the sun isn't nearly as merciless today in this place of desolation.
it's been a while now, and i haven't yet tired of this wilderness experience. i've been restoring the ancient words of the women who have come before me, and i'm finding such sustenance and power in the things they spoke and wrote, and although it hasn't happened yet, hopefully i will write something like they did to leave it behind for the next woman that passes through. i'll shatter it on the ground as well, though. words are so meaningless when handed to you effortlessly, the work you do to understand it all makes them come to life.
i've realized quite a few things about myself in this place. i will not be understood fully by any human being, and to expect such a thing is just setting myself up for failure and disappointment. that's the tragic beauty in humanity: we don't understand one another. and in that knowledge, i am an utter fool if i am not exactly who my Husband lovingly shaped me into being. don't you understand? i'm not like those quiet, ladylike women that churches seem to be so extremely fond of. i am a lover and a fighter. i am a rebel with a cause. i am armed and dangerous. and that's just going to have to be okay with you, because my Beloved is quite jealous for it.
i've been asked why i find it necessary to compare myself to gomer when there obviously were many other women that have been in this place. and this is the only sufficient answer i can bring: i have prostituted my heart to undeserving men and have neglected to remember my first love and His faithfulness to me. and for that, i am truly sorrowful.
but my greatest sorrow in my discoveries here can only be marked with one word: forgetfulness. oh, how quickly i forget His faithfulness to me and long for my knight to come gallavanting through the bushes, sweep me off the sand and onto his horse, and once again ride into the sunset. but i'm starting to discover that even if it was time to start out on the trail, i'm not sure i'd want a ride anyway. mostly because i am fearful that i would forget again. i know it breaks His heart, and that's what breaks mine.
" 'she decked herself with her earrings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but Me she forgot,' says the Lord." [hosea 2:13]
dear mascara wearing man i met in the paseo tonight,
...i totally would have said something had i not been mesmerized by you. gosh, you're beautiful.
...i totally would have gone out with you had you not been wearing makeup. gosh, you're vain.
:)
...i totally would have gone out with you had you not been wearing makeup. gosh, you're vain.
:)
oh, i'm terribly sorry...was i in your way?
i'm sure that i'm not the first to argue that abandonment makes bigger ripples in the water than previously thought. abandonment doesn't just hurt the person leaving. it hurts those who are being left even worse. having been abandoned before birth shouldn't be such a big ordeal, and i've always wondered why it bothered me so much. one can understand when a couple chooses divorce and the child takes the blame, or when someone leaves, has an affair, and the kid thinks it's all their fault...and they carry that fault, that blame, that guilt, with them for the rest of their lives.
i am no different.
just because my father left before i was born doesn't mean that i was blind to the pain it caused my mother. i watched her cry more times than i'd like to recall. and it's amazing: such a selective memory at a young age, yet an extensive amount reminds me of the agony of his departure and the ripple effect it had on my family. the hatred, bitterness, confusion, and utter sadness. and it would make sense in my mind to blame none other but me. for if i hadn't been concieved, he would have stayed with her. she'd still be in springfield and they'd still be together. and my mother would always promise me that it's better that it never happened. so why did she cry? but before i beat the topic to death, i'm saying all this to say i'm afraid of being an inconvenience. it's a battle i've been fighting for about two years now, and it gets better everyday.
but when someone DARES to think of someone else as an inconvenience, i don't care if i make them angry or not, i will not allow ANYONE i love to know the same fear that i'm fighting. when it comes to the smallest things, i will fight tooth and nail to ensure that they don't even see the fight over their needs.
it's amazing how inconveniencing i'm willing to be when it's not about me.
i am no different.
just because my father left before i was born doesn't mean that i was blind to the pain it caused my mother. i watched her cry more times than i'd like to recall. and it's amazing: such a selective memory at a young age, yet an extensive amount reminds me of the agony of his departure and the ripple effect it had on my family. the hatred, bitterness, confusion, and utter sadness. and it would make sense in my mind to blame none other but me. for if i hadn't been concieved, he would have stayed with her. she'd still be in springfield and they'd still be together. and my mother would always promise me that it's better that it never happened. so why did she cry? but before i beat the topic to death, i'm saying all this to say i'm afraid of being an inconvenience. it's a battle i've been fighting for about two years now, and it gets better everyday.
