i'm feeling like there's something important on my mind, but i'm not persistent enough to chase whatever it might be. maybe next time.
goodnight, moon.
[untitled]
the blinking cursor on the page is threatening me, and i find that although i have everything in the world to say, i'm not sure if my thoughts can make it all the way to my fingertips tonight. all i know is that the questions swimming around in their heads are contagious and now i can't stop thinking about all of this. i feel utterly rejected yet again today. they poke and prod with their playful words and their playful nature and i'm so easily provoked to tears. i'm sure they don't want that. but it's days like these where i feel like i'm crazy and nobody gets me and that i'll be alone forever. i know, it sounds crazy, but it's so true for me as a college student. as i grow and change, will you stay? i was hoping they'd lease on a house and they didn't. and all my plans are falling through. i don't really know quite what i'm trying to say, all i know is that the tears that have been camping on the brink of my eyelids are going to come raining down any minute.
storytime
where are the bible stories for people like me?
i don't find one moment in the bible that includes "open mouth, insert foot" or "she ruined her love life with her sarcastic tongue and strong personality". i can't even seem to find "she was ever changing and it scared her friends away". maybe i'm crazy for thinking bible characters would have struggles like me, struggles to be accepted, struggles to be enough, struggles to contain their overflowing joy and laughter. i'm sure ruth and job and peter had plenty more worries than i. but i can't help but wonder what my story would look like if i was in the bible.
there was a girl, a very broken girl, near the village where jesus was staying. she was a beautiful girl with lots to offer: a beautiful voice, a giving and sacrificial heart, maturity...but she was also known for her loud mouth and clumsiness, her crazy stories, and her ability to run people away. one day, she'd finally had enough and she went to find jesus to ask him why God would make her such a reject. during the time she was travelling to the nearby village, she pondered in her heart why people couldn't love the complicated woman she was becoming. for she was only a child, and still learning. the more she thought, the more embittered she became, and when she entered the citadel, she was ready to tell him about it. but when she saw his face...the face of acceptance, sufficiency, unashamed joy and laughter...it all changed.
i wish someone in the bible felt like that so i could relate to them right now.
i don't find one moment in the bible that includes "open mouth, insert foot" or "she ruined her love life with her sarcastic tongue and strong personality". i can't even seem to find "she was ever changing and it scared her friends away". maybe i'm crazy for thinking bible characters would have struggles like me, struggles to be accepted, struggles to be enough, struggles to contain their overflowing joy and laughter. i'm sure ruth and job and peter had plenty more worries than i. but i can't help but wonder what my story would look like if i was in the bible.
there was a girl, a very broken girl, near the village where jesus was staying. she was a beautiful girl with lots to offer: a beautiful voice, a giving and sacrificial heart, maturity...but she was also known for her loud mouth and clumsiness, her crazy stories, and her ability to run people away. one day, she'd finally had enough and she went to find jesus to ask him why God would make her such a reject. during the time she was travelling to the nearby village, she pondered in her heart why people couldn't love the complicated woman she was becoming. for she was only a child, and still learning. the more she thought, the more embittered she became, and when she entered the citadel, she was ready to tell him about it. but when she saw his face...the face of acceptance, sufficiency, unashamed joy and laughter...it all changed.
i wish someone in the bible felt like that so i could relate to them right now.
romanced
i spent a little time with Him today. oh, how wonderful it is to hear His whispers of love so much clearer than i have in ages. i am truly in love with everything that He is. how could i see the love he poured out, chemically infused in every drop of blood He shed on the cross, how can i see that and be so calloused? i am a wretch saved by grace, and that is the only redemptive quality i have in my flesh and bones. how presumptuous of us to think that we come to God and we choose Him on our terms. no, God predestined my heart to be His. He knew the way my heart would beat (even if it is inconsistent at times), He knew the sickness and disease i would face, He knew the fears i would fight, He knew the tears i would cry. He knows my favorite color, He knows what music i like. He can finish my sentences, He laughs at my jokes...He knows how to paint the sunset to remind me He's here...and He knows just when to make it rain. you want romance? He's been pursuing my heart since the foundations of the world. why? because He wants to make me, shape me, into something that showcases His greatness. because in my nothingness, He is something. in my weakness, His strength is displayed. in my insecurities and insufficiencies, He is security and sufficiency. what a beautiful picture of a love story. and yet so often, i am found like a raving mad animal, hunting it down in bookstores and in coffee shops and in apartment complexes...man or woman, poor or rich, small or tall...i'm craving love. why can't i seem to remember that His love is staring me in the face and i'm just too dense to reach out and take it? i don't mean to so often put myself down. for i know that i am a beautiful portrait of the Father's love for His people. i know that i am beautiful on the outside AND the inside, i am confident that my spirit is that of a warrior and that because of it i will do great things, and i know that even though sometimes i may fail, i live a life close to the character that is mentioned in proverbs 31, and i am still striving. but it's in times like these, when i am looking back so i can look ahead, that i realize just how far i have to go. and right now, that challenge is going to be embracing His love even more.
