if you only knew, Lord.
i've had lots on my mind. it's not like i'm a sitting duck anymore. rehearsalworkschoolstudyingmusicworshipwritingreadingprayingfastingtalkingsharingsleepingfighting.
running here, jogging there, pacing the floor making sure i got everything done because if i didn't someone is going to notice and my completely perfectly micromanaged world that looks good all on the outside will come crashing in. i am martha.
oh, Lord, how i long for the days when i had time. how i wish it was like the days of mary, when i would sit at your feet and listen to your confessions of love sung and spoken over me. when i knew life couldn't be any better.
but then life got the better of me.
now i'm wishing that i wasn't upset and worried about many things
for only one thing is needed, and mary has chosen what is better.
if you only knew, Lord.
musicmakers
the breath of my lips brushes the wind, (and)
breathe deep, for this could last forever
as the angels' wings (like wind chimes) flap from north to south
shimmering in an emerald glow
(and) what's before my eyes is near impossible, (but)
what's inside my heart is sheer reality
(oh!) how i wish you could hear it, too!
these music makers (plucking the very strings of my soul)
their eyes blink like tambourine hits
percussive heartbeats, melodious sighs (and)
as a chill fills the room, their icicle-breath like a rainstick
(would you?) sing over me, musicmakers
for i am mesmerized by the songs of angels
breathe deep, for this could last forever
as the angels' wings (like wind chimes) flap from north to south
shimmering in an emerald glow
(and) what's before my eyes is near impossible, (but)
what's inside my heart is sheer reality
(oh!) how i wish you could hear it, too!
these music makers (plucking the very strings of my soul)
their eyes blink like tambourine hits
percussive heartbeats, melodious sighs (and)
as a chill fills the room, their icicle-breath like a rainstick
(would you?) sing over me, musicmakers
for i am mesmerized by the songs of angels
to walk in their sandals
i desire to abide on the mountaintop
for i am like moses; and long for Your glory
and i wish i could reach to the heavens
for i am like jacob; and dream of that day
i crave the moment when i will sit at Your feet
for i am like mary; and find nothing more precious
and i hunger for the moment that You call me 'friend'
for i am like abraham and would give You all i love
i covet the days when You will go before me
for i am like david; broken, yet anointed
and i seek out the moments when i see Your eyes of fire
for i am like john; and declare You are sovereign
i want to know how it feels to be restored by Your touch
for i am like the sick woman; diseased, afflicted, and desperate
but i know that You're faithful and i'll love You forever
for i am like job and know You are God.
for i am like moses; and long for Your glory
and i wish i could reach to the heavens
for i am like jacob; and dream of that day
i crave the moment when i will sit at Your feet
for i am like mary; and find nothing more precious
and i hunger for the moment that You call me 'friend'
for i am like abraham and would give You all i love
i covet the days when You will go before me
for i am like david; broken, yet anointed
and i seek out the moments when i see Your eyes of fire
for i am like john; and declare You are sovereign
i want to know how it feels to be restored by Your touch
for i am like the sick woman; diseased, afflicted, and desperate
but i know that You're faithful and i'll love You forever
for i am like job and know You are God.
wanderings
i'm feeling like there's something important on my mind, but i'm not persistent enough to chase whatever it might be. maybe next time.
goodnight, moon.
goodnight, moon.
[untitled]
the blinking cursor on the page is threatening me, and i find that although i have everything in the world to say, i'm not sure if my thoughts can make it all the way to my fingertips tonight. all i know is that the questions swimming around in their heads are contagious and now i can't stop thinking about all of this. i feel utterly rejected yet again today. they poke and prod with their playful words and their playful nature and i'm so easily provoked to tears. i'm sure they don't want that. but it's days like these where i feel like i'm crazy and nobody gets me and that i'll be alone forever. i know, it sounds crazy, but it's so true for me as a college student. as i grow and change, will you stay? i was hoping they'd lease on a house and they didn't. and all my plans are falling through. i don't really know quite what i'm trying to say, all i know is that the tears that have been camping on the brink of my eyelids are going to come raining down any minute.
storytime
where are the bible stories for people like me?