but when someone DARES to think of someone else as an inconvenience, i don't care if i make them angry or not, i will not allow ANYONE i love to know the same fear that i'm fighting. when it comes to the smallest things, i will fight tooth and nail to ensure that they don't even see the fight over their needs.
it's amazing how inconveniencing i'm willing to be when it's not about me.
first thoughts of 2009
"not that i speak in regard to need, for i have learned in whatever state i am, to be content: i know how to be abased, and i know how to abound. everywhere and in all things i have learned to both be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. i can do all things through christ who strengthens me." [philippians 4:11-13]
this year has rung itself in with so many beautiful opportunities. i get to go to china this year, hopefully i'll be singing at cfni this year, i'll be graduating from the two year program this year...the list could go on. but there will be challenges, i'm sure. and i'm going to be content. sure, i have a few resolutions of my own, but will any of them amount to anything if i'm not content not only with who i am, but who He is for me? this year, i mostly resolve to be sold out to the One who paid for me with His life.
wow i don't like sparkling grape juice unless it's white. haha.
what better way to ring in the new year than with family, friends, and most importantly, my faith? this is going to be a good year, i can feel it. and not because of anything in its natural composition. i'm going to make it a good one!
God, You are so wonderful. thank you for another year to be alive, another year to abound gracefully, another year at CFNI (the best thing i could ever do), another year to share everything You are with everyone who doesn't know. thank you so much for entrusting me with the work of the Kingdom. i am certainly undeserving and i won't pretend like i am worth the risk. but thank You, Lord, for seeing who i will be and pushing me to get there.
2008 is gone, and so are my valleys.
welcome to 2009: the year of the unabashed wilderness.
this year has rung itself in with so many beautiful opportunities. i get to go to china this year, hopefully i'll be singing at cfni this year, i'll be graduating from the two year program this year...the list could go on. but there will be challenges, i'm sure. and i'm going to be content. sure, i have a few resolutions of my own, but will any of them amount to anything if i'm not content not only with who i am, but who He is for me? this year, i mostly resolve to be sold out to the One who paid for me with His life.
wow i don't like sparkling grape juice unless it's white. haha.
what better way to ring in the new year than with family, friends, and most importantly, my faith? this is going to be a good year, i can feel it. and not because of anything in its natural composition. i'm going to make it a good one!
God, You are so wonderful. thank you for another year to be alive, another year to abound gracefully, another year at CFNI (the best thing i could ever do), another year to share everything You are with everyone who doesn't know. thank you so much for entrusting me with the work of the Kingdom. i am certainly undeserving and i won't pretend like i am worth the risk. but thank You, Lord, for seeing who i will be and pushing me to get there.
2008 is gone, and so are my valleys.
welcome to 2009: the year of the unabashed wilderness.
i feel like i have something to say.
in this state of mind, after the half awake afternoon
i find that my thoughts are more coherent than i am
and i know that my heart is ready to make a change
this wilderness is the safest place to become who i will be.
maybe i'll be funny, maybe i'll be smart,
maybe i'll choose to take my heart off of my sleeve
maybe i'll be stronger, i don't know what i'll become
but i know that i won't speak what's inside as quickly as i've done.
i feel like i have something to say,
but i think i might keep it to myself this time.
i find that my thoughts are more coherent than i am
and i know that my heart is ready to make a change
this wilderness is the safest place to become who i will be.
maybe i'll be funny, maybe i'll be smart,
maybe i'll choose to take my heart off of my sleeve
maybe i'll be stronger, i don't know what i'll become
but i know that i won't speak what's inside as quickly as i've done.
i feel like i have something to say,
but i think i might keep it to myself this time.
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