i did everything in my power to make him like me more, to want me more, to fight harder for me so i wouldn’t have to fight anymore. and i pushed and prodded and poked and cried and yelled and laughed and tried SO HARD to enjoy these moments with him....the moments before he fell in love with me and the fight was over.

i would love to tell you that he did fall in love with me, that we’re still going strong and i’ve had to stop fighting. that i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's all mine and that he's crazy about me and wouldn’t trade the world for me. but none of it’s true. we broke up soon after we finally started dating and i’m very single and he’s very single and very happy about it...because i smothered him.

and i was so frustrated because i couldn’t keep him. what was wrong with me?

but i have discovered that it was God protecting me from making a HUGE mistake.
when solomon’s lover pleads with us and begs us not to awaken love till it’s time...she’s probably talking about us girls to an extent, but i think she’s really talking about not awakening love in the other person. forced love isn’t love at all. we can’t make him love us...but we can be patient and trust in the One who has loved us from the foundation of the world.

don’t make someone love you, LET them love you. the journey will be much more beautiful and painless that way.

prank calls

why is it that the only time you miss me, it's a lie?
i really thought i meant more to you than this.





it hurts.

scamper

the darkness was closing in on the remaining sunlight, and night was coming quickly. she fumbled with the hotel room key between her fingers as she walked to the shabby room. she turned the key in the lock and found just what had been expected. overhead was a light that hung down in the center of the room, as if she'd just stepped in on a criminal interrogation. the hunter green carpet under her feet was so old that it appeared itchy, the round table was most likely present in the days of king arthur, and the thought of the bed was terrifying. so she turned right around and went to the backseat of her car, set up a makeshift bed, and climbed up onto the roof of her old focus. 

as the stars came out to play for the night, she dwelt on all the reasons that life had brought her here. wasn't easy to discover why, but the facts were so simple. she was literally trying to outrun herself. what they said she was and who she felt like she was were two different people, but reputations stay much longer than perceptions. and instead of just facing it...this time it was just too much - so she ran. disappeared from life-as-you-know-it with one final goodbye. she felt guilty for not loving those around her more, at least enough to let them in on this horrific secret. but nobody understood, and it was for the better. they probably would have talked her out of it, and she didn't want to be talked out of anything she was doing. 

the plan was to set up in a whole new town with a new identity and be whoever she wanted to be. to make no attachments, no history. history breeds resentment. the less interaction with humans, the better. they expect too much and they want even more. she could lie low long enough to establish things. and then, if things ever got too complicated again, she could disappear....

...if only dreams could just be real. 

severed

i want to look back on yesterday with happiness and sincerity.
but sometimes, i feel like i'm looking through glasses made of roses
like i'm looking at something that was never there.
maybe you were never fond of me.
maybe i never made you smile like you made me smile.
maybe the memories aren't as profound for you.
perhaps i'm not as interesting to you as you are fascinating to me.
there's so many absolutes that have been un-absoluted
by the simple fact that you haven't called
by the plain truth that you've moved on with your life
and i'm still waiting for a boy to be a grown-up
some say that in the world, there are plenty candidates
but only one soulmate.
that you can surely be happy with anyone...
but there's only one person that makes your heart beat with purpose.
i think you're that person.
because even when it was terrible with you,
it was better than when it was wonderful without you...

 "whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."
[emily bronte]

winter blues?

lately, i've been extremely mellow. not much to say, not much to do, not much to think. most days i want to just sit in an empty room with a cup of coffee and sad music. i'm not depressed and i'm not sad...i just want everything around me to be quiet, warm, and mellow. is this bad?

to the sky

i am broken, my song is over
my wings are clipped
i don't even want to open my mouth and
let the lies spill out anymore.
(because they'd be lies today)

you wouldn't understand if i
tried to explain what's going on in my mind
it's a battle in the trenches
all i can see is the dirt falling on my face and
closing in
(everything is closing in)

normally i can fly away from all of this
just soar over those thoughts and that pain
but now that there's holes in my feathers
and empty spaces in my heart
the only way out is through the fire
(the only way out is through this mess)

just reach down here, pick me up,
mend my brokenness and hold me
in your arms, tell me it's alright
You made me, you shaped me,
and now you lavish your love on me
(your love is the most lovely drug)

out of my lips comes a sound that
i'm afraid to sing because nobody's heard it before
after years of holding it in, i can't take it
anymore. so i am going to sing,
my Heavenly Father will hear my deepest cry.
(even broken-winged birds can sing to the sky)

