love/strife

i am finding that love is often born in the midst of strife. when the flood comes in, there are two choices: there is the decision to evaluate the cost of it all and decide that you know what? you were never really willing to pay the price in the first place. which is fine, you're mostly grateful that you made that decision before you had to sit through the storm, you're grateful that it wasn't love in this case. and there is the decision to sit down and look behind you; to see all the memories, the good and the bad, and to realize that this person has genuinely just made your life better. the way they talk, the way they live, the adventure they bring, it's just all making your life happier than you ever were before. and this storm that is knocking on the door might bring complications, and you might even have to lock your door and lock them out, but you only do it because you know it's for the best. and that is when you know love has been born. 

and this is where i find myself. the storm has come upon me, and rapidly. i have already chosen what i am going to do. you've never been bad for me. not until now. you're like a natural sedative. when i see your rejection, it gives me no purpose to be awake and enjoying the world, for the world is significantly less enjoyable without you. i am adventure-less. you think that i'm locking you out because i want the storm to whisk you away forever. but really i'm locking the door because i've left it open for so long that the storm has already brought damage and now i'm just trying to salvage the remnants. and if you'll be waiting once it's passed, you can come in and we can live happily ever after. 

oh, how i despise the strife that brings love.

the point of no return

there's a fable that claims that christianity

is a pretty paved road that only has one lane

or an unblazed trail in an unabashed wilderness, 

i'm not sure. 

i've heard the story that christianity 

is like running on a track, 

running in circles but with a purpose, 

but i'm not sure. 

in fact, i'm altogether convinced

that christianity, that my faith

looks a little more like...

free running

benches, fences, plain obstacles

just trying to make it past the roadblocks

and then comes the part we never saw

it's the point of no return. 

as i stand on the ledge of a very bold cliff

wondering what this means for my future 

and i realize that this is the point that i must either

take the jump or turn around and go home. 

and i find myself falling

falling

fall

ing

fa

ll

in

g

when i hit the ground running

i discover that i've never truly lived until this moment. 

this is our problem. 

this is our dilemma. 

we stand on the edge of our personal cliff

complaining about how worship just doesn't "take me there"

or how the sermon "just isn't for me"

or how we just "don't feel God anymore"

but the problem is...

we will never know what it's like to be a real christian

if we never take the plunge into christianity. 

i've never been so proud of a fall in my life.

[untitled]

does Your perfect love cast out every fear, 

or am i still dominated in the day to day by the very things

i claim to have abandoned (no pun intended) long ago? 

there is a longing deep in my heart

placed in the very core of my being, and not by me...

to be fearless and live my life in such a way. 

but does Your perfect love cast out every fear?

it's been another long day 

and i am tempted to just throw in the towel

deadlines, demands, devotion, drama 

all pressing in my face

and yet somehow, all that matters is that You are holy. 

original

my fragments are forced to the surface

i am choosing to make known the torrent of emotions churning on my insides

even though i wish to deny 

that i'm denying myself and have been all this time. 

where is the moment when i just finally understand? 

i am looking around and find nothing substantial

nothing that seems to make all this make sense. 

i want to change

but changing myself is the one thing i shouldn't change.

You're blocking my creative flow

the way i would describe You would be blank 

for there are no words in my heart or overeducated mind

to describe the passion that motivates me to take another breath

i am inspired in my lack of inspiration

because You live and move in and through me

i can feel Your redeeming blood pumping through my veins

and even though my nomadic nature desires a change, 

the only change i want to make 

is to be more like the Original.