playing disaster

ambivalence measure in fragmented broken utterances
extravagant things to be said with lackluster words
confusion professed in a purposeful manner
and nobody seems to know what i'm trying to say.

i'm just attempting to orchestrate
a sweetly distressed symphony
something that tickles, then bites the ears
only for the purpose of opening your eyes for a minute

i'm tapping my conductor's baton and now
here comes my brilliant orchestra with ready minds and open hands
are you listening? to the much fuller version of myself
with spilled accidentals and failures
and backstabbing sharps and disappointing flats

as i raise my hands to play disaster...
will someone please point out that i'm in the wrong key?

self-diagnosis

i don't quite know exactly what i'm trying to accomplish by sitting down and writing this piece that is pouring involuntarily out of my fingertips. and maybe i won't resolve it, since that seems to be the way to make an impact nowadays.

maybe i'm looking to my writing to expose something that i can't seem to uncover by internalizing my examinations. perhaps there's some kind of excavation i'm seeking to produce from this. who have i become? who are you? what should i do about the situation? what is the situation? and will i spend the rest of my time and my words on questions that i'll never answer?

so this is my diagnosis: i think entirely too much. but maybe i won't resolve it this time, since that seems to be the way to make an impact nowadays.

lucifer

oh, how beautiful you are! bejeweled, radiating the very music that penetrates the soul. no horns or tail to be found here - rubies, emeralds, sapphires, amethyst, garnets....but most of all...diamonds. transparent. shimmering - you truly are the most beautiful creature God created. especially when you shine. i mean, shone. it's been a while, hasn't it? i'm sure you remember...oh, i'm sorry, is that too agonizing for me to mention? but you were certainly...breathtaking. you knew how to play the strings of His heart - and i'm certain you could...well, can, and do, play mine so well that i'm spellbound. maybe that's why you get me. i mean, you know exactly how to slow me down (sometimes completely stop me). we both use music to reach Him. to reach anyone. ah! bejeweled, but with no light to radiate in. transparent, shimmering, but altogether devoid of purpose. without the one who made you...all you are is worthless. you can't bring me down to your level - and it kills you, doesn't it? oh, lucifer. you know nothing of who i am. the difference between you and i, is that i'm His and that's not going to change. enjoy your darkness.

surprise!

i'm not a very informative writer most of the time. it's mostly likely because i find that i reveal more of myself in an instance where i just sit down and tell you what's going on in my life than when i hide it behind pretty words and line breaks. but i must say, when i found out my parents were in dallas and that i was going to see them for the first time in 5 weeks, i was quite determined to make it an epic experience.

and epic it was. they held me while i worshipped. they loved on me until i couldn't breathe anymore! they told me how wonderful i was and gave me their full attention. they bought me coffee and stroked my hair. and when it was all said and done, they just did what parents do.

after all of this stress and worry and anxiety, the moments where i wanted to curl up in my mother's arms and cry because i felt like my life was one big mess and that martha was winning and i'd never be mary again, the moments where i doubt the work He has done in my life, the moments i feel like giving up...God sent me a miracle in my parents' visit. He knows just what to do to make my days smoother. and they say i need a man. ha! no man could measure up to my Husband. he'll have to be pretty breathtaking to even distract me temporarily.

parents always know just what to do. :)

i am martha

if you only knew, Lord.

i've had lots on my mind. it's not like i'm a sitting duck anymore. rehearsalworkschoolstudyingmusicworshipwritingreadingprayingfastingtalkingsharingsleepingfighting.
running here, jogging there, pacing the floor making sure i got everything done because if i didn't someone is going to notice and my completely perfectly micromanaged world that looks good all on the outside will come crashing in. i am martha.

oh, Lord, how i long for the days when i had time. how i wish it was like the days of mary, when i would sit at your feet and listen to your confessions of love sung and spoken over me. when i knew life couldn't be any better.

but then life got the better of me.
now i'm wishing that i wasn't upset and worried about many things
for only one thing is needed, and mary has chosen what is better.
if you only knew, Lord.