indelible

I will never forget the night you found me. Naked, hungry, whimpering in the shadows of the streets. Reminding myself with the pain of a blade of the places I'd been and how they'd brought me here. Life took me by the neck and threw me around for a while. One of those stories...you said you'd never end up here, and yet here you are. That's what my life was when you found me: bleak, depressing, and pointless. Hopeless.
And then there you were. In the midst of my pain and my self-inflicted rage, You reached down into the murky mess of my heart and brought me close to You. Said it was okay, said there was hope, that I'd never thirst again. You put a cup of life to my lips and I drank deep of a love I'd never known before. You fed me with Your words of truth and I was more than satisfied, yet hungry for more. It was like an experience I'd never known, and all because You decided to love on me for a change, instead of being like the rest of the world and just loving me when it meant You'd get Your dues eventually.
This was the indelible mark you left on my soul: You touched my heart and burned right through it, consumed it, and it became whole. You brought me life in the midst of my death. Where rot and ruin should be my master, I have enslaved myself to Your Lordship. I am captured by this love that sucked me in.

[untitled]

there's a this and a that
always a beginning and end
top and bottom
hot and cold
i just want to find the middle ground.

conjecture

all the thoughts i think
i want to think
are swarming like a beehive
between my ears
and i'm not sure i can think straight
in the heart of this mess that is my home.

it's always been this way
it's always been so difficult
to express
the longings, the fear,
the pain and anxiety that i'm
all too familiar with

all of it just stays in my
chamber of a head
all locked up
shhh, it's a secret....

but today, i think Your thoughts are permeating my mind.

my soul is still
my heart is constant
and You are oh-so-faithful
just like You were yesterday
and just like You will be tomorrow.
oh, how i'm falling in love with You all over again.

the author's mid-life crisis

as time grows on, i find
i become hard-pressed for words
challenged by my own feelings (thoughts)
and extremely indignant at the thought of
outliving my creative juices.

or maybe it's the simplest of reasons
that i just expired as an artist
and to continue on will cost me something
i might not be willing to pay

antequated, out of touch words
"vintage" is not an acceptable medium
i want to find, say, think the new thing
not to set a trend, but to inspire trendsetting

i want to break so hard and fast from this
mold that has disguised itself as chains
and implement a more mind-wandered me
find a way to be the artist on days and weekends.
(who wants time off from their passion?)

i am altogether passionate about uttering words
that shake foundations
i am altogether passionate about shouting things
that whisper verity.
i just want to make a difference

[to be titled]

take a ride with me on the brink of sanity
for just one moment, lay aside your limitations
and fly with me 'round the world
as i discover the place where i went wrong

butterflies never did grow on me
and their effect impressed me even less
but it's the truth, one thing makes the rest what they are
and i'd be an utter fool to deny that truth

we were so much younger but older then
we've got the wisdom now but the mentality hit rewind
it's a teeter-totter totting out of control
balance is the last thing on our minds

i guess it just comes down to the fact that
we're neither who we wanted to be or who we thought we were
and only outside this finite box of a mind
can i ever expect to find any type of answers

take a ride with me on the brink of sanity
just for one moment, see why i'm losing mine
and then console me to no avail
because i know that this time, if i lose it, i lose it all.

proverbs one:seven

"the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction."

proverbs talks a lot about wisdom. wisdom itself is the one thing that solomon asked for when granted the opportunity. and in his writings in proverbs, he seems to beg us to seek the same thing - which has always confused me a little, considering the man had thousands of women at his disposal. doesn't sound too wise.

but i think in chapter one, verse seven, we see a little insight into the years that have brought him to this place. he isn't saying this because he was successful, but he sees where he has lacked and he makes a decision to warn the next generation that you can have wisdom, but without the fear of the Lord, it will do you no good.

i'm 20 years old. i like indie rock music, peace signs, the color purple, old literature, floral patterns, tattoos, and coffee. lots and lots of coffee. in this past year, i have watched myself flee girl-hood and become a woman. and in this next year, my goal is to solidify. i know i'll never have this life figured out, but i would love to figure out that He's the only way i'll make it. and the beginning of that is the fear of the Lord. not to be afraid of him, and not even to fear his judgments, but to have such a reverence and respect for Him that i realize that nothing makes sense unless He is in the midst of it. and that will produce wisdom that can only come from above.

so i guess, this is my resolve. call it a new year's resolution if you will.
i just want this year to be the year that i fear the Lord first and make myself look good later.
God, that i might fear Your name.