i am finding that the more and more i learn,
...the less and less i have to say.
mockingbird
maya angelou put it best when she titled her art.
"i know why the caged bird sings," she said.
"i know why the caged bird sings," she said.
pleading insanity
i don't need advertisements around every corner telling me how much i lack. i do that enough for myself and the rest of us for that matter, thank you. i don't need supergirl parading her superhuman abilities around in front of me when i'm trying so hard to just be a steady, stable woman. i'm strange, that is a fact established. i'm different, not like it's that hard to be in a world like ours. i'm special. i stand out. i thought that was supposed to be a good thing? and yet here i sit, feeling like a freak show without a cause, a performing monkey without an audience. where are those who i call friends? the ones i love have become wrapped up in a life lived for the right reasons and i'm just stuck at home without them. i'm disappointed in the life i thought i was gonna have compared to the cold hard facts. i don't like always being the wrong one, the one that fails, the one that falls short. i can't stand being the insignificant one, that's just a part i feel i have to play. maybe someday i'll stop running in circles, i'll realize that i don't have a tail so why am i chasing it? when it all comes crashing down, i'm learning to be content, but what about when i feel like i don't measure up to what you said i am? or how about when you never say what i am and so i don't know what's going on in your head, so i guess, and my guesses are never good guesses. you should tell me what you're thinking because what i'm thinking that you're thinking aren't positive thoughts. and so we can see why i feel like i'm going insane. i sure hope that's the problem, because otherwise, this crazy, out of control woman is just plainly WHO I AM and that makes me just like every other woman that came before me. i'll have made no ripple in the water, no change in this world, and that's worse than never existing at all.
sufficiency
what one thing could i say that would make you change your mind about GOD?
i'm full of questions now and then. this one seems to nag at my insides. could it be as simple as jesus loves you? or God wants you to know he's there for you? maybe it would be something personal. like, God didn't leave when your father did. or, He's here in the midst of your grief, and He wants to hold you tight. perhaps it's just a scripture that would show you that you're not on the right track. all i know is that for me, all it took was this: you don't have to do it on your own.
i'm full of questions now and then. this one seems to nag at my insides. could it be as simple as jesus loves you? or God wants you to know he's there for you? maybe it would be something personal. like, God didn't leave when your father did. or, He's here in the midst of your grief, and He wants to hold you tight. perhaps it's just a scripture that would show you that you're not on the right track. all i know is that for me, all it took was this: you don't have to do it on your own.
lemonade
what would it look like if i was never afraid again?
i'd notice there was a sky, the trees would grow colors, there would be no hopelessness. she wouldn't be prettier and funnier and more talented than me. no, there would only be God's love pouring down on me and i would be opting to walk without an umbrella, thank you. i'd play my music louder and i wouldn't mind it a bit. maybe i'd even go cliff diving. heck, i'd go sky diving. would you even recognize me? i wouldn't hold back and i'd stop trying so hard. you would be fascinated by my ability to find security in our relationship, and i would laugh in the face of danger. i would love you. helplessly. endlessly. deeply. forever. and it would be so beautiful. to know that my love is stronger than any fear, to be completely sure that who you are is who i want for the rest of my life. i'd dive head first into everything about life and i wouldn't regret a thing. i could sleep through the night. i would ride a million rollercoasters and laugh the whole way. i wouldn't regret telling you that i think i'm gonna be in love with you. i wouldn't regret thinking that i want you to be my forever friend. it would look like the life i've always thirsted for.
i'd notice there was a sky, the trees would grow colors, there would be no hopelessness. she wouldn't be prettier and funnier and more talented than me. no, there would only be God's love pouring down on me and i would be opting to walk without an umbrella, thank you. i'd play my music louder and i wouldn't mind it a bit. maybe i'd even go cliff diving. heck, i'd go sky diving. would you even recognize me? i wouldn't hold back and i'd stop trying so hard. you would be fascinated by my ability to find security in our relationship, and i would laugh in the face of danger. i would love you. helplessly. endlessly. deeply. forever. and it would be so beautiful. to know that my love is stronger than any fear, to be completely sure that who you are is who i want for the rest of my life. i'd dive head first into everything about life and i wouldn't regret a thing. i could sleep through the night. i would ride a million rollercoasters and laugh the whole way. i wouldn't regret telling you that i think i'm gonna be in love with you. i wouldn't regret thinking that i want you to be my forever friend. it would look like the life i've always thirsted for.