i don't find one moment in the bible that includes "open mouth, insert foot" or "she ruined her love life with her sarcastic tongue and strong personality". i can't even seem to find "she was ever changing and it scared her friends away". maybe i'm crazy for thinking bible characters would have struggles like me, struggles to be accepted, struggles to be enough, struggles to contain their overflowing joy and laughter. i'm sure ruth and job and peter had plenty more worries than i. but i can't help but wonder what my story would look like if i was in the bible.
there was a girl, a very broken girl, near the village where jesus was staying. she was a beautiful girl with lots to offer: a beautiful voice, a giving and sacrificial heart, maturity...but she was also known for her loud mouth and clumsiness, her crazy stories, and her ability to run people away. one day, she'd finally had enough and she went to find jesus to ask him why God would make her such a reject. during the time she was travelling to the nearby village, she pondered in her heart why people couldn't love the complicated woman she was becoming. for she was only a child, and still learning. the more she thought, the more embittered she became, and when she entered the citadel, she was ready to tell him about it. but when she saw his face...the face of acceptance, sufficiency, unashamed joy and laughter...it all changed.
i wish someone in the bible felt like that so i could relate to them right now.
i don't find one moment in the bible that includes "open mouth, insert foot" or "she ruined her love life with her sarcastic tongue and strong personality". i can't even seem to find "she was ever changing and it scared her friends away". maybe i'm crazy for thinking bible characters would have struggles like me, struggles to be accepted, struggles to be enough, struggles to contain their overflowing joy and laughter. i'm sure ruth and job and peter had plenty more worries than i. but i can't help but wonder what my story would look like if i was in the bible.
there was a girl, a very broken girl, near the village where jesus was staying. she was a beautiful girl with lots to offer: a beautiful voice, a giving and sacrificial heart, maturity...but she was also known for her loud mouth and clumsiness, her crazy stories, and her ability to run people away. one day, she'd finally had enough and she went to find jesus to ask him why God would make her such a reject. during the time she was travelling to the nearby village, she pondered in her heart why people couldn't love the complicated woman she was becoming. for she was only a child, and still learning. the more she thought, the more embittered she became, and when she entered the citadel, she was ready to tell him about it. but when she saw his face...the face of acceptance, sufficiency, unashamed joy and laughter...it all changed.
i wish someone in the bible felt like that so i could relate to them right now.
romanced
i spent a little time with Him today. oh, how wonderful it is to hear His whispers of love so much clearer than i have in ages. i am truly in love with everything that He is. how could i see the love he poured out, chemically infused in every drop of blood He shed on the cross, how can i see that and be so calloused? i am a wretch saved by grace, and that is the only redemptive quality i have in my flesh and bones. how presumptuous of us to think that we come to God and we choose Him on our terms. no, God predestined my heart to be His. He knew the way my heart would beat (even if it is inconsistent at times), He knew the sickness and disease i would face, He knew the fears i would fight, He knew the tears i would cry. He knows my favorite color, He knows what music i like. He can finish my sentences, He laughs at my jokes...He knows how to paint the sunset to remind me He's here...and He knows just when to make it rain. you want romance? He's been pursuing my heart since the foundations of the world. why? because He wants to make me, shape me, into something that showcases His greatness. because in my nothingness, He is something. in my weakness, His strength is displayed. in my insecurities and insufficiencies, He is security and sufficiency. what a beautiful picture of a love story. and yet so often, i am found like a raving mad animal, hunting it down in bookstores and in coffee shops and in apartment complexes...man or woman, poor or rich, small or tall...i'm craving love. why can't i seem to remember that His love is staring me in the face and i'm just too dense to reach out and take it? i don't mean to so often put myself down. for i know that i am a beautiful portrait of the Father's love for His people. i know that i am beautiful on the outside AND the inside, i am confident that my spirit is that of a warrior and that because of it i will do great things, and i know that even though sometimes i may fail, i live a life close to the character that is mentioned in proverbs 31, and i am still striving. but it's in times like these, when i am looking back so i can look ahead, that i realize just how far i have to go. and right now, that challenge is going to be embracing His love even more.
into the wild
the sun isn't nearly as merciless today in this place of desolation.
it's been a while now, and i haven't yet tired of this wilderness experience. i've been restoring the ancient words of the women who have come before me, and i'm finding such sustenance and power in the things they spoke and wrote, and although it hasn't happened yet, hopefully i will write something like they did to leave it behind for the next woman that passes through. i'll shatter it on the ground as well, though. words are so meaningless when handed to you effortlessly, the work you do to understand it all makes them come to life.
