in this state of mind, after the half awake afternoon
i find that my thoughts are more coherent than i am
and i know that my heart is ready to make a change
this wilderness is the safest place to become who i will be.
maybe i'll be funny, maybe i'll be smart,
maybe i'll choose to take my heart off of my sleeve
maybe i'll be stronger, i don't know what i'll become
but i know that i won't speak what's inside as quickly as i've done.
i feel like i have something to say,
but i think i might keep it to myself this time.
spoke too soon, did you?
and all the while, we were looking to the skies for a sign. but the truth was in your mouth. we held hands down the avenue, hoping to find something that would make us satisfied, without even realizing that the truth we sought was behind us. where do i go from here? you walked me this far and left me without a way to get home. but it's quite alright, my dear. i'll wait right here till someone comes...
[nobody's perfect]
i can't let myself be happy.
it's my biggest flaw as a human being. i won't allow myself to be happy. there has to be something that keeps it realistic, because altogether happiness just isn't possible. happiness will just disappoint. what a thwarted life. what a horrible way of thinking. why do i feel this way? what makes me think like this?
because everything i've ever lived has brought me joy and disappointment followed.
have i done this to myself? i can't have possibly brought on my abuser. i can't have possibly asked him (with my actions) to do what he did to me. but maybe, because of that, i started expecting pain...and that's why nobody stayed. i'm not saying it's all my fault, i'm saying that i think i started a self-fulfilling prophetic cycle. where i expect something to happen, and subconsciously find ways to make sure it happens, to justify my misery. but God is not some school bully waiting to punish me, and i'm the only one that can break this cycle. i lost a relationship because i knew it wouldn't last, and i put it into action. i pushed and pulled and fought and begged and pouted until i lost him. and now i wish i hadn't done anything that i did. i wish i would have allowed myself to be happy. because maybe then, he would have never left. maybe then, my relationship with God wouldn't be so up and down. maybe then, i'd learn to be content in who i am. maybe then, things would actually turn around.
so this is my resolve:
i'm going to expect the best,
and in turn,
i will get the best.
(hope it's as easy as it sounds)
winter wonderland
the stars aren't near as bright as they were
the night you told me you wanted me.
and the breeze doesn't tickle anymore, it bites.
winter is so apparently here and things are dying, like you and me.
my love for you is freezing out here
but the door is locked and i can't get in anymore.
so there's a decision to be made.
i'm on the outside looking in but you've pulled the shades.
do i stay or do i go?
do i stay right here until there's nothing left of me
and just hope that you'll peek through the blinds,
see me here, and come rushing to my aid?
or do i go, knowing that you might never come
looking for me and just try
to make my home feel like home again?
both have their benefits, but only one is guaranteed to have you.
so i turn my back on the door and start away from you.
this might be the most deliberating walk i've taken in an eternity.
(i'm sure georgia isn't as warm as they say it is anyway.)
gomer
the sun is beating down on my leather-tanned skin and the wind is kissing my tousled curls in this desolate place. my mouth is dry, and the tumbleweeds keep scratching at my ankles. there's nothing as far as the eye can see except for shards of ceramic, plastic from what used to be tents, and sand. lots and lots of sand. and tumbleweeds. i bend down to pick up a shard of ceramic only to find some sort of ancient inscription on it. and it's then that i realize the full weight of where i am. now if only i can remember how i got here...
it must have started like any other story, with a woman in desperate need of rescue from her tattered and humbly patched up rag of a life. the story probably would have found her sitting curled up somewhere, hoping that her life would be more than the meager existence that it has turned out to be. it would find her broken, seeking for adventure and desiring for love to wrap her around from the inside out. it would quickly reveal that she has found emptiness in her achievements and would rather be poor and happy than accomplished and lonely. not that she's not surrounded by doting friends and family, but it just...doesn't cut it for some reason in her heart. this story will find her lacking.
and then, he will parade into her life like a white knight riding up to save his princess. and she will be floored. she will shower him with thankfulness and words and kindness to repay only a fraction of the love she feels emanating from inside of him. he will help her up onto his horse, and they will ride into the sunset, accomplishing what looks like a happy ever after.
of course, no man can ride a horse forever. they will slow down and eventually stop to rest. she will be setting up camp, completely content in the lack of forward motion. for as long as she is with her knight in shining armor, nothing could go wrong. but she will notice that he is gone from the camp longer and longer every night and that she is left to her own sentiments and feeling the same amount of lonely as the day he found her. she will be made painfully aware that the lonliness she feels cannot and will not be cured by his words or his touch.
setting, point of view, conflict, plot....the story will continue.
she will realize that she must make this walk alone, although she will dearly miss her hero. she's not very good with directions but she is sure that if she follows the sun, she will find her way. she doesn't even say goodbye to her knight, she just starts walking, hoping that this night will find her in a better place than the agonies of contentment.
and it's then she will find it. sitting on the side of the beaten path where millions must have trod yet nobody had cared to find it. what girl doesn't love some good gold? her curiosity will get the best of her and when she reaches down to pick it up, it will jump a good hundred feet into the bush. without thinking twice, she will chase it. perhaps her thoughts are silly and frivolous, that of a girl. perhaps she is thinking, "if i can just get that piece of gold, i will be instantly more beautiful." or perhaps, the only thing running through her mind is "if i can find where this gold came from, i can find the source, something even greater than the gold..."
the gold will keep skipping up in front of her, so quickly that her quick paced walk will turn into a jog, a run, and eventually a sprint. and she won't notice that the path is quickly disappearing from underneath her feet, that the bushes are housing less and less leaves, that the trees are shrinking, that everything around her is losing its green lush color and turning to brown. she won't even notice that her knight hasn't come looking for her. it won't cross her mind.
the plot thickens...the climax is here...and the story will continue.
the knight will leave her there in the comforts of a beautiful camp in the middle of a forest, hoping that a more capable knight will come along who is better suited to rescue her in his mind. she will continue chasing this small piece of something that represents something more for her. and she won't stop for days, weeks...maybe even months.
and then the gold will stop right in front of her.
she will snatch it.
only to find that sand is slipping through her hands and not soil.
and this is where the story must have found me. panicked and wondering how in the world i found myself in this place. but as i lean down to pick up this ceramic shard that's half buried by the sand (you must remember that this is where our story began)...i find a hebraic inscription saying "i am my Beloved's and His desire is towards me." there must have been women from ages and centuries and lifetimes ago that were found in this same place. which is encouraging, seeing as how i haven't found any bones yet.
He comes and takes the gold piece from my hand so quickly that my shock doesn't even realize it. and He is there, standing before me and asking me to take a walk with Him. He tells me how He loves me so, and that He's been trying for years to tell me, but my stubborn heart wouldn't listen. He tells me that it's time for me to have some time with Him to hear His confessions of love whispered gently in my ear. He tells me that He is the one that lured me here, because there was no other way i might listen. i fall to my knees in repentance, and cry out over and over again, "i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry..."
to which He replies, "I remember you, child. I remember the days I held you on my knee and you would laugh that laugh that comes from within you, the laugh that had nothing to remember but joy. I remember the days I held you as you sobbed and cried and tried to forget the damage that had been done. I let the tears come just like you did when you blamed me for the everything. I have always loved you, and it is time. it is time to stop calling Me 'Master' and start calling me 'Husband.'"
and as i walk with him, the sand starts sprouting ivy, and the grapes appear instantaneously. life comes to this supposed desert land, and my heart leaps from within me. i look into His eyes and begin to laugh. from inside of me, a song starts spilling over my lips and i sing. i sing the song that i've held inside for my entire life. i am no longer afraid to hear my confessions of love. i sing and laugh and dance and sing some more.
i have found myself in the wilderness, and He brought me here.
and i find myself no longer hoping to be rescued,
but i know i must walk away from this place someday.
i will cherish this time i have with Him, the One who will never stop loving me.
“therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. I will give her her vineyards from there, and the Valley of Achor as a door of hope; she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. and it shall be, in that day,” says the LORD, "that you will call Me ‘My Husband," and no longer call Me ‘My Master.'" [hosea 2:14-16]
it must have started like any other story, with a woman in desperate need of rescue from her tattered and humbly patched up rag of a life. the story probably would have found her sitting curled up somewhere, hoping that her life would be more than the meager existence that it has turned out to be. it would find her broken, seeking for adventure and desiring for love to wrap her around from the inside out. it would quickly reveal that she has found emptiness in her achievements and would rather be poor and happy than accomplished and lonely. not that she's not surrounded by doting friends and family, but it just...doesn't cut it for some reason in her heart. this story will find her lacking.
and then, he will parade into her life like a white knight riding up to save his princess. and she will be floored. she will shower him with thankfulness and words and kindness to repay only a fraction of the love she feels emanating from inside of him. he will help her up onto his horse, and they will ride into the sunset, accomplishing what looks like a happy ever after.
of course, no man can ride a horse forever. they will slow down and eventually stop to rest. she will be setting up camp, completely content in the lack of forward motion. for as long as she is with her knight in shining armor, nothing could go wrong. but she will notice that he is gone from the camp longer and longer every night and that she is left to her own sentiments and feeling the same amount of lonely as the day he found her. she will be made painfully aware that the lonliness she feels cannot and will not be cured by his words or his touch.
setting, point of view, conflict, plot....the story will continue.
she will realize that she must make this walk alone, although she will dearly miss her hero. she's not very good with directions but she is sure that if she follows the sun, she will find her way. she doesn't even say goodbye to her knight, she just starts walking, hoping that this night will find her in a better place than the agonies of contentment.
and it's then she will find it. sitting on the side of the beaten path where millions must have trod yet nobody had cared to find it. what girl doesn't love some good gold? her curiosity will get the best of her and when she reaches down to pick it up, it will jump a good hundred feet into the bush. without thinking twice, she will chase it. perhaps her thoughts are silly and frivolous, that of a girl. perhaps she is thinking, "if i can just get that piece of gold, i will be instantly more beautiful." or perhaps, the only thing running through her mind is "if i can find where this gold came from, i can find the source, something even greater than the gold..."
the gold will keep skipping up in front of her, so quickly that her quick paced walk will turn into a jog, a run, and eventually a sprint. and she won't notice that the path is quickly disappearing from underneath her feet, that the bushes are housing less and less leaves, that the trees are shrinking, that everything around her is losing its green lush color and turning to brown. she won't even notice that her knight hasn't come looking for her. it won't cross her mind.
the plot thickens...the climax is here...and the story will continue.
the knight will leave her there in the comforts of a beautiful camp in the middle of a forest, hoping that a more capable knight will come along who is better suited to rescue her in his mind. she will continue chasing this small piece of something that represents something more for her. and she won't stop for days, weeks...maybe even months.
and then the gold will stop right in front of her.
she will snatch it.
only to find that sand is slipping through her hands and not soil.
and this is where the story must have found me. panicked and wondering how in the world i found myself in this place. but as i lean down to pick up this ceramic shard that's half buried by the sand (you must remember that this is where our story began)...i find a hebraic inscription saying "i am my Beloved's and His desire is towards me." there must have been women from ages and centuries and lifetimes ago that were found in this same place. which is encouraging, seeing as how i haven't found any bones yet.
He comes and takes the gold piece from my hand so quickly that my shock doesn't even realize it. and He is there, standing before me and asking me to take a walk with Him. He tells me how He loves me so, and that He's been trying for years to tell me, but my stubborn heart wouldn't listen. He tells me that it's time for me to have some time with Him to hear His confessions of love whispered gently in my ear. He tells me that He is the one that lured me here, because there was no other way i might listen. i fall to my knees in repentance, and cry out over and over again, "i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry, i'm so sorry..."
to which He replies, "I remember you, child. I remember the days I held you on my knee and you would laugh that laugh that comes from within you, the laugh that had nothing to remember but joy. I remember the days I held you as you sobbed and cried and tried to forget the damage that had been done. I let the tears come just like you did when you blamed me for the everything. I have always loved you, and it is time. it is time to stop calling Me 'Master' and start calling me 'Husband.'"
and as i walk with him, the sand starts sprouting ivy, and the grapes appear instantaneously. life comes to this supposed desert land, and my heart leaps from within me. i look into His eyes and begin to laugh. from inside of me, a song starts spilling over my lips and i sing. i sing the song that i've held inside for my entire life. i am no longer afraid to hear my confessions of love. i sing and laugh and dance and sing some more.
i have found myself in the wilderness, and He brought me here.
and i find myself no longer hoping to be rescued,
but i know i must walk away from this place someday.
i will cherish this time i have with Him, the One who will never stop loving me.
“therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. I will give her her vineyards from there, and the Valley of Achor as a door of hope; she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. and it shall be, in that day,” says the LORD, "that you will call Me ‘My Husband," and no longer call Me ‘My Master.'" [hosea 2:14-16]
seven days' truth
but my darling, when did your arms grow so cold?
why didn't you tell me that love wasn't to be found?
what did you find in me that compelled you to run?
who are you anymore? i don't know who this man is who stands before me.
i get lost in the music, you get lost in the crowd
and i know you must wonder if i miss you even in the slightest.
i've been really good at putting on a smile,
but then again, you've always been able to see right through it.
you probably know how much it hurts me to be without you.
my heart is beating, but i'm all disconnected
my lungs are pumping and you still take my breath away
i can still feel you teasing my hair between your fingers, if even for a second
my body is moving, but my soul is limping and my heart is breaking
your presence lingers and trails me everywhere i go
i answer their questions blankly, feeling nothing yet knowing
the emptiness i feel is just me realizing the spot you occupied
nobody understands how much it hurts
how badly i want you back, and the worst part?
knowing that i can't change your mind.
i just have to live with the fact that you are gone
and we might never be ever again.
i hope you never see this
because i never want you to know how much i loved you.
why didn't you tell me that love wasn't to be found?
what did you find in me that compelled you to run?
who are you anymore? i don't know who this man is who stands before me.
i get lost in the music, you get lost in the crowd
and i know you must wonder if i miss you even in the slightest.
i've been really good at putting on a smile,
but then again, you've always been able to see right through it.
you probably know how much it hurts me to be without you.
my heart is beating, but i'm all disconnected
my lungs are pumping and you still take my breath away
i can still feel you teasing my hair between your fingers, if even for a second
my body is moving, but my soul is limping and my heart is breaking
your presence lingers and trails me everywhere i go
i answer their questions blankly, feeling nothing yet knowing
the emptiness i feel is just me realizing the spot you occupied
nobody understands how much it hurts
how badly i want you back, and the worst part?
knowing that i can't change your mind.
i just have to live with the fact that you are gone
and we might never be ever again.
i hope you never see this
because i never want you to know how much i loved you.
museum
worthiness and beauty are very important when considering a piece of art.
worthy, worthy, worthy. is it worth something? will it contribute to my apartment in a greater way or will it not make even the slightest ripple in the way things are done? i'd like to think that i could buy a painting and when i look at it, i am inspired to create, to live, to become a better me. i'd like to think that the work of art i invest in will actually impact me in a way i won't soon forget.