perspective
"i believe in the sun when it isn't shining, i believe in love even when it is felt not, and i believe in God even when He is silent." [unknown, found carved on a wall at a concentration camp]
causes one to think, doesn't it?
causes one to think, doesn't it?
lovesick = chalah
"He brought me to the banqueting table, and His banner over me was love. Sustain me with cakes of raisins, Refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick." [songofsongs 2:4-5]
lovesick, directly translated in the hebrew, is chalah, which means "weak with passion". this woman is so entirely dependent on her lover that when his presence is removed from her, she feels utterly powerless. have you ever been so in love that you can't eat or sleep? THAT is this woman. she feels like she can't make it without his nearness. in the whole context of the book, she says often that she is faint with love, that her heart yearns for him. she wants nothing more than to be with him every single second of every single day. to feel his touch, to hear his confessions of love whispered in her ear and for her to know that in his arms, she has made her home. why can't i do the same? so many times, when i am caught in a rough patch, self sufficiency becomes my lover; my first instinct is to handle things myself. i always want control of the situation so it will get done perfectly. but what i forget so easily, with my foolish and silly human ways, is that only my God can make a situation work out perfectly. a need to be in control is really a deficiency of trust. i will be the first to admit that this is my hardship in my walk with God. i don't trust that when things seem to be falling apart, that He will take me in His arms and carry me through effortlessly. so i labor and labor and didn't i just toil over that patch of land? and yet here it is, dead. because my human efforts from sunup to sundown just won't measure up. a life of being in control, a life of absolute and utter need for perfection will end up being a life wasted. all i should desire is to be more like Him, and even He relies on Himself. so who am i to say that i don't need Him? i'm a fool, that's what i am. i want to be weak with passion. i want to be completely wrecked for my self reliance, and all i want is to be lovesick. sounds like a strange request, but i'm honestly tired of being in control. i'm tired of figuring everything out. and it seems like He's in the business of taking care of me. He'd be much better at it anyway.
lovesick, directly translated in the hebrew, is chalah, which means "weak with passion". this woman is so entirely dependent on her lover that when his presence is removed from her, she feels utterly powerless. have you ever been so in love that you can't eat or sleep? THAT is this woman. she feels like she can't make it without his nearness. in the whole context of the book, she says often that she is faint with love, that her heart yearns for him. she wants nothing more than to be with him every single second of every single day. to feel his touch, to hear his confessions of love whispered in her ear and for her to know that in his arms, she has made her home. why can't i do the same? so many times, when i am caught in a rough patch, self sufficiency becomes my lover; my first instinct is to handle things myself. i always want control of the situation so it will get done perfectly. but what i forget so easily, with my foolish and silly human ways, is that only my God can make a situation work out perfectly. a need to be in control is really a deficiency of trust. i will be the first to admit that this is my hardship in my walk with God. i don't trust that when things seem to be falling apart, that He will take me in His arms and carry me through effortlessly. so i labor and labor and didn't i just toil over that patch of land? and yet here it is, dead. because my human efforts from sunup to sundown just won't measure up. a life of being in control, a life of absolute and utter need for perfection will end up being a life wasted. all i should desire is to be more like Him, and even He relies on Himself. so who am i to say that i don't need Him? i'm a fool, that's what i am. i want to be weak with passion. i want to be completely wrecked for my self reliance, and all i want is to be lovesick. sounds like a strange request, but i'm honestly tired of being in control. i'm tired of figuring everything out. and it seems like He's in the business of taking care of me. He'd be much better at it anyway.