i've realized quite a few things about myself in this place. i will not be understood fully by any human being, and to expect such a thing is just setting myself up for failure and disappointment. that's the tragic beauty in humanity: we don't understand one another. and in that knowledge, i am an utter fool if i am not exactly who my Husband lovingly shaped me into being. don't you understand? i'm not like those quiet, ladylike women that churches seem to be so extremely fond of. i am a lover and a fighter. i am a rebel with a cause. i am armed and dangerous. and that's just going to have to be okay with you, because my Beloved is quite jealous for it.
i've been asked why i find it necessary to compare myself to gomer when there obviously were many other women that have been in this place. and this is the only sufficient answer i can bring: i have prostituted my heart to undeserving men and have neglected to remember my first love and His faithfulness to me. and for that, i am truly sorrowful.
but my greatest sorrow in my discoveries here can only be marked with one word: forgetfulness. oh, how quickly i forget His faithfulness to me and long for my knight to come gallavanting through the bushes, sweep me off the sand and onto his horse, and once again ride into the sunset. but i'm starting to discover that even if it was time to start out on the trail, i'm not sure i'd want a ride anyway. mostly because i am fearful that i would forget again. i know it breaks His heart, and that's what breaks mine.
" 'she decked herself with her earrings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but Me she forgot,' says the Lord." [hosea 2:13]
it's been a while now, and i haven't yet tired of this wilderness experience. i've been restoring the ancient words of the women who have come before me, and i'm finding such sustenance and power in the things they spoke and wrote, and although it hasn't happened yet, hopefully i will write something like they did to leave it behind for the next woman that passes through. i'll shatter it on the ground as well, though. words are so meaningless when handed to you effortlessly, the work you do to understand it all makes them come to life.
i've realized quite a few things about myself in this place. i will not be understood fully by any human being, and to expect such a thing is just setting myself up for failure and disappointment. that's the tragic beauty in humanity: we don't understand one another. and in that knowledge, i am an utter fool if i am not exactly who my Husband lovingly shaped me into being. don't you understand? i'm not like those quiet, ladylike women that churches seem to be so extremely fond of. i am a lover and a fighter. i am a rebel with a cause. i am armed and dangerous. and that's just going to have to be okay with you, because my Beloved is quite jealous for it.
i've been asked why i find it necessary to compare myself to gomer when there obviously were many other women that have been in this place. and this is the only sufficient answer i can bring: i have prostituted my heart to undeserving men and have neglected to remember my first love and His faithfulness to me. and for that, i am truly sorrowful.
but my greatest sorrow in my discoveries here can only be marked with one word: forgetfulness. oh, how quickly i forget His faithfulness to me and long for my knight to come gallavanting through the bushes, sweep me off the sand and onto his horse, and once again ride into the sunset. but i'm starting to discover that even if it was time to start out on the trail, i'm not sure i'd want a ride anyway. mostly because i am fearful that i would forget again. i know it breaks His heart, and that's what breaks mine.
" 'she decked herself with her earrings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but Me she forgot,' says the Lord." [hosea 2:13]
dear mascara wearing man i met in the paseo tonight,
...i totally would have said something had i not been mesmerized by you. gosh, you're beautiful.
...i totally would have gone out with you had you not been wearing makeup. gosh, you're vain.
:)
...i totally would have gone out with you had you not been wearing makeup. gosh, you're vain.
:)
oh, i'm terribly sorry...was i in your way?
i'm sure that i'm not the first to argue that abandonment makes bigger ripples in the water than previously thought. abandonment doesn't just hurt the person leaving. it hurts those who are being left even worse. having been abandoned before birth shouldn't be such a big ordeal, and i've always wondered why it bothered me so much. one can understand when a couple chooses divorce and the child takes the blame, or when someone leaves, has an affair, and the kid thinks it's all their fault...and they carry that fault, that blame, that guilt, with them for the rest of their lives.
i am no different.
