choices.

today, i talked to an admissions counselor at the college i've always planned to go to. he was extremely friendly and had a great smile. every question i asked was met with a very professional yet opinionated answer, and he knew just what to say to make me more and more impressed with a school that already impressed me. he gave me shortcuts and options that made everything seem that much easier. and 30 minutes later, as i walked away, i left with a sense of resolution. 

a couple days ago, i was trying to sleep to avoid the impending nausea that i knew was coming due to the minor turbulence our plane was going to face in the stages of landing. i had knocked out easily with a specific dream of him and i, sitting on the couch in our newly furnished home, eating snap peas and watching moulin rouge. it was quite a beautiful scenario. and 2 minutes into it, as my head popped off my pillow, i found a sense of resolution. 

two random happenings that have one major connection. 

my life is finally falling into place. 

i'm going to be a christian counselor. i'm going to transfer to SAGU and get a bachelor's in professional development (specializing in christian counseling) and then i'm going to get my master's in counseling psychology; which, by the time i graduate, will have me prepared for the LPC (licensed professional counselor) test. and i'm going to help people with it. my bachelor's in professional development will help me land a good job while i finish school so i can help lots of sexually abused women who are almost always left to an un-licensed person who has been through the crucible of abuse, or a professional who is too far removed from the subject matter to really understand. i want to be a light that has both aspects; experience and a degree. 

and i think he's it. that's all i'm going to say on that matter, considering i'm too scared to commit to an ice cream flavor i ordered 5 minutes before. 

i think i finally understand what i was made to do. 

pot of gold

where the sun sets and beyond the cloudy horizon

lies a place where only the brave dare to trod

and their shoes are tattering and their jeans are torn

but if you asked any wayward traveller, they'd tell you it was worth

selling all the gold in the world to find this one precious jewel

as dreams fade into the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

smiling with the end of the road in sight

beautiful in the meadow, frightening in the stark night

this place is only to be found by the ones willing to find

and only to be discovered by the ones willing to search

if you found it you would never go back

never give up

never long for the past 

for finding love is one of the greatest adventures known to man. 

walking advertisements for pain.

come one, come all!

come see the girl who knows

how to ruin a perfectly good thing

with a golden touch

she can open her mouth and turn joy to rust

she can move her fingers and melt love into hatred

with one quick flick of her wrist she can paint disaster

and she does it all for the low price of your heart

what a master at her craft!

have you ever seen anyone like her? 

the brilliant destruction that lies before her

at the end of each show

...you'd never know she regrets it every time. 

come one, come all!

come see, come see the girl

who is capable of ruining even the 

simplest of joys. 

come one, come all!

come see, come see the girl

who turns pure joy into mere sorrow. 

the girl who just wishes she could get it right this time,

the one time it actually matters. 

the girl who is truly sorry. 

oh, dear. don't cry.

in the land of comparison, there is no winner. 

no absolutes. just...broken scales

tainted by the sands of time

stained by the sorrow of yesterday 

and nobody knows how to play the game anymore. 

it's all convoluted

where up should be down, east is west

and the sky is green and the grass is blue

the problem lies within the human heart

for above all, it is deceitful. 

for one day, it could tell you you're unworthy of it all

and the next, it reminds you that you're falling in love

alice in wonderland made more sense than this uncharted territory

...at least for me. 

prince charming prefers going for walks now 

and hourglasses are frozen in place

a pawn from the life-size chess board is left alone in the dark night

the living candle is constantly looking over his shoulder. 

while the universe may be against some altogether

i'm altogether sure that i'm just in an alternate universe.

love/strife

i am finding that love is often born in the midst of strife. when the flood comes in, there are two choices: there is the decision to evaluate the cost of it all and decide that you know what? you were never really willing to pay the price in the first place. which is fine, you're mostly grateful that you made that decision before you had to sit through the storm, you're grateful that it wasn't love in this case. and there is the decision to sit down and look behind you; to see all the memories, the good and the bad, and to realize that this person has genuinely just made your life better. the way they talk, the way they live, the adventure they bring, it's just all making your life happier than you ever were before. and this storm that is knocking on the door might bring complications, and you might even have to lock your door and lock them out, but you only do it because you know it's for the best. and that is when you know love has been born. 

and this is where i find myself. the storm has come upon me, and rapidly. i have already chosen what i am going to do. you've never been bad for me. not until now. you're like a natural sedative. when i see your rejection, it gives me no purpose to be awake and enjoying the world, for the world is significantly less enjoyable without you. i am adventure-less. you think that i'm locking you out because i want the storm to whisk you away forever. but really i'm locking the door because i've left it open for so long that the storm has already brought damage and now i'm just trying to salvage the remnants. and if you'll be waiting once it's passed, you can come in and we can live happily ever after. 

oh, how i despise the strife that brings love.