kentucky and florida
"i saw the first signs of autumn in kentucky this morning. the leaves were browning, the sky was foggy, and the air was chilled. it was a beautiful morning and i was captivated by my surroundings. God has been so good to me on this trip, and all i can think about is how he loves us. oh, how he loves us! we don't need anything material, we don't need worldly things. God has given us beauty and friendship and open hearts. the kingdom is not that we learn or write the coolest songs, not how charismatic we sound, and not how many programs we can create. this is the kingdom: serving and loving. letting people into your life and pouring love into theirs. beauty is found in the moments where you hold the children that are starstruck by you, the moments where complete strangers come together and lift their praises to a God who adores them. i can't help but think i've stumbled upon a more beautiful discovery about what this life is supposed to be about." [kentucky]
"the ocean is the most beautiful thing i've seen in my entire life, but it's much more beautiful at night. the stars crash into the water that never seems to end. silhouettes dance and sparkle on the moonlit surface, early into the morning. the sound of laughter collides with the powerful waves and echoes into the dark expanse of sky. i used to be jealous of people who got to see this all their life. but i realized that to them, all they see is the ocean, the sand, and the sky. this is nothing more than common to them. yet, the portrait i just captured in my mind has made a lasting impact...i can see the waves in the streaks on the glass. i could swear there's still sand in my toes. i'm still dizzy from walking along the waves. i can hear the ocean ringing in my ears. it's calling me back, just to be there, just to exist." [florida]
"the ocean is the most beautiful thing i've seen in my entire life, but it's much more beautiful at night. the stars crash into the water that never seems to end. silhouettes dance and sparkle on the moonlit surface, early into the morning. the sound of laughter collides with the powerful waves and echoes into the dark expanse of sky. i used to be jealous of people who got to see this all their life. but i realized that to them, all they see is the ocean, the sand, and the sky. this is nothing more than common to them. yet, the portrait i just captured in my mind has made a lasting impact...i can see the waves in the streaks on the glass. i could swear there's still sand in my toes. i'm still dizzy from walking along the waves. i can hear the ocean ringing in my ears. it's calling me back, just to be there, just to exist." [florida]
guatemala and cinnamon vanilla creme
my eyelids have been heavy for a week now. they tell me it's because of my allergies, "them" being people who have no idea what they're talking about. i haven't been sleeping well, not enough REM sleep or whatever it's called. i'm dreaming strange dreams of people i have never dreamt of. i'm lying awake at night listening to sigur ros and thinking about things that i never knew i thought. i'm tossing and turning and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, a world i've never known or experienced fully. i'm studying for midterms in classes i don't understand. i can't turn my brain off. they tell me to take nyquil or tylenol pm or sleeping pills, "they" being those same people that don't understand my sensitivity to medicine. i'll be leaving for kentucky in the morning. i hope it's a good trip, i'll be connecting with old friends and making new ones, i'll be leading people i've never met into the throne room of God, and i'll be taking pictures and writing for the fifteen hours it takes to get there. i'll take lots of pictures and you guys can see how beautiful it is. "you guys" being the two people that read my blog. but it'll be good for me, to get out and start doing work outside of this campus, to be a part of something even bigger than CFNI and that's the american church. i pray that it goes well and that i come back with some kind of new perspective on at least one thing. that's my new prayer, God, change my perspective on at least one thing every once in a while, just so i know that You're still speaking to me. i'm bad at hearing His voice sometimes...