just because my father left before i was born doesn't mean that i was blind to the pain it caused my mother. i watched her cry more times than i'd like to recall. and it's amazing: such a selective memory at a young age, yet an extensive amount reminds me of the agony of his departure and the ripple effect it had on my family. the hatred, bitterness, confusion, and utter sadness. and it would make sense in my mind to blame none other but me. for if i hadn't been concieved, he would have stayed with her. she'd still be in springfield and they'd still be together. and my mother would always promise me that it's better that it never happened. so why did she cry? but before i beat the topic to death, i'm saying all this to say i'm afraid of being an inconvenience. it's a battle i've been fighting for about two years now, and it gets better everyday.
but when someone DARES to think of someone else as an inconvenience, i don't care if i make them angry or not, i will not allow ANYONE i love to know the same fear that i'm fighting. when it comes to the smallest things, i will fight tooth and nail to ensure that they don't even see the fight over their needs.
it's amazing how inconveniencing i'm willing to be when it's not about me.
i am no different.
just because my father left before i was born doesn't mean that i was blind to the pain it caused my mother. i watched her cry more times than i'd like to recall. and it's amazing: such a selective memory at a young age, yet an extensive amount reminds me of the agony of his departure and the ripple effect it had on my family. the hatred, bitterness, confusion, and utter sadness. and it would make sense in my mind to blame none other but me. for if i hadn't been concieved, he would have stayed with her. she'd still be in springfield and they'd still be together. and my mother would always promise me that it's better that it never happened. so why did she cry? but before i beat the topic to death, i'm saying all this to say i'm afraid of being an inconvenience. it's a battle i've been fighting for about two years now, and it gets better everyday.
but when someone DARES to think of someone else as an inconvenience, i don't care if i make them angry or not, i will not allow ANYONE i love to know the same fear that i'm fighting. when it comes to the smallest things, i will fight tooth and nail to ensure that they don't even see the fight over their needs.
it's amazing how inconveniencing i'm willing to be when it's not about me.
first thoughts of 2009
"not that i speak in regard to need, for i have learned in whatever state i am, to be content: i know how to be abased, and i know how to abound. everywhere and in all things i have learned to both be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. i can do all things through christ who strengthens me." [philippians 4:11-13]
this year has rung itself in with so many beautiful opportunities. i get to go to china this year, hopefully i'll be singing at cfni this year, i'll be graduating from the two year program this year...the list could go on. but there will be challenges, i'm sure. and i'm going to be content. sure, i have a few resolutions of my own, but will any of them amount to anything if i'm not content not only with who i am, but who He is for me? this year, i mostly resolve to be sold out to the One who paid for me with His life.
wow i don't like sparkling grape juice unless it's white. haha.
what better way to ring in the new year than with family, friends, and most importantly, my faith? this is going to be a good year, i can feel it. and not because of anything in its natural composition. i'm going to make it a good one!
God, You are so wonderful. thank you for another year to be alive, another year to abound gracefully, another year at CFNI (the best thing i could ever do), another year to share everything You are with everyone who doesn't know. thank you so much for entrusting me with the work of the Kingdom. i am certainly undeserving and i won't pretend like i am worth the risk. but thank You, Lord, for seeing who i will be and pushing me to get there.
2008 is gone, and so are my valleys.
welcome to 2009: the year of the unabashed wilderness.
this year has rung itself in with so many beautiful opportunities. i get to go to china this year, hopefully i'll be singing at cfni this year, i'll be graduating from the two year program this year...the list could go on. but there will be challenges, i'm sure. and i'm going to be content. sure, i have a few resolutions of my own, but will any of them amount to anything if i'm not content not only with who i am, but who He is for me? this year, i mostly resolve to be sold out to the One who paid for me with His life.
wow i don't like sparkling grape juice unless it's white. haha.
what better way to ring in the new year than with family, friends, and most importantly, my faith? this is going to be a good year, i can feel it. and not because of anything in its natural composition. i'm going to make it a good one!
God, You are so wonderful. thank you for another year to be alive, another year to abound gracefully, another year at CFNI (the best thing i could ever do), another year to share everything You are with everyone who doesn't know. thank you so much for entrusting me with the work of the Kingdom. i am certainly undeserving and i won't pretend like i am worth the risk. but thank You, Lord, for seeing who i will be and pushing me to get there.
2008 is gone, and so are my valleys.
welcome to 2009: the year of the unabashed wilderness.
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