beauty. even if it's worth the money, who would want an ugly painting? but that's quite self-explanatory, don't you think? i mean, nobody gets inspired by something they can hardly look at. and beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. my trash/get-this-piece-of-wannabe-art-away-from-me is another man's treasured and cherished beautiful prize. so really, the beauty of it is quite subjective.
anyhow, the trick is in the appraiser's hands. they get to tell me how much the piece of art is worth. they can lie to me and tell me that it's worth nothing, or they can give it more value than it's actually worth because of the potential they see in it. sometimes, a piece of art doesn't really become beautiful until longer down the road, and that's why it's a good investment sometimes to just go ahead and set your heart to save up for the painting while it's not as costly. you just hope that it doesn't take all you have for absolutely no return. that appraiser can use his thorough knowledge of the work to tell me exactly what it's worth.
i guess i should just get to the question.
who is appraising my life?
it's most absolutely my choice. i'm the one who decides who i allow to give me my worth. am i going to give it to him, the one who broke my heart, or Him, the One who mends it and makes me whole once again? i have to decide who i will love more fiercely and whose voice i will allow to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. the applause of man is unreliable, but there is One whose love for me is thoroughly consistent. i'd much rather be given too much worth than not enough. say you didn't love me, but He did and that's what i'll hold tight to for the rest of my life.
...my brain is thriving on analogies.
worthy, worthy, worthy. is it worth something? will it contribute to my apartment in a greater way or will it not make even the slightest ripple in the way things are done? i'd like to think that i could buy a painting and when i look at it, i am inspired to create, to live, to become a better me. i'd like to think that the work of art i invest in will actually impact me in a way i won't soon forget.
beauty. even if it's worth the money, who would want an ugly painting? but that's quite self-explanatory, don't you think? i mean, nobody gets inspired by something they can hardly look at. and beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. my trash/get-this-piece-of-wannabe-art-away-from-me is another man's treasured and cherished beautiful prize. so really, the beauty of it is quite subjective.
anyhow, the trick is in the appraiser's hands. they get to tell me how much the piece of art is worth. they can lie to me and tell me that it's worth nothing, or they can give it more value than it's actually worth because of the potential they see in it. sometimes, a piece of art doesn't really become beautiful until longer down the road, and that's why it's a good investment sometimes to just go ahead and set your heart to save up for the painting while it's not as costly. you just hope that it doesn't take all you have for absolutely no return. that appraiser can use his thorough knowledge of the work to tell me exactly what it's worth.
i guess i should just get to the question.
who is appraising my life?
it's most absolutely my choice. i'm the one who decides who i allow to give me my worth. am i going to give it to him, the one who broke my heart, or Him, the One who mends it and makes me whole once again? i have to decide who i will love more fiercely and whose voice i will allow to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. the applause of man is unreliable, but there is One whose love for me is thoroughly consistent. i'd much rather be given too much worth than not enough. say you didn't love me, but He did and that's what i'll hold tight to for the rest of my life.
...my brain is thriving on analogies.
nameless
no more games
it's only me, left alone with my fears
every certainty
has been stripped from me, and i'm losing ground
and yet it's in my weakness that You find me
and You sing a new song over me: (You say)
"I Am that I am
and My eyes will guide you;
I Am that I am
and your heart is safe in Mine"
one look inside,
i understand it's been me that's changing
the wind blows by
i'm wondering why i can't find peace of mind
and here it's in my sorrow that You find me
and You sing a new song over me: (You say)
"I Am that I am
and My eyes will guide you;
I Am that I am
and your heart is safe in Mine"
so i find myself in a sea of questions
and i'm lost inside the lies
and i hear you speaking to me
and i know You hear my cries.
yet it's here in my surrender that you find me
and you sing a new song over me: (You declare)
"I Am that I am
and My eyes will guide you;
I Am that I am
and your heart is safe in Mine"
it's only me, left alone with my fears
every certainty
has been stripped from me, and i'm losing ground
and yet it's in my weakness that You find me
and You sing a new song over me: (You say)
"I Am that I am
and My eyes will guide you;
I Am that I am
and your heart is safe in Mine"
one look inside,
i understand it's been me that's changing
the wind blows by
i'm wondering why i can't find peace of mind
and here it's in my sorrow that You find me
and You sing a new song over me: (You say)
"I Am that I am
and My eyes will guide you;
I Am that I am
and your heart is safe in Mine"
so i find myself in a sea of questions
and i'm lost inside the lies
and i hear you speaking to me
and i know You hear my cries.
yet it's here in my surrender that you find me
and you sing a new song over me: (You declare)
"I Am that I am
and My eyes will guide you;
I Am that I am
and your heart is safe in Mine"
i'm fine. really, i am.
sometimes, life throws you a curveball that knocks you square in the face and lands you on your backside in front of a crowd. and sometimes, life throws you a curveball that's a bit off course, but you manage to hit it and turn it into a homerun.
i'm just wondering which kind of pitch this is.
i'm just wondering which kind of pitch this is.
consumer's choice
a salesman can pitch a product all day long, and make it sound larger than life, but at the end of the day it's the consumer who decides to take it or leave it. the salesman will either feel incredibly rejected or extremely successful at painting an accurate picture, and one can only hope that the buyer feels that their purchase was exceptional. and you can't bargain out of this one and take only half the product for half the price...it's all or nothing. there's no possible way you can wriggle out of it. what then?
...i never was a very good salesman.
...i never was a very good salesman.
sondre lerche. where have you been all my life?
it's very important to take your vitamins in the morning, else you end up like a zombie, sleeping on your couch for 4 hours and eating taco bell because you don't feel like cooking and sitting on the computer instead of cleaning and straightening your greasy-having-a-horrible-hair-week hair at 9 in the evening. iron supplements might seem completely obsolete to you, and you might think it in your best interest to stop taking them because they don't help anyway, but this is most definitely a lie. well, for the most part. vitamins or not, you'd be bored out of your mind with nothing to do, wouldn't you?
i really should find a hobby.
i really should find a hobby.
carnivaltown
i took a wrong turn and almost collided with it. a broken-yet-trying-to-stay-alive mexican carnival. in the middle of dallas. something used to happen here. this place was once alive. the place where children's dreams were made to be pirate ship rides and their hunger was soothed with funnel cakes. and we go round and round on the tilt a whirl, trying to forget our worries and cares.
white noise
i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
to force you to hear the truth of who i am
and i've hid in the spotlight for entirely too long
for you to notice that i've been withering
i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
to make you understand how ridiculous you've become
i don't even know who you are anymore
and you don't even notice that you're changing
i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
to show you the error of your underhanded ways
not because i hate you, but because you're hurting others
and i will not allow you to keep manipulating.
i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
to cause the attacks of hell to stop cold
we shouldn't believe all those lies we've been told
and i refuse to let us keep crumbling
i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
because nobody else seems to be talking
and there's so much to be said, yet nothing to say
and i'm the only one that seems to be caring
to force you to hear the truth of who i am
and i've hid in the spotlight for entirely too long
for you to notice that i've been withering
i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
to make you understand how ridiculous you've become
i don't even know who you are anymore
and you don't even notice that you're changing
i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
to show you the error of your underhanded ways
not because i hate you, but because you're hurting others
and i will not allow you to keep manipulating.
i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
to cause the attacks of hell to stop cold
we shouldn't believe all those lies we've been told
and i refuse to let us keep crumbling
i desire to shatter this silence with a scream
because nobody else seems to be talking
and there's so much to be said, yet nothing to say
and i'm the only one that seems to be caring
sunday
what more is there to say, when my whole day has been spent in solitude? what more is there to say when there's nobody to call? what more is there to say, when i've exhausted all my leisure? what more is there to say when i'm back to where i started?
i am completely, utterly, surprisingly, painfully, and absolutely lonely.