rain and ramblings
i awoke to the sound of pouring rain. it's been a while since we've had rain here in dallas. the last time i saw it was most likely during hurricane ike. the weather was the only thing that got me out of bed, which is so contrary to how most people react when it's storming. i stumbled to the kitchen, poured myself a bowl of strawberry chex, and then shuffled around the living room getting myself ready. i walked outside, and i opted for no umbrella. my hair curled before i even got out from underneath the complex. it was a beautiful morning, and my friend said it reminded him of seattle. he said i would fit perfectly there. i smiled. i'm a different person today than i was even half a year ago. everyone cracks jokes about me being indie. independent makes complete sense. i like the feeling of being exactly who i am. rain isn't the same thing it was a year ago. once upon a time, it was God's sign that He loved me. now, i don't need that security blanket. God loves me and i know it, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. rain or no rain. contentment stems from security. i laugh when i think about the changes i've made and how great this day was. mellow, full of adventure and fellowship, listening to feist and pondering the significance of change and wondering what tomorrow is going to hold. my life is something beautiful, that's for sure. i don't ever want to let go of the beauty i've found in being who i was made to be. it feels like everything else just...fits when i'm me. everything falls into place, makes more sense. i lie down on my pillow and start smiling at the thought of who i'll be a year from now. i fall asleep to the sound of the pouring rain.
panic attack
nothing is as bad as it seems right? i'm breathing shallow, but at least i'm still breathing...right? i'm shaking, but at least it's because i still have intensity...right? my skin is warm and i feel so sick to my stomach. no matter what anyone says, the lump in my throat won't go away. my eyes burn like there's hot tears on the brink, but nothing. every muscle in my body is tensed and all i can think is how much it will take to get me relaxed again. my scalp hurts from pulling on my hair as a reaction. the ground is spinning and my heart won't stop pounding (but at least it's not skipping beats anymore). there are words i wanna speak, but i can't form them with my mouth. just breathe. relax. stay calm. it wasn't an actual wreck, you survived, there wasn't even the slightest of impact. stop being a baby. my steps are slowing and my body is getting heavy. my eyelids start to fall, my sinuses feel like they're going to explode and my head feels like it's in a vice. i finally see you and everything seems to be okay. i can rest when you're around, love. you make me feel...safe. i'm glad i have you to take care of me. i wake up and laugh entirely too much at all the wrong jokes...and i come home and try to express just a fraction of what in the world happened to my world tonight.
waltzing lessons
there's this passage in song of songs where solomon is pounding on his lover's door, trying to get her to let him in to spend time with her and love on her. i read it about a week ago and had no clue why it was in the Bible. it's nothing special, it seems to be just a description about how some woman is too lazy to get out of her bed to see her lover.
"i slept but my heart was awake. listen! my lover is knocking: 'open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. my head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.' i have taken off my robe — must I put it on again? i have washed my feet — must I soil them again? my lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. i arose to open for my lover, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the lock.
i opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone. my heart sank at his departure. i looked for him but did not find him. i called him but he did not answer" (song of songs 5:2-6).
today it hit me like a freight train why this passage is in the bible. as christians, so many times, we love on God in church or in chapel (for us bible school kids) and then we go on about our normal routine. and God is calling out to spend time with us and love on us. He is begging us to be with him. and we slap him in the face by saying, "i've already taken off that mask, must i put it on again?" "i've already worn out that facade, must i pick it up again?" "i've already worshipped you once today, Lord, isn't that enough?" we beg God for His presence and then when He shows up we're too busy. He wants to break through the door, but He is a gentleman and won't force His love on us. i fear for our future if we don't take hold of the opportunities that we have. remember the story of mary and martha? martha was too busy to sit at Jesus' feet? and let's not forget that she was busy preparing for Jesus. and mary, despite what she thought about how martha would react, just sat at His feet, knowing that His time on this earth was short and that He could be taken at any point...so she rested in Him. and even Jesus said that mary chose what is better. i don't want to be too late, i don't want to be one of those who thinks they're a christian only to find on the day that Jesus comes back that i'm left, that i'll be looking for Him and won't find Him, that i'll call Him and He won't answer. if all we're here for as Christians is to find some really extravagant way to jump around or some cool jam session that makes us feel better about our seemingly meaningless lives, then we have failed miserably. this faith is so much more. it is VIOLENT love, it is ABSOLUTE truth, it is PEACE (and not a magic cure). this faith will rip away at your flesh and destroy all that is contrary to HOLINESS. it will follow you everywhere you are, day and night, and it won't relent. it will seek you out if you reject it. it will burn on your insides until you're positive you won't survive. and we obviously don't want THAT faith - we so dance around the issue, convincing with our beautiful waltz, but we're cheating the steps. jesus said the road was narrow and seldom traveled - because it's not easy. but if we want TRUE freedom, it's the ONLY way. it's the difference between worshipping God and living in His presence.
