economics of spirituality

i've come to a very difficult place - a place where the economics of emotion rule. and in this case, in this kingdom, i am extremely broke and poor. this might come as a surprise to some, but to many i've become simply numb. there is an explanation for this, but i'm not altogether sure it's the sole reason that i've found myself in this place. and now i find that i can only see an oasis when there's music playing - in worship. when i sit down to pray, i'm a completely different person.

the reason?

when i worship, i only focus on how good God is. He is so merciful, He is faithful and kind, He is worthy, He is my shelter, my deliverer, He is altogether worthy and i live to give Him praise. but when i pray, that is when i have to take the bad in life with the good and present it to Him. the problem with this is that when i finally get to acknowledging the bad, i blame God for it.

but the truth is, anything bad we face in this life is a result of man trying to be without God. God is good and ONLY good. even in His judgement, He is good because His just, you see? and so by acknowledging the bad, i am ultimately acknowledging my need for a Saviour. and i need Him, there is no doubt about that.

hungry

i've discovered i have an insatiable hunger for the things i can't have.

which would be okay if God was unattainable.

accomplished

it's impossible for me to comprehend that in my 20 years of life, i have accomplished so much more than i ever thought i would. and this is only the beginning. a degree under my belt, graduation in may, 2 recordings, a song being chosen for a school project, touring the US with a bible school worship team that just wants to spread the kingdom...and i think i have a pathetic life. who am i to second guess what the Lord has blessed me with?! thank you, God, for making sure that my life never had even a chance of being mediocre. i'm achieving greatness only by your grace and I will not forget. can this be the launching point? can this be the beginning?

snip

it was a cold, chilly day in november when she said goodbye. through her many tears, she dejectedly uttered, "nostalgia just isn't enough anymore. i just want to love AND be loved. why is that so difficult to ask?" as he stumbled over his words trying to think of an adequate response, he came to the staggering realization that she was right. he had never really taken the time to love HER. she turned her back on him and began to walk away, each step driving the knife of goodbye deeper into his side.

as she walked away, each step a painful process of denying the very thing she wanted, she knew this couldn't be the end or she might die. she was so in love with him, every inch of who he was, every part of his being...and he had no idea. nor had he cared enough to find out. he was bored with her because she wasn't good at playing hide-and-seek with her feelings. and now her heart was the door prize - turned - doormat.

friendship gained, friendship lost.

there are murmurs of the past echoing in my ears

calling out, hoping to reach some sort of canal

hoping to make sense to me

but i'm not making out the syllables anymore

maybe i'm too far ahead to reach back and

bring the past to my present.