i am completely, utterly, surprisingly, painfully, and absolutely lonely.
tranquility
i like watching cars drive by my window at night. i try to tuck the blinds up so i can lie there as i hear the soothing noise of an engine whizzing by said window. i don't really know why i do it or even why i like it. all i know is that when i lie in bed at night and i'm anxious and can't sleep, this is what i do. and i find myself on this "i skipped school because i haven't missed a day all semester" morning, doing the same thing. comfort. solace. peace. security trucks, sports cars, suv's, they all come by my window and i watch them as they pass, and it lulls me to a peaceful state. in the midst of all this angst and hatred and division, i find peace. why? not because a black man is going to be my president, not because the government is reliable. no, it's because in the midst of my biggest valley yet, God has reached down just to say:
hey, my love, i'm still here.
hey, my love, i'm still here.
reluctant
i'm trying to avoid the issue. no, i don't want to say it. i'm quite reluctant and awfully clumsy when it comes to this sort of thing. so you can imagine my shock when i notice it start to rupture from within. it's starting to make me uneasy. this is a new feeling, rushing through my veins, pulsating with my heartbeat. it forces tears to my eyes and i can't help but let them spill over the brim and just run down my face. but it's not the kind of crying that forces one to wonder what they did wrong. no, this is the kind of sobbing that can only be provoked by kindness. that can only be provoked by meditating on his smile. that smile melts my heart even still. or his laugh. the laugh that penetrates my insides and forces me to forget my worries as i sit before him. perhaps it's his touch, the kindness that pierces into my heart as my knees knock and i get dizzy. i can't be quite sure, but it could be his kind words that cause me to understand just a fraction of how Abba Father feels about me. i'm reluctant, and quite slow when it comes to these kinds of things. the honeymoon in my heart has been long over, the mountaintop is above us now, but we can still see the valley below. and all i know in this time is that even if i want to fight it, even if i'm reluctant...
i'm falling in love with him.
i'm falling in love with him.
mockingbird
maya angelou put it best when she titled her art.
"i know why the caged bird sings," she said.
"i know why the caged bird sings," she said.
pleading insanity
i don't need advertisements around every corner telling me how much i lack. i do that enough for myself and the rest of us for that matter, thank you. i don't need supergirl parading her superhuman abilities around in front of me when i'm trying so hard to just be a steady, stable woman. i'm strange, that is a fact established. i'm different, not like it's that hard to be in a world like ours. i'm special. i stand out. i thought that was supposed to be a good thing? and yet here i sit, feeling like a freak show without a cause, a performing monkey without an audience. where are those who i call friends? the ones i love have become wrapped up in a life lived for the right reasons and i'm just stuck at home without them. i'm disappointed in the life i thought i was gonna have compared to the cold hard facts. i don't like always being the wrong one, the one that fails, the one that falls short. i can't stand being the insignificant one, that's just a part i feel i have to play. maybe someday i'll stop running in circles, i'll realize that i don't have a tail so why am i chasing it? when it all comes crashing down, i'm learning to be content, but what about when i feel like i don't measure up to what you said i am? or how about when you never say what i am and so i don't know what's going on in your head, so i guess, and my guesses are never good guesses. you should tell me what you're thinking because what i'm thinking that you're thinking aren't positive thoughts. and so we can see why i feel like i'm going insane. i sure hope that's the problem, because otherwise, this crazy, out of control woman is just plainly WHO I AM and that makes me just like every other woman that came before me. i'll have made no ripple in the water, no change in this world, and that's worse than never existing at all.
sufficiency
what one thing could i say that would make you change your mind about GOD?
i'm full of questions now and then. this one seems to nag at my insides. could it be as simple as jesus loves you? or God wants you to know he's there for you? maybe it would be something personal. like, God didn't leave when your father did. or, He's here in the midst of your grief, and He wants to hold you tight. perhaps it's just a scripture that would show you that you're not on the right track. all i know is that for me, all it took was this: you don't have to do it on your own.
i'm full of questions now and then. this one seems to nag at my insides. could it be as simple as jesus loves you? or God wants you to know he's there for you? maybe it would be something personal. like, God didn't leave when your father did. or, He's here in the midst of your grief, and He wants to hold you tight. perhaps it's just a scripture that would show you that you're not on the right track. all i know is that for me, all it took was this: you don't have to do it on your own.
lemonade
what would it look like if i was never afraid again?
i'd notice there was a sky, the trees would grow colors, there would be no hopelessness. she wouldn't be prettier and funnier and more talented than me. no, there would only be God's love pouring down on me and i would be opting to walk without an umbrella, thank you. i'd play my music louder and i wouldn't mind it a bit. maybe i'd even go cliff diving. heck, i'd go sky diving. would you even recognize me? i wouldn't hold back and i'd stop trying so hard. you would be fascinated by my ability to find security in our relationship, and i would laugh in the face of danger. i would love you. helplessly. endlessly. deeply. forever. and it would be so beautiful. to know that my love is stronger than any fear, to be completely sure that who you are is who i want for the rest of my life. i'd dive head first into everything about life and i wouldn't regret a thing. i could sleep through the night. i would ride a million rollercoasters and laugh the whole way. i wouldn't regret telling you that i think i'm gonna be in love with you. i wouldn't regret thinking that i want you to be my forever friend. it would look like the life i've always thirsted for.
i'd notice there was a sky, the trees would grow colors, there would be no hopelessness. she wouldn't be prettier and funnier and more talented than me. no, there would only be God's love pouring down on me and i would be opting to walk without an umbrella, thank you. i'd play my music louder and i wouldn't mind it a bit. maybe i'd even go cliff diving. heck, i'd go sky diving. would you even recognize me? i wouldn't hold back and i'd stop trying so hard. you would be fascinated by my ability to find security in our relationship, and i would laugh in the face of danger. i would love you. helplessly. endlessly. deeply. forever. and it would be so beautiful. to know that my love is stronger than any fear, to be completely sure that who you are is who i want for the rest of my life. i'd dive head first into everything about life and i wouldn't regret a thing. i could sleep through the night. i would ride a million rollercoasters and laugh the whole way. i wouldn't regret telling you that i think i'm gonna be in love with you. i wouldn't regret thinking that i want you to be my forever friend. it would look like the life i've always thirsted for.
perspective
"i believe in the sun when it isn't shining, i believe in love even when it is felt not, and i believe in God even when He is silent." [unknown, found carved on a wall at a concentration camp]
causes one to think, doesn't it?
causes one to think, doesn't it?
lovesick = chalah
"He brought me to the banqueting table, and His banner over me was love. Sustain me with cakes of raisins, Refresh me with apples, for I am lovesick." [songofsongs 2:4-5]
lovesick, directly translated in the hebrew, is chalah, which means "weak with passion". this woman is so entirely dependent on her lover that when his presence is removed from her, she feels utterly powerless. have you ever been so in love that you can't eat or sleep? THAT is this woman. she feels like she can't make it without his nearness. in the whole context of the book, she says often that she is faint with love, that her heart yearns for him. she wants nothing more than to be with him every single second of every single day. to feel his touch, to hear his confessions of love whispered in her ear and for her to know that in his arms, she has made her home. why can't i do the same? so many times, when i am caught in a rough patch, self sufficiency becomes my lover; my first instinct is to handle things myself. i always want control of the situation so it will get done perfectly. but what i forget so easily, with my foolish and silly human ways, is that only my God can make a situation work out perfectly. a need to be in control is really a deficiency of trust. i will be the first to admit that this is my hardship in my walk with God. i don't trust that when things seem to be falling apart, that He will take me in His arms and carry me through effortlessly. so i labor and labor and didn't i just toil over that patch of land? and yet here it is, dead. because my human efforts from sunup to sundown just won't measure up. a life of being in control, a life of absolute and utter need for perfection will end up being a life wasted. all i should desire is to be more like Him, and even He relies on Himself. so who am i to say that i don't need Him? i'm a fool, that's what i am. i want to be weak with passion. i want to be completely wrecked for my self reliance, and all i want is to be lovesick. sounds like a strange request, but i'm honestly tired of being in control. i'm tired of figuring everything out. and it seems like He's in the business of taking care of me. He'd be much better at it anyway.