LORD JESUS, i ask right now that you would purify my heart. take away all my desires for the things contrary to Your kingdom. You said that we are blessed when we hunger and thirst after righteousness. i pray that i would be so desperate for Your righteousness (for mine is as filthy rags) that i would not neglect you for even one day. i'm not going to sit here and put up some schedule that you have to work in. i'm not going to take my robe off and then complain if i have to put it on again, because i don't want to miss an opportunity to love on you. because i DO love you. with all that i am. You are the one i love; the object of my affections and desires. You pour out of me like water and i want to dwell with You. i don't want to miss it because i'm too busy doing other things. set me free from the constraints of time. i pray that You would complete this work that has been started in me. teach me how to waltz without cheating the steps. i wanna dance it Your way. amen.
"i slept but my heart was awake. listen! my lover is knocking: 'open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. my head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.' i have taken off my robe — must I put it on again? i have washed my feet — must I soil them again? my lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. i arose to open for my lover, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the lock.
i opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone. my heart sank at his departure. i looked for him but did not find him. i called him but he did not answer" (song of songs 5:2-6).
today it hit me like a freight train why this passage is in the bible. as christians, so many times, we love on God in church or in chapel (for us bible school kids) and then we go on about our normal routine. and God is calling out to spend time with us and love on us. He is begging us to be with him. and we slap him in the face by saying, "i've already taken off that mask, must i put it on again?" "i've already worn out that facade, must i pick it up again?" "i've already worshipped you once today, Lord, isn't that enough?" we beg God for His presence and then when He shows up we're too busy. He wants to break through the door, but He is a gentleman and won't force His love on us. i fear for our future if we don't take hold of the opportunities that we have. remember the story of mary and martha? martha was too busy to sit at Jesus' feet? and let's not forget that she was busy preparing for Jesus. and mary, despite what she thought about how martha would react, just sat at His feet, knowing that His time on this earth was short and that He could be taken at any point...so she rested in Him. and even Jesus said that mary chose what is better. i don't want to be too late, i don't want to be one of those who thinks they're a christian only to find on the day that Jesus comes back that i'm left, that i'll be looking for Him and won't find Him, that i'll call Him and He won't answer. if all we're here for as Christians is to find some really extravagant way to jump around or some cool jam session that makes us feel better about our seemingly meaningless lives, then we have failed miserably. this faith is so much more. it is VIOLENT love, it is ABSOLUTE truth, it is PEACE (and not a magic cure). this faith will rip away at your flesh and destroy all that is contrary to HOLINESS. it will follow you everywhere you are, day and night, and it won't relent. it will seek you out if you reject it. it will burn on your insides until you're positive you won't survive. and we obviously don't want THAT faith - we so dance around the issue, convincing with our beautiful waltz, but we're cheating the steps. jesus said the road was narrow and seldom traveled - because it's not easy. but if we want TRUE freedom, it's the ONLY way. it's the difference between worshipping God and living in His presence.
LORD JESUS, i ask right now that you would purify my heart. take away all my desires for the things contrary to Your kingdom. You said that we are blessed when we hunger and thirst after righteousness. i pray that i would be so desperate for Your righteousness (for mine is as filthy rags) that i would not neglect you for even one day. i'm not going to sit here and put up some schedule that you have to work in. i'm not going to take my robe off and then complain if i have to put it on again, because i don't want to miss an opportunity to love on you. because i DO love you. with all that i am. You are the one i love; the object of my affections and desires. You pour out of me like water and i want to dwell with You. i don't want to miss it because i'm too busy doing other things. set me free from the constraints of time. i pray that You would complete this work that has been started in me. teach me how to waltz without cheating the steps. i wanna dance it Your way. amen.
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