invincible

the reality of death is never

as real as when it is staring you in the face

its hollow eyes piercing all your paradigms

its vapid mouth breathing stench in your nostrils and

you can't even speak

its shrill scream piercing the night and 

making the very hairs of your body stand straight

death is a monster that consumes

the jock

the joker

the mom

the dad

the best friend

the prom queen

the CEO

it tickles your ears in the symphony of this life

it entices you, tells you its more beautiful than what you think

but the reality of it all is that

death is nothing more than our eventual fate. 

we are not invincible. 

we are never invincible. 

shadows cast on my face

the wear and tear of life has brought me to this place

and there's only one thing to say: 

life goes on.

the artist's lament

i catch my moods in pans as the rain pitter

patters down and swirls into my sentiments. 

for a heart to be loved it must be recognized. 

invisibility is only a gift in the movies. 

nowhere in history can you find

an invisible man who was recognized

for although they count it as strength

it is their ever consuming weakness.

and my sentiments are being stuffed in my heart

so deep i think the bottom might fall out and 

spill all over my insides. a beautiful tragedy. 

for i am void and find no location to express

the things i think that could rattle the 

foundations of my own thoughts. 

where art and humanity collide

finds a girl who is deeply involved in her mind

someone who can't pretend like the tempest

is non existent, for it is altogether consumption

i must find a way to express these longings

before i explode into a million pieces

and in my desperation to be something more, 

start using each piece for another clever catch phrase

there has to be a way i can get this out 

to find the freedom that i seek inside my mind

it isn't a bondage, it's volunteer captivity

but still, there is a price to be paid

my heart must be worn inside out. 

hagar

there's a south wind blowing, and the breeze bites at my flesh as i wrap my shawl tighter around my fragile, chilling body. i am turning around in circles, hoping to take another look in some direction and find some kind of distinguishing factor that will point me in the right direction. alas, nothing. 

this is not unfamiliar to me in my few meager years of life. i have been here before, and will not be surprised if i find myself here again. each time i end up in the middle of this tundra, wrapped in solitude and crazy thoughts, i am surprised that i have once again been dropped here. there is something to be said of a woman who tried different things and got the same result. 

the wind blows again, and i'm altogether sure that it's more than the breeze that is biting. perhaps it's the foul words that were uttered to return me to this place. i have once again been abandoned and am realizing second by second, sitting on this boulder, that i have not learned from my mistakes. 

i am fragile and thick headed. i am arrogant in my own rights and insecure in all my own efforts. i am strong and sensitive. i am a rebel with a cause. i am afraid of standing out even though i despise normality. and it confuses people. so, just like when an owner is tired of its puppy, i get left here with a bit of food and water, hoping someone else will pick me up and take me home. hey, better luck next time, right? 

but it's been wrong thus far. 

so i stand up with my black shawl like saran wrap pressed against my skin, and steam escapes from between my lips as i shout: "WHY? after all of this, the lessons learned, everything i've been through, why would you let another one abandon me like this? why would you leave me out here to fend for myself?"

and the silent answer echoes back from the startling blue skies: "cause i can't have you any other way." 

chills run like roaches down my spine, this infectious disease called humanity has once again been made apparent by the gentlest voice that this world has ever known. and it's in this moment i understand everything that's happened to me my whole life: 

i was not abandoned pointlessly. 

i was abandoned to my Creator, my Beloved. 

He wants all of me. 

and i must give Him all of me completely.

i wrap myself in the warmth of this new discovery, and start walking. who cares what direction? for i know my Beloved will always guide me Home.

more than enough

i find i am so desperate to be heard that i don't listen

and so desperate to be seen that i don't seek

i look for love instead of letting love look for me

.backwards all is it (?)

what can satisfy this confusion and longing 

this desire to be known? 

only that God that knows me and has shaped me 

with the very palm of His hand, 

the same hand that contains my destiny?

how can i see this beauty and claim it's not enough?

what a selfish, frail being i am

and what a demanding child i've become. 

Lord, i promise, someday i'll get it. 

and someday Your love will be more than 

"more than enough"