hagar

there's a south wind blowing, and the breeze bites at my flesh as i wrap my shawl tighter around my fragile, chilling body. i am turning around in circles, hoping to take another look in some direction and find some kind of distinguishing factor that will point me in the right direction. alas, nothing. 

this is not unfamiliar to me in my few meager years of life. i have been here before, and will not be surprised if i find myself here again. each time i end up in the middle of this tundra, wrapped in solitude and crazy thoughts, i am surprised that i have once again been dropped here. there is something to be said of a woman who tried different things and got the same result. 

the wind blows again, and i'm altogether sure that it's more than the breeze that is biting. perhaps it's the foul words that were uttered to return me to this place. i have once again been abandoned and am realizing second by second, sitting on this boulder, that i have not learned from my mistakes. 

i am fragile and thick headed. i am arrogant in my own rights and insecure in all my own efforts. i am strong and sensitive. i am a rebel with a cause. i am afraid of standing out even though i despise normality. and it confuses people. so, just like when an owner is tired of its puppy, i get left here with a bit of food and water, hoping someone else will pick me up and take me home. hey, better luck next time, right? 

but it's been wrong thus far. 

so i stand up with my black shawl like saran wrap pressed against my skin, and steam escapes from between my lips as i shout: "WHY? after all of this, the lessons learned, everything i've been through, why would you let another one abandon me like this? why would you leave me out here to fend for myself?"

and the silent answer echoes back from the startling blue skies: "cause i can't have you any other way." 

chills run like roaches down my spine, this infectious disease called humanity has once again been made apparent by the gentlest voice that this world has ever known. and it's in this moment i understand everything that's happened to me my whole life: 

i was not abandoned pointlessly. 

i was abandoned to my Creator, my Beloved. 

He wants all of me. 

and i must give Him all of me completely.

i wrap myself in the warmth of this new discovery, and start walking. who cares what direction? for i know my Beloved will always guide me Home.

more than enough

i find i am so desperate to be heard that i don't listen

and so desperate to be seen that i don't seek

i look for love instead of letting love look for me

.backwards all is it (?)

what can satisfy this confusion and longing 

this desire to be known? 

only that God that knows me and has shaped me 

with the very palm of His hand, 

the same hand that contains my destiny?

how can i see this beauty and claim it's not enough?

what a selfish, frail being i am

and what a demanding child i've become. 

Lord, i promise, someday i'll get it. 

and someday Your love will be more than 

"more than enough"

beautiful

i'm having one of those moments. 

the kind where you see something you used to long for so bad you weren't sure you could live without it. and then you were forced to live without it...but now you're glad you let it go because you would have never found the best thing that happened to you? 

i tripped in the waves and scraped my knee today. 

i don't know why i said that, but it reminded me of falling in love you: painful, but so worth the evidence. 

i'm so in love with you and you don't even know it. :) 

choices.

today, i talked to an admissions counselor at the college i've always planned to go to. he was extremely friendly and had a great smile. every question i asked was met with a very professional yet opinionated answer, and he knew just what to say to make me more and more impressed with a school that already impressed me. he gave me shortcuts and options that made everything seem that much easier. and 30 minutes later, as i walked away, i left with a sense of resolution. 

a couple days ago, i was trying to sleep to avoid the impending nausea that i knew was coming due to the minor turbulence our plane was going to face in the stages of landing. i had knocked out easily with a specific dream of him and i, sitting on the couch in our newly furnished home, eating snap peas and watching moulin rouge. it was quite a beautiful scenario. and 2 minutes into it, as my head popped off my pillow, i found a sense of resolution. 

two random happenings that have one major connection. 

my life is finally falling into place. 

i'm going to be a christian counselor. i'm going to transfer to SAGU and get a bachelor's in professional development (specializing in christian counseling) and then i'm going to get my master's in counseling psychology; which, by the time i graduate, will have me prepared for the LPC (licensed professional counselor) test. and i'm going to help people with it. my bachelor's in professional development will help me land a good job while i finish school so i can help lots of sexually abused women who are almost always left to an un-licensed person who has been through the crucible of abuse, or a professional who is too far removed from the subject matter to really understand. i want to be a light that has both aspects; experience and a degree. 

and i think he's it. that's all i'm going to say on that matter, considering i'm too scared to commit to an ice cream flavor i ordered 5 minutes before. 

i think i finally understand what i was made to do. 

pot of gold

where the sun sets and beyond the cloudy horizon

lies a place where only the brave dare to trod

and their shoes are tattering and their jeans are torn

but if you asked any wayward traveller, they'd tell you it was worth

selling all the gold in the world to find this one precious jewel

as dreams fade into the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

smiling with the end of the road in sight

beautiful in the meadow, frightening in the stark night

this place is only to be found by the ones willing to find

and only to be discovered by the ones willing to search

if you found it you would never go back

never give up

never long for the past 

for finding love is one of the greatest adventures known to man.