lovesick, directly translated in the hebrew, is chalah, which means "weak with passion". this woman is so entirely dependent on her lover that when his presence is removed from her, she feels utterly powerless. have you ever been so in love that you can't eat or sleep? THAT is this woman. she feels like she can't make it without his nearness. in the whole context of the book, she says often that she is faint with love, that her heart yearns for him. she wants nothing more than to be with him every single second of every single day. to feel his touch, to hear his confessions of love whispered in her ear and for her to know that in his arms, she has made her home. why can't i do the same? so many times, when i am caught in a rough patch, self sufficiency becomes my lover; my first instinct is to handle things myself. i always want control of the situation so it will get done perfectly. but what i forget so easily, with my foolish and silly human ways, is that only my God can make a situation work out perfectly. a need to be in control is really a deficiency of trust. i will be the first to admit that this is my hardship in my walk with God. i don't trust that when things seem to be falling apart, that He will take me in His arms and carry me through effortlessly. so i labor and labor and didn't i just toil over that patch of land? and yet here it is, dead. because my human efforts from sunup to sundown just won't measure up. a life of being in control, a life of absolute and utter need for perfection will end up being a life wasted. all i should desire is to be more like Him, and even He relies on Himself. so who am i to say that i don't need Him? i'm a fool, that's what i am. i want to be weak with passion. i want to be completely wrecked for my self reliance, and all i want is to be lovesick. sounds like a strange request, but i'm honestly tired of being in control. i'm tired of figuring everything out. and it seems like He's in the business of taking care of me. He'd be much better at it anyway.
kentucky and florida
"i saw the first signs of autumn in kentucky this morning. the leaves were browning, the sky was foggy, and the air was chilled. it was a beautiful morning and i was captivated by my surroundings. God has been so good to me on this trip, and all i can think about is how he loves us. oh, how he loves us! we don't need anything material, we don't need worldly things. God has given us beauty and friendship and open hearts. the kingdom is not that we learn or write the coolest songs, not how charismatic we sound, and not how many programs we can create. this is the kingdom: serving and loving. letting people into your life and pouring love into theirs. beauty is found in the moments where you hold the children that are starstruck by you, the moments where complete strangers come together and lift their praises to a God who adores them. i can't help but think i've stumbled upon a more beautiful discovery about what this life is supposed to be about." [kentucky]
"the ocean is the most beautiful thing i've seen in my entire life, but it's much more beautiful at night. the stars crash into the water that never seems to end. silhouettes dance and sparkle on the moonlit surface, early into the morning. the sound of laughter collides with the powerful waves and echoes into the dark expanse of sky. i used to be jealous of people who got to see this all their life. but i realized that to them, all they see is the ocean, the sand, and the sky. this is nothing more than common to them. yet, the portrait i just captured in my mind has made a lasting impact...i can see the waves in the streaks on the glass. i could swear there's still sand in my toes. i'm still dizzy from walking along the waves. i can hear the ocean ringing in my ears. it's calling me back, just to be there, just to exist." [florida]
"the ocean is the most beautiful thing i've seen in my entire life, but it's much more beautiful at night. the stars crash into the water that never seems to end. silhouettes dance and sparkle on the moonlit surface, early into the morning. the sound of laughter collides with the powerful waves and echoes into the dark expanse of sky. i used to be jealous of people who got to see this all their life. but i realized that to them, all they see is the ocean, the sand, and the sky. this is nothing more than common to them. yet, the portrait i just captured in my mind has made a lasting impact...i can see the waves in the streaks on the glass. i could swear there's still sand in my toes. i'm still dizzy from walking along the waves. i can hear the ocean ringing in my ears. it's calling me back, just to be there, just to exist." [florida]
guatemala and cinnamon vanilla creme
my eyelids have been heavy for a week now. they tell me it's because of my allergies, "them" being people who have no idea what they're talking about. i haven't been sleeping well, not enough REM sleep or whatever it's called. i'm dreaming strange dreams of people i have never dreamt of. i'm lying awake at night listening to sigur ros and thinking about things that i never knew i thought. i'm tossing and turning and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, a world i've never known or experienced fully. i'm studying for midterms in classes i don't understand. i can't turn my brain off. they tell me to take nyquil or tylenol pm or sleeping pills, "they" being those same people that don't understand my sensitivity to medicine. i'll be leaving for kentucky in the morning. i hope it's a good trip, i'll be connecting with old friends and making new ones, i'll be leading people i've never met into the throne room of God, and i'll be taking pictures and writing for the fifteen hours it takes to get there. i'll take lots of pictures and you guys can see how beautiful it is. "you guys" being the two people that read my blog. but it'll be good for me, to get out and start doing work outside of this campus, to be a part of something even bigger than CFNI and that's the american church. i pray that it goes well and that i come back with some kind of new perspective on at least one thing. that's my new prayer, God, change my perspective on at least one thing every once in a while, just so i know that You're still speaking to me. i'm bad at hearing His voice sometimes...
rain and ramblings
i awoke to the sound of pouring rain. it's been a while since we've had rain here in dallas. the last time i saw it was most likely during hurricane ike. the weather was the only thing that got me out of bed, which is so contrary to how most people react when it's storming. i stumbled to the kitchen, poured myself a bowl of strawberry chex, and then shuffled around the living room getting myself ready. i walked outside, and i opted for no umbrella. my hair curled before i even got out from underneath the complex. it was a beautiful morning, and my friend said it reminded him of seattle. he said i would fit perfectly there. i smiled. i'm a different person today than i was even half a year ago. everyone cracks jokes about me being indie. independent makes complete sense. i like the feeling of being exactly who i am. rain isn't the same thing it was a year ago. once upon a time, it was God's sign that He loved me. now, i don't need that security blanket. God loves me and i know it, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. rain or no rain. contentment stems from security. i laugh when i think about the changes i've made and how great this day was. mellow, full of adventure and fellowship, listening to feist and pondering the significance of change and wondering what tomorrow is going to hold. my life is something beautiful, that's for sure. i don't ever want to let go of the beauty i've found in being who i was made to be. it feels like everything else just...fits when i'm me. everything falls into place, makes more sense. i lie down on my pillow and start smiling at the thought of who i'll be a year from now. i fall asleep to the sound of the pouring rain.
panic attack
nothing is as bad as it seems right? i'm breathing shallow, but at least i'm still breathing...right? i'm shaking, but at least it's because i still have intensity...right? my skin is warm and i feel so sick to my stomach. no matter what anyone says, the lump in my throat won't go away. my eyes burn like there's hot tears on the brink, but nothing. every muscle in my body is tensed and all i can think is how much it will take to get me relaxed again. my scalp hurts from pulling on my hair as a reaction. the ground is spinning and my heart won't stop pounding (but at least it's not skipping beats anymore). there are words i wanna speak, but i can't form them with my mouth. just breathe. relax. stay calm. it wasn't an actual wreck, you survived, there wasn't even the slightest of impact. stop being a baby. my steps are slowing and my body is getting heavy. my eyelids start to fall, my sinuses feel like they're going to explode and my head feels like it's in a vice. i finally see you and everything seems to be okay. i can rest when you're around, love. you make me feel...safe. i'm glad i have you to take care of me. i wake up and laugh entirely too much at all the wrong jokes...and i come home and try to express just a fraction of what in the world happened to my world tonight.
waltzing lessons
there's this passage in song of songs where solomon is pounding on his lover's door, trying to get her to let him in to spend time with her and love on her. i read it about a week ago and had no clue why it was in the Bible. it's nothing special, it seems to be just a description about how some woman is too lazy to get out of her bed to see her lover.
