mockingbird

maya angelou put it best when she titled her art.
"i know why the caged bird sings," she said.

inevitable

whoever said change is inevitable knew me too well.

pleading insanity

i don't need advertisements around every corner telling me how much i lack. i do that enough for myself and the rest of us for that matter, thank you. i don't need supergirl parading her superhuman abilities around in front of me when i'm trying so hard to just be a steady, stable woman. i'm strange, that is a fact established. i'm different, not like it's that hard to be in a world like ours. i'm special. i stand out. i thought that was supposed to be a good thing? and yet here i sit, feeling like a freak show without a cause, a performing monkey without an audience. where are those who i call friends? the ones i love have become wrapped up in a life lived for the right reasons and i'm just stuck at home without them. i'm disappointed in the life i thought i was gonna have compared to the cold hard facts. i don't like always being the wrong one, the one that fails, the one that falls short. i can't stand being the insignificant one, that's just a part i feel i have to play. maybe someday i'll stop running in circles, i'll realize that i don't have a tail so why am i chasing it? when it all comes crashing down, i'm learning to be content, but what about when i feel like i don't measure up to what you said i am? or how about when you never say what i am and so i don't know what's going on in your head, so i guess, and my guesses are never good guesses. you should tell me what you're thinking because what i'm thinking that you're thinking aren't positive thoughts. and so we can see why i feel like i'm going insane. i sure hope that's the problem, because otherwise, this crazy, out of control woman is just plainly WHO I AM and that makes me just like every other woman that came before me. i'll have made no ripple in the water, no change in this world, and that's worse than never existing at all.

sufficiency

what one thing could i say that would make you change your mind about GOD?

i'm full of questions now and then. this one seems to nag at my insides. could it be as simple as jesus loves you? or God wants you to know he's there for you? maybe it would be something personal. like, God didn't leave when your father did. or, He's here in the midst of your grief, and He wants to hold you tight. perhaps it's just a scripture that would show you that you're not on the right track. all i know is that for me, all it took was this: you don't have to do it on your own.

lemonade

what would it look like if i was never afraid again?

i'd notice there was a sky, the trees would grow colors, there would be no hopelessness. she wouldn't be prettier and funnier and more talented than me. no, there would only be God's love pouring down on me and i would be opting to walk without an umbrella, thank you. i'd play my music louder and i wouldn't mind it a bit. maybe i'd even go cliff diving. heck, i'd go sky diving. would you even recognize me? i wouldn't hold back and i'd stop trying so hard. you would be fascinated by my ability to find security in our relationship, and i would laugh in the face of danger. i would love you. helplessly. endlessly. deeply. forever. and it would be so beautiful. to know that my love is stronger than any fear, to be completely sure that who you are is who i want for the rest of my life. i'd dive head first into everything about life and i wouldn't regret a thing. i could sleep through the night. i would ride a million rollercoasters and laugh the whole way. i wouldn't regret telling you that i think i'm gonna be in love with you. i wouldn't regret thinking that i want you to be my forever friend. it would look like the life i've always thirsted for.