pleading insanity
i don't need advertisements around every corner telling me how much i lack. i do that enough for myself and the rest of us for that matter, thank you. i don't need supergirl parading her superhuman abilities around in front of me when i'm trying so hard to just be a steady, stable woman. i'm strange, that is a fact established. i'm different, not like it's that hard to be in a world like ours. i'm special. i stand out. i thought that was supposed to be a good thing? and yet here i sit, feeling like a freak show without a cause, a performing monkey without an audience. where are those who i call friends? the ones i love have become wrapped up in a life lived for the right reasons and i'm just stuck at home without them. i'm disappointed in the life i thought i was gonna have compared to the cold hard facts. i don't like always being the wrong one, the one that fails, the one that falls short. i can't stand being the insignificant one, that's just a part i feel i have to play. maybe someday i'll stop running in circles, i'll realize that i don't have a tail so why am i chasing it? when it all comes crashing down, i'm learning to be content, but what about when i feel like i don't measure up to what you said i am? or how about when you never say what i am and so i don't know what's going on in your head, so i guess, and my guesses are never good guesses. you should tell me what you're thinking because what i'm thinking that you're thinking aren't positive thoughts. and so we can see why i feel like i'm going insane. i sure hope that's the problem, because otherwise, this crazy, out of control woman is just plainly WHO I AM and that makes me just like every other woman that came before me. i'll have made no ripple in the water, no change in this world, and that's worse than never existing at all.
sufficiency
what one thing could i say that would make you change your mind about GOD?
i'm full of questions now and then. this one seems to nag at my insides. could it be as simple as jesus loves you? or God wants you to know he's there for you? maybe it would be something personal. like, God didn't leave when your father did. or, He's here in the midst of your grief, and He wants to hold you tight. perhaps it's just a scripture that would show you that you're not on the right track. all i know is that for me, all it took was this: you don't have to do it on your own.
i'm full of questions now and then. this one seems to nag at my insides. could it be as simple as jesus loves you? or God wants you to know he's there for you? maybe it would be something personal. like, God didn't leave when your father did. or, He's here in the midst of your grief, and He wants to hold you tight. perhaps it's just a scripture that would show you that you're not on the right track. all i know is that for me, all it took was this: you don't have to do it on your own.
lemonade
what would it look like if i was never afraid again?
i'd notice there was a sky, the trees would grow colors, there would be no hopelessness. she wouldn't be prettier and funnier and more talented than me. no, there would only be God's love pouring down on me and i would be opting to walk without an umbrella, thank you. i'd play my music louder and i wouldn't mind it a bit. maybe i'd even go cliff diving. heck, i'd go sky diving. would you even recognize me? i wouldn't hold back and i'd stop trying so hard. you would be fascinated by my ability to find security in our relationship, and i would laugh in the face of danger. i would love you. helplessly. endlessly. deeply. forever. and it would be so beautiful. to know that my love is stronger than any fear, to be completely sure that who you are is who i want for the rest of my life. i'd dive head first into everything about life and i wouldn't regret a thing. i could sleep through the night. i would ride a million rollercoasters and laugh the whole way. i wouldn't regret telling you that i think i'm gonna be in love with you. i wouldn't regret thinking that i want you to be my forever friend. it would look like the life i've always thirsted for.
i'd notice there was a sky, the trees would grow colors, there would be no hopelessness. she wouldn't be prettier and funnier and more talented than me. no, there would only be God's love pouring down on me and i would be opting to walk without an umbrella, thank you. i'd play my music louder and i wouldn't mind it a bit. maybe i'd even go cliff diving. heck, i'd go sky diving. would you even recognize me? i wouldn't hold back and i'd stop trying so hard. you would be fascinated by my ability to find security in our relationship, and i would laugh in the face of danger. i would love you. helplessly. endlessly. deeply. forever. and it would be so beautiful. to know that my love is stronger than any fear, to be completely sure that who you are is who i want for the rest of my life. i'd dive head first into everything about life and i wouldn't regret a thing. i could sleep through the night. i would ride a million rollercoasters and laugh the whole way. i wouldn't regret telling you that i think i'm gonna be in love with you. i wouldn't regret thinking that i want you to be my forever friend. it would look like the life i've always thirsted for.