"i slept but my heart was awake. listen! my lover is knocking: 'open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. my head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.' i have taken off my robe — must I put it on again? i have washed my feet — must I soil them again? my lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. i arose to open for my lover, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the lock.
i opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone. my heart sank at his departure. i looked for him but did not find him. i called him but he did not answer" (song of songs 5:2-6).
today it hit me like a freight train why this passage is in the bible. as christians, so many times, we love on God in church or in chapel (for us bible school kids) and then we go on about our normal routine. and God is calling out to spend time with us and love on us. He is begging us to be with him. and we slap him in the face by saying, "i've already taken off that mask, must i put it on again?" "i've already worn out that facade, must i pick it up again?" "i've already worshipped you once today, Lord, isn't that enough?" we beg God for His presence and then when He shows up we're too busy. He wants to break through the door, but He is a gentleman and won't force His love on us. i fear for our future if we don't take hold of the opportunities that we have. remember the story of mary and martha? martha was too busy to sit at Jesus' feet? and let's not forget that she was busy preparing for Jesus. and mary, despite what she thought about how martha would react, just sat at His feet, knowing that His time on this earth was short and that He could be taken at any point...so she rested in Him. and even Jesus said that mary chose what is better. i don't want to be too late, i don't want to be one of those who thinks they're a christian only to find on the day that Jesus comes back that i'm left, that i'll be looking for Him and won't find Him, that i'll call Him and He won't answer. if all we're here for as Christians is to find some really extravagant way to jump around or some cool jam session that makes us feel better about our seemingly meaningless lives, then we have failed miserably. this faith is so much more. it is VIOLENT love, it is ABSOLUTE truth, it is PEACE (and not a magic cure). this faith will rip away at your flesh and destroy all that is contrary to HOLINESS. it will follow you everywhere you are, day and night, and it won't relent. it will seek you out if you reject it. it will burn on your insides until you're positive you won't survive. and we obviously don't want THAT faith - we so dance around the issue, convincing with our beautiful waltz, but we're cheating the steps. jesus said the road was narrow and seldom traveled - because it's not easy. but if we want TRUE freedom, it's the ONLY way. it's the difference between worshipping God and living in His presence.
LORD JESUS, i ask right now that you would purify my heart. take away all my desires for the things contrary to Your kingdom. You said that we are blessed when we hunger and thirst after righteousness. i pray that i would be so desperate for Your righteousness (for mine is as filthy rags) that i would not neglect you for even one day. i'm not going to sit here and put up some schedule that you have to work in. i'm not going to take my robe off and then complain if i have to put it on again, because i don't want to miss an opportunity to love on you. because i DO love you. with all that i am. You are the one i love; the object of my affections and desires. You pour out of me like water and i want to dwell with You. i don't want to miss it because i'm too busy doing other things. set me free from the constraints of time. i pray that You would complete this work that has been started in me. teach me how to waltz without cheating the steps. i wanna dance it Your way. amen.
"i slept but my heart was awake. listen! my lover is knocking: 'open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. my head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.' i have taken off my robe — must I put it on again? i have washed my feet — must I soil them again? my lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. i arose to open for my lover, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the lock.
i opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone. my heart sank at his departure. i looked for him but did not find him. i called him but he did not answer" (song of songs 5:2-6).
today it hit me like a freight train why this passage is in the bible. as christians, so many times, we love on God in church or in chapel (for us bible school kids) and then we go on about our normal routine. and God is calling out to spend time with us and love on us. He is begging us to be with him. and we slap him in the face by saying, "i've already taken off that mask, must i put it on again?" "i've already worn out that facade, must i pick it up again?" "i've already worshipped you once today, Lord, isn't that enough?" we beg God for His presence and then when He shows up we're too busy. He wants to break through the door, but He is a gentleman and won't force His love on us. i fear for our future if we don't take hold of the opportunities that we have. remember the story of mary and martha? martha was too busy to sit at Jesus' feet? and let's not forget that she was busy preparing for Jesus. and mary, despite what she thought about how martha would react, just sat at His feet, knowing that His time on this earth was short and that He could be taken at any point...so she rested in Him. and even Jesus said that mary chose what is better. i don't want to be too late, i don't want to be one of those who thinks they're a christian only to find on the day that Jesus comes back that i'm left, that i'll be looking for Him and won't find Him, that i'll call Him and He won't answer. if all we're here for as Christians is to find some really extravagant way to jump around or some cool jam session that makes us feel better about our seemingly meaningless lives, then we have failed miserably. this faith is so much more. it is VIOLENT love, it is ABSOLUTE truth, it is PEACE (and not a magic cure). this faith will rip away at your flesh and destroy all that is contrary to HOLINESS. it will follow you everywhere you are, day and night, and it won't relent. it will seek you out if you reject it. it will burn on your insides until you're positive you won't survive. and we obviously don't want THAT faith - we so dance around the issue, convincing with our beautiful waltz, but we're cheating the steps. jesus said the road was narrow and seldom traveled - because it's not easy. but if we want TRUE freedom, it's the ONLY way. it's the difference between worshipping God and living in His presence.
LORD JESUS, i ask right now that you would purify my heart. take away all my desires for the things contrary to Your kingdom. You said that we are blessed when we hunger and thirst after righteousness. i pray that i would be so desperate for Your righteousness (for mine is as filthy rags) that i would not neglect you for even one day. i'm not going to sit here and put up some schedule that you have to work in. i'm not going to take my robe off and then complain if i have to put it on again, because i don't want to miss an opportunity to love on you. because i DO love you. with all that i am. You are the one i love; the object of my affections and desires. You pour out of me like water and i want to dwell with You. i don't want to miss it because i'm too busy doing other things. set me free from the constraints of time. i pray that You would complete this work that has been started in me. teach me how to waltz without cheating the steps. i wanna dance it Your way. amen.
front row rehearsals and sonic drive-in
why is it such a crime to the world for me to be myself?
i look at myself in a mirror, and i finally smile...
so why do people start criticizing?
i'm trying to do the best i can.
i'm sorry that i'm not quiet and shy.
i'm sorry that i'm not focused and upright.
i'm sorry that i'm not always modest and humble.
i'm sorry that i tend to speak before i think,
that i have a problem with patience,
that i can seem overbearing and intimidating,
that i can be percieved as immature at times
because i simply enjoy my life.
i'm tired of apologizing because
i'm some sort of menace to the adult world.
if someone could just explain to me what harm being myself has done...?
i look at myself in a mirror, and i finally smile...
so why do people start criticizing?
i'm trying to do the best i can.
i'm sorry that i'm not quiet and shy.
i'm sorry that i'm not focused and upright.
i'm sorry that i'm not always modest and humble.
i'm sorry that i tend to speak before i think,
that i have a problem with patience,
that i can seem overbearing and intimidating,
that i can be percieved as immature at times
because i simply enjoy my life.
i'm tired of apologizing because
i'm some sort of menace to the adult world.
if someone could just explain to me what harm being myself has done...?