into the wild
the sun isn't nearly as merciless today in this place of desolation.
it's been a while now, and i haven't yet tired of this wilderness experience. i've been restoring the ancient words of the women who have come before me, and i'm finding such sustenance and power in the things they spoke and wrote, and although it hasn't happened yet, hopefully i will write something like they did to leave it behind for the next woman that passes through. i'll shatter it on the ground as well, though. words are so meaningless when handed to you effortlessly, the work you do to understand it all makes them come to life.
i've realized quite a few things about myself in this place. i will not be understood fully by any human being, and to expect such a thing is just setting myself up for failure and disappointment. that's the tragic beauty in humanity: we don't understand one another. and in that knowledge, i am an utter fool if i am not exactly who my Husband lovingly shaped me into being. don't you understand? i'm not like those quiet, ladylike women that churches seem to be so extremely fond of. i am a lover and a fighter. i am a rebel with a cause. i am armed and dangerous. and that's just going to have to be okay with you, because my Beloved is quite jealous for it.
i've been asked why i find it necessary to compare myself to gomer when there obviously were many other women that have been in this place. and this is the only sufficient answer i can bring: i have prostituted my heart to undeserving men and have neglected to remember my first love and His faithfulness to me. and for that, i am truly sorrowful.
but my greatest sorrow in my discoveries here can only be marked with one word: forgetfulness. oh, how quickly i forget His faithfulness to me and long for my knight to come gallavanting through the bushes, sweep me off the sand and onto his horse, and once again ride into the sunset. but i'm starting to discover that even if it was time to start out on the trail, i'm not sure i'd want a ride anyway. mostly because i am fearful that i would forget again. i know it breaks His heart, and that's what breaks mine.
" 'she decked herself with her earrings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but Me she forgot,' says the Lord." [hosea 2:13]
it's been a while now, and i haven't yet tired of this wilderness experience. i've been restoring the ancient words of the women who have come before me, and i'm finding such sustenance and power in the things they spoke and wrote, and although it hasn't happened yet, hopefully i will write something like they did to leave it behind for the next woman that passes through. i'll shatter it on the ground as well, though. words are so meaningless when handed to you effortlessly, the work you do to understand it all makes them come to life.
i've realized quite a few things about myself in this place. i will not be understood fully by any human being, and to expect such a thing is just setting myself up for failure and disappointment. that's the tragic beauty in humanity: we don't understand one another. and in that knowledge, i am an utter fool if i am not exactly who my Husband lovingly shaped me into being. don't you understand? i'm not like those quiet, ladylike women that churches seem to be so extremely fond of. i am a lover and a fighter. i am a rebel with a cause. i am armed and dangerous. and that's just going to have to be okay with you, because my Beloved is quite jealous for it.
i've been asked why i find it necessary to compare myself to gomer when there obviously were many other women that have been in this place. and this is the only sufficient answer i can bring: i have prostituted my heart to undeserving men and have neglected to remember my first love and His faithfulness to me. and for that, i am truly sorrowful.
but my greatest sorrow in my discoveries here can only be marked with one word: forgetfulness. oh, how quickly i forget His faithfulness to me and long for my knight to come gallavanting through the bushes, sweep me off the sand and onto his horse, and once again ride into the sunset. but i'm starting to discover that even if it was time to start out on the trail, i'm not sure i'd want a ride anyway. mostly because i am fearful that i would forget again. i know it breaks His heart, and that's what breaks mine.
" 'she decked herself with her earrings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but Me she forgot,' says the Lord." [hosea 2:13]
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