perspective
"i believe in the sun when it isn't shining, i believe in love even when it is felt not, and i believe in God even when He is silent." [unknown, found carved on a wall at a concentration camp]
causes one to think, doesn't it?
causes one to think, doesn't it?
lovesick = chalah
"He brought me to the banqueting table, and His banner over me was love. Sustain me with cakes of raisins, Refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick." [songofsongs 2:4-5]
lovesick, directly translated in the hebrew, is chalah, which means "weak with passion". this woman is so entirely dependent on her lover that when his presence is removed from her, she feels utterly powerless. have you ever been so in love that you can't eat or sleep? THAT is this woman. she feels like she can't make it without his nearness. in the whole context of the book, she says often that she is faint with love, that her heart yearns for him. she wants nothing more than to be with him every single second of every single day. to feel his touch, to hear his confessions of love whispered in her ear and for her to know that in his arms, she has made her home. why can't i do the same? so many times, when i am caught in a rough patch, self sufficiency becomes my lover; my first instinct is to handle things myself. i always want control of the situation so it will get done perfectly. but what i forget so easily, with my foolish and silly human ways, is that only my God can make a situation work out perfectly. a need to be in control is really a deficiency of trust. i will be the first to admit that this is my hardship in my walk with God. i don't trust that when things seem to be falling apart, that He will take me in His arms and carry me through effortlessly. so i labor and labor and didn't i just toil over that patch of land? and yet here it is, dead. because my human efforts from sunup to sundown just won't measure up. a life of being in control, a life of absolute and utter need for perfection will end up being a life wasted. all i should desire is to be more like Him, and even He relies on Himself. so who am i to say that i don't need Him? i'm a fool, that's what i am. i want to be weak with passion. i want to be completely wrecked for my self reliance, and all i want is to be lovesick. sounds like a strange request, but i'm honestly tired of being in control. i'm tired of figuring everything out. and it seems like He's in the business of taking care of me. He'd be much better at it anyway.
lovesick, directly translated in the hebrew, is chalah, which means "weak with passion". this woman is so entirely dependent on her lover that when his presence is removed from her, she feels utterly powerless. have you ever been so in love that you can't eat or sleep? THAT is this woman. she feels like she can't make it without his nearness. in the whole context of the book, she says often that she is faint with love, that her heart yearns for him. she wants nothing more than to be with him every single second of every single day. to feel his touch, to hear his confessions of love whispered in her ear and for her to know that in his arms, she has made her home. why can't i do the same? so many times, when i am caught in a rough patch, self sufficiency becomes my lover; my first instinct is to handle things myself. i always want control of the situation so it will get done perfectly. but what i forget so easily, with my foolish and silly human ways, is that only my God can make a situation work out perfectly. a need to be in control is really a deficiency of trust. i will be the first to admit that this is my hardship in my walk with God. i don't trust that when things seem to be falling apart, that He will take me in His arms and carry me through effortlessly. so i labor and labor and didn't i just toil over that patch of land? and yet here it is, dead. because my human efforts from sunup to sundown just won't measure up. a life of being in control, a life of absolute and utter need for perfection will end up being a life wasted. all i should desire is to be more like Him, and even He relies on Himself. so who am i to say that i don't need Him? i'm a fool, that's what i am. i want to be weak with passion. i want to be completely wrecked for my self reliance, and all i want is to be lovesick. sounds like a strange request, but i'm honestly tired of being in control. i'm tired of figuring everything out. and it seems like He's in the business of taking care of me. He'd be much better at it anyway.
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