seven year olds and dishwashing soap
i love hearing a seven year old's imagination come to life. i often wonder if they even see what i see or if their eyes put them in a completely alternate universe. running through a house suddenly becomes dodging skyscrapers, and jumping off chairs (however...i wouldn't suggest letting them do this often) suddenly becomes skydiving. there is no end to the way their brains can compose a beautiful scene. i hear his screams and conversations and his voice inflections, informing me that there are two people involved in this conversation, even though i can only see one of them. he whizzes past me, yelling something about how the world is coming to an end if they don't take care of the supervillian across town. i smile and giggle to myself as i get back to washing the dishes, remembering the days when i used to be the same exact way. but life happened to me. and when i start a conversation with someone only i can see, it causes people to question my sanity. when i jump off chairs and run around my apartment, people laugh. it's just part of growing up. i hear his tiny footsteps on the floor above my head, and i feel the immense innocence emanating through the house. i know i'm supposed to be cleaning, but i'm fascinated by this story he's written with his toys. a laugh echoes through the house, the kind of laugh that comes from deep within your belly. the kind that makes everyone around laugh. and so i laugh with him, and i don't care if i look crazy. all i know is that childlike innocence makes me happy. all i care about in this moment is the fact that i'm finally getting a vacation from my life. there's nothing more i desire than to run upstairs and join him. but i know i'm too old for that sort of thing now, so i turn my focus once again to washing the dishes. he runs around the living room again, shooting invisible webs out of his hands. then something about let's go get the guy! and he's off again.
je n'ai rien à dire (i have nothing to say)
i'm sitting on the computer,
so i might as well start typing
and see what flows out of this empty head of mine.
things haven't gotten much better.
my writing is still lacking...something,
i can't quite put my finger on what it is.
i'm falling in love with God all over again,
so that can't be the issue.
i'm not going to play doctor and
try to figure out what the problem is, either.
because whether or not i like it,
this emptiness keeps coming back.
sometimes, i think it's just simply that
i've emptied my brain's poetic thought onto paper
and there's nothing left,
that it's gonna take a while before
things are back to the way they should be.
but i can't handle that answer.
i can't handle the thought of having nothing to say.
i can't handle the fear that this isn't temporary,
that i will never be able to write like i once did again.
and i'm sure someone is looking at this
and thinking that i'm a writer,
that this prose is striking...but the truth is,
i'm lacking.
i'm lacking that feeling i would get
when my passion would surge through my fingertips
onto the keyboard and do the talking for me.
i feel like i'm missing that functionality
that my writing once had. it used to be so dramatic
and yet so real. so poetic
and yet so simple.
and now it's just a lazy excuse
to sit around on a computer and try and
remember where i put my creative mind.
i must have replaced it with logic.
will i ever be able to write again like i once did?
and if not, is this just part of an artist's growing up?
and if so, will i ever get used to this way of creating?
and if not, will i always just be longing for the good old days?
so i might as well start typing
and see what flows out of this empty head of mine.
things haven't gotten much better.
my writing is still lacking...something,
i can't quite put my finger on what it is.
i'm falling in love with God all over again,
so that can't be the issue.
i'm not going to play doctor and
try to figure out what the problem is, either.
because whether or not i like it,
this emptiness keeps coming back.
sometimes, i think it's just simply that
i've emptied my brain's poetic thought onto paper
and there's nothing left,
that it's gonna take a while before
things are back to the way they should be.
but i can't handle that answer.
i can't handle the thought of having nothing to say.
i can't handle the fear that this isn't temporary,
that i will never be able to write like i once did again.
and i'm sure someone is looking at this
and thinking that i'm a writer,
that this prose is striking...but the truth is,
i'm lacking.
i'm lacking that feeling i would get
when my passion would surge through my fingertips
onto the keyboard and do the talking for me.
i feel like i'm missing that functionality
that my writing once had. it used to be so dramatic
and yet so real. so poetic
and yet so simple.
and now it's just a lazy excuse
to sit around on a computer and try and
remember where i put my creative mind.
i must have replaced it with logic.
will i ever be able to write again like i once did?
and if not, is this just part of an artist's growing up?
and if so, will i ever get used to this way of creating?
and if not, will i always just be longing for the good old days?
balancing acts with hundred pound weights
this empty screen stares at me, screaming, begging for me to say something. but i find i'm at a loss for anything more than meaningless, purposeless words. i feel like that's all i've got lately, words with no meaning, a heart with no purpose. and maybe it stems from never having time to feel. this walk with God has relied on doctrine and logic and structure so much that i don't even remember what it's like to actually walk with Him. to know what His touch feels like, to feel His arms wrap around me. to hear Him whispering love in my ear. i fear that i'm losing my intimacy with Him, like i'm drowning in my theology and forgetting what it sounds like to hear His voice.
and maybe i'm alone in this. maybe, i'm the only one that feels like i'm getting carried away with building my foundation that i've forgotten what it's all about. maybe i'm the only one who doesn't understand where that immense love went. because they're right, "it's not about how you feel", but i've got to find and rekindle that passion that i've let fade. God is near, and God and i are incredibly deep in each other right now. but i want to feel His love today, not just know it's there. i know that the wind is there, the breeze exists. but i want to feel it brush my face and tickle my eyelids. and that's what i want from God. Lord, can You just love on me a little? this whole balance thing is much harder than i remember. can You show me You love me?
and maybe i'm alone in this. maybe, i'm the only one that feels like i'm getting carried away with building my foundation that i've forgotten what it's all about. maybe i'm the only one who doesn't understand where that immense love went. because they're right, "it's not about how you feel", but i've got to find and rekindle that passion that i've let fade. God is near, and God and i are incredibly deep in each other right now. but i want to feel His love today, not just know it's there. i know that the wind is there, the breeze exists. but i want to feel it brush my face and tickle my eyelids. and that's what i want from God. Lord, can You just love on me a little? this whole balance thing is much harder than i remember. can You show me You love me?
the leaves are too green
oh, how i am wishing that fall would come. not for any particular reason, mind you, i think a change of pace is what i need. the brisk fall wind slapping me in the face as i step outside with my hands in my pockets and a scarf around my neck. i would be walking with no agenda, no destination, with nothing in mind but a million things on my mind. the leaves would blanket me as i would wander aimlessly beneath the trees. a latte in hand would be nice, but not necessary. mostly, i'd just have time to think and ponder all these things that have transpired over the time that i've been away from home. i've become a completely different person. circumstances have changed me and i've changed circumstances. and i haven't done enough thinking.
i get so caught up in the busyness of life, in the details of my time here at CFNI, that i forget that this kind of thing only happens once in a lifetime. i should be cherishing it, i should be reveling in it. i'm not saying i should block out the world around me, because if i do that, everything i do here is in vain. i'm mostly saying that sometimes i've gotta relax. live a little. do something i've never done before. expand my horizons. be adventurous like i claim to be.
and i think fall is just what i need.
i get so caught up in the busyness of life, in the details of my time here at CFNI, that i forget that this kind of thing only happens once in a lifetime. i should be cherishing it, i should be reveling in it. i'm not saying i should block out the world around me, because if i do that, everything i do here is in vain. i'm mostly saying that sometimes i've gotta relax. live a little. do something i've never done before. expand my horizons. be adventurous like i claim to be.
and i think fall is just what i need.
organic coffee and french catch phrases
i've got ten minutes to write down what i'm thinking, before i have to get back to my apartment. there isn't much floating around in this brain of mine nowadays, i'm just trying to figure out how to get myself thinking again. there's nothing valuable to value anymore. there's nothing important for me to articulate. what happened to me that caused me to be so...vacant?
romancing the stone
there's something different about us.
i can't quite put my finger on it, and i don't quite like to talk about it.
because, although i haven't always been this way,
i'm quite bashful and reserved when it comes to you.
i just don't want us to become something that people get used to.
i never get used to the way you make me feel when you call me darling
i don't want to get used to the way your fingers feel when they lace through mine.
i never get used to the practical side of you and me, the friendship we've built.
i don't ever want to get used to your smile, the one that penetrates my heart.
i can't possibly get used to that voice, the one that still makes my insides go crazy.
i haven't told you that i love you yet.
and honestly, i don't plan to for a while.
but there's some comfort in that,
no stress, no worries,
just you and me.
and i really like it that way.
you've shown me that even a heart of stone can't keep you away.
[untitled]
fall is coming, they're saying
but i'm not ready for a change
i'm not even ready for the morning to come
i just got used to this day
only to find it's once again over
in this state of change i find
that my yesterdays spill over into
the todays that i've so carefully composed
and while i'm nothing like i used to be
i'm exactly who i was before
i'm still breathing i'm still human
you still cut me i still bleed
i still long to know i'm lovely
and i still laugh and cry and speak
summer was a time to mourn
quite an irony if you look to the skies
but now here's fall and with the season
comes a bit of fading away
the fading away of the bitter insecurity
the death of my fear and my doubt
but it's comfortable to be in this state of mind
so i keep inviting in the same voices
the same feelings the same pain
there's going to be a time
when the change is gonna come
and i'm gonna welcome it with open arms
no shame or guilt drowning me
fall is coming, they're saying.
but i'm not ready for a change
i'm not even ready for the morning to come
i just got used to this day
only to find it's once again over
in this state of change i find
that my yesterdays spill over into
the todays that i've so carefully composed
and while i'm nothing like i used to be
i'm exactly who i was before
i'm still breathing i'm still human
you still cut me i still bleed
i still long to know i'm lovely
and i still laugh and cry and speak
summer was a time to mourn
quite an irony if you look to the skies
but now here's fall and with the season
comes a bit of fading away
the fading away of the bitter insecurity
the death of my fear and my doubt
but it's comfortable to be in this state of mind
so i keep inviting in the same voices
the same feelings the same pain
there's going to be a time
when the change is gonna come
and i'm gonna welcome it with open arms
no shame or guilt drowning me
fall is coming, they're saying.
adventure please?
i'm feeling like i could use a change of pace.
do you ever feel like you want to drive around the world?
but instead, i'm running in circles.
college is great, but wow is it redundant.
do you ever feel like you want to drive around the world?
but instead, i'm running in circles.
college is great, but wow is it redundant.
"for your Maker is your Husband, the Almighty is His name."
while i'm supposed to be reading, my wandering mind is drawn back to the topic of LOVE as christians. isn't it amusing that we've set such a double standard of it out of our ignorance? i choose to believe that we didn't know we were setting said standard, just for the fact that i'm trying to be more positive of the body of Christ. so i'm proposing this: if love for your spouse is a committment, isn't our love for God the same? and if that's the case, is "backsliding" an option? we say we "love" God, but as Christians, across the board, you wouldn't be able to find our committment to Him with a magnifying glass. and if that's the case, then what am i committing to when i say i'm in love with Him?
love is patient and kind, it doesn't envy or boast. it isn't proud or rude or self seeking. it's not angered easily, and it doesn't keep score. love doesn't rejoice when others fall, but rejoices in the truth. it always protects, always trusts, hopes, and perseveres.
am i patient in waiting on the Lord? do i always trust that even though it takes forever to get to where He takes me, that it's gonna work out?
the word "kind" in the Greek is "to treat as one's own kin, one's own family". doesn't that change the whole entire meaning of the word? "He came to that which was His own, but His own did not recieve Him. but to those who recieved Him, to those who believe in His name, He gave the right to become children of God" (john 1:11). and so it makes sense to treat God like our Daddy, with the respect and love and just complete awe He deserves.
love does not envy. it was hard for me to think of how this fit into the context of our relationship with God. and then i remembered about how Lucifer was taken from Heaven because he thought he could be greater than God. he envied God's power and gift. and do i struggle with the same?
it seems silly to think that i could boast to God, but so many times, i boast in my own gift instead of in Him. it's the difference between boasting in ourselves and boasting in God.
love isn't proud. that means i'm not unwilling to admit our faults to a God who is bigger than they are.
love isn't rude. i need to honor God even in the moments when i feel like dishonoring Him.
love isn't self seeking. i don't serve God because of what i get out of it, i serve God because He is God. and if my motives are ever for any other reason, i've failed in my committment to Him.
love isn't easily angered. i don't always understand what God is doing in my life, and for me to be angry at Him is senseless. He sees the big picture. He knows what is best, and i'm going to have to learn to trust Him with all that i am.
love keeps no record of wrongs. have you ever met someone who just keeps pounding out a list of things that "God" supposedly did to them? of course, those of us in the church never do that. we would never say anything like "God, where were you on 9-11? God, why did you let them die?", right? i can't think about the things that don't make sense about God, i just have to trust that He'll work them for His good.
love does not delight in evil. i should never be looking for harsh justice upon others from God. jonah prayed that God would smite nineveh, but God's will is that none should perish, and shouldn't my desires be the same?
love rejoices in the truth. so many people have fallen away from God because they "exchanged the truth of God for a lie" (romans 1). i don't ever want to be one of those people. i want to love truth more than i love acceptance or sin.
love always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.
may i never take my commitment lightly, for my Maker is my Husband. He is the one i love. and in that, i will commit myself to Him forever and ever.
love is patient and kind, it doesn't envy or boast. it isn't proud or rude or self seeking. it's not angered easily, and it doesn't keep score. love doesn't rejoice when others fall, but rejoices in the truth. it always protects, always trusts, hopes, and perseveres.
am i patient in waiting on the Lord? do i always trust that even though it takes forever to get to where He takes me, that it's gonna work out?
the word "kind" in the Greek is "to treat as one's own kin, one's own family". doesn't that change the whole entire meaning of the word? "He came to that which was His own, but His own did not recieve Him. but to those who recieved Him, to those who believe in His name, He gave the right to become children of God" (john 1:11). and so it makes sense to treat God like our Daddy, with the respect and love and just complete awe He deserves.
love does not envy. it was hard for me to think of how this fit into the context of our relationship with God. and then i remembered about how Lucifer was taken from Heaven because he thought he could be greater than God. he envied God's power and gift. and do i struggle with the same?
it seems silly to think that i could boast to God, but so many times, i boast in my own gift instead of in Him. it's the difference between boasting in ourselves and boasting in God.
love isn't proud. that means i'm not unwilling to admit our faults to a God who is bigger than they are.
love isn't rude. i need to honor God even in the moments when i feel like dishonoring Him.
love isn't self seeking. i don't serve God because of what i get out of it, i serve God because He is God. and if my motives are ever for any other reason, i've failed in my committment to Him.
love isn't easily angered. i don't always understand what God is doing in my life, and for me to be angry at Him is senseless. He sees the big picture. He knows what is best, and i'm going to have to learn to trust Him with all that i am.
love keeps no record of wrongs. have you ever met someone who just keeps pounding out a list of things that "God" supposedly did to them? of course, those of us in the church never do that. we would never say anything like "God, where were you on 9-11? God, why did you let them die?", right? i can't think about the things that don't make sense about God, i just have to trust that He'll work them for His good.
love does not delight in evil. i should never be looking for harsh justice upon others from God. jonah prayed that God would smite nineveh, but God's will is that none should perish, and shouldn't my desires be the same?
love rejoices in the truth. so many people have fallen away from God because they "exchanged the truth of God for a lie" (romans 1). i don't ever want to be one of those people. i want to love truth more than i love acceptance or sin.
love always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.
may i never take my commitment lightly, for my Maker is my Husband. He is the one i love. and in that, i will commit myself to Him forever and ever.
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