the train station, amidst its hustle and bustle, amidst the loud noises and high, echoing ceilings, offered solace to her. she sat pristine, with an antique bag in her lap, hands folded. she had nothing to say, nothing on her mind, aside from the casual "i just want to go home."
she knew that home wasn't a place for her anymore. no, a physical home had long been stripped from her senses. home for her was something much bigger...home for her was the laughter, the sunflowers. home was the echo of a baby's cry, or the smile on the face of a dear friend. home had become so much bigger than the four walls she'd known her whole life. home had become a state of mind. and although, at times like these, it was difficult to admit, she liked having that kind of home much better - because it meant she was home much more of the time.
yet, even in the swimming thoughts that plagued her mind about where home could possibly be, she knew there was only one place where she felt one hundred percent at home - like she belonged. she could travel the world over and never find a place so safe as this. the smiles, the tears, the music, the deep conversations, the heartache, the long walks to nowhere, the late nights, the questions. the feeling of his smooth skin against her face, the warmth of his hand in hers, the rhythm of his heartbeat as she lay on his chest, the surprise of a brief laugh. the only place she was really home was in his arms.
the train whistle blew violently, and steam erupted everywhere. she fished for her ticket and sprinted to the train, a smile on her face, because she knew that before long, she'd be in the arms of the one she loved...and she'd finally be....
home.
sleepless in seattle?
i am extremely restless.
it's four in the morning and i have no idea what i'm doing still awake. usually a long night like this means something is on my mind or that i need to write...
this time i think it's a little bit of both...
but in either respect, i don't know where to begin.
it's four in the morning and i have no idea what i'm doing still awake. usually a long night like this means something is on my mind or that i need to write...
this time i think it's a little bit of both...
but in either respect, i don't know where to begin.
a great adventure
my chains are gone, my cage is open
i've been set free to fly away
and the sentiments of this bondage
have glued my feet to this ground
a paste, composed of lies and half truths
object lessons and victimized stories
this has become most uncomfortable
they have trapped me in a skin i've long outgrown
i whistle and sing, a song of fear,
but nobody can tell because it still sounds beautiful
only One can read the desperation in my voice
and He brings one word with Him
that word that shatters all other words
breaks me out of this dead skin
and leaves me to make my move
and without thinking twice, i spread my wings and
fly, fly, fly
fly as far away from that place as i can: south.
i find freedom in Brazil;
their faces melting at the sound of His name
finding truth in the words i utter, for i can't lie
about One so great that He broke me from myself.
i find freedom in their hunger.
i find freedom in Mexico,
where some still see bondage,
i show them what freedom looks like
even when it doesn't feel like.
i bring myself more freedom through my honesty.
i find freedom in the eyes of little ones
willing to forsake things they'll never know they left
to follow the way, the Truth, and the Life.
i find freedom in his eyes...
the eyes that are still so bound
but i see where he will be and i will
never leave his side.
mostly, i find freedom in His eyes.
no matter where i scatter,
no matter where i fly,
His eyes of fire find me and see me
and the most lovingly rapturous gaze
turns my inside outs upside down
and i'm left at square one.
for in this journey, i am learning
that freedom is not independence
but complete and total dependence on Him.
i've been set free to fly away
and the sentiments of this bondage
have glued my feet to this ground
a paste, composed of lies and half truths
object lessons and victimized stories
this has become most uncomfortable
they have trapped me in a skin i've long outgrown
i whistle and sing, a song of fear,
but nobody can tell because it still sounds beautiful
only One can read the desperation in my voice
and He brings one word with Him
that word that shatters all other words
breaks me out of this dead skin
and leaves me to make my move
and without thinking twice, i spread my wings and
fly, fly, fly
fly as far away from that place as i can: south.
i find freedom in Brazil;
their faces melting at the sound of His name
finding truth in the words i utter, for i can't lie
about One so great that He broke me from myself.
i find freedom in their hunger.
i find freedom in Mexico,
where some still see bondage,
i show them what freedom looks like
even when it doesn't feel like.
i bring myself more freedom through my honesty.
i find freedom in the eyes of little ones
willing to forsake things they'll never know they left
to follow the way, the Truth, and the Life.
i find freedom in his eyes...
the eyes that are still so bound
but i see where he will be and i will
never leave his side.
mostly, i find freedom in His eyes.
no matter where i scatter,
no matter where i fly,
His eyes of fire find me and see me
and the most lovingly rapturous gaze
turns my inside outs upside down
and i'm left at square one.
for in this journey, i am learning
that freedom is not independence
but complete and total dependence on Him.
justice
in the early morning light
when the sun's rays just awake
and the shadows flee the earth
i could be found dancing with justice,
his laughter forcing the darkness to hide,
his eyelashes beating like butterfly wings and
forcing a smile to the surface of my lips.
and in the midday, when the clouds are at their fullest
when it seems as though the sky is transparent
and there is no danger in sight
i can be found dancing with justice,
his little feet keeping in time with mine,
his heartbeat reviving a hope inside of me
that i had long forgotten.
even at twilight, when the stars have taken over
and there is only shadows that can come out to play
i would be found dancing with justice,
his fragile arms outstretched to the God of always
his little ashen hands extending more power than i've ever known.
it doesn't seem like much,
but when i saw him, i knew there was love to be found.
and so i did exactly what i said i did....
i danced with justice.
a harshly scripted farewell
she sat across the table, arms clasped tightly and folded pretentiously in her lap. "so you're telling me that after all the things we went through to be together, you're moving away?"
"that's what i'm saying. i can't be here anymore. circumstances have changed, dear. i'm not who i was, not who you thought i was, not who we thought i was, not who anyone thought i was, and i don't much know how to deal with that," he retorted defensively. didn't she understand how hard this was for him too? it's not like he'd planned on all these issues boiling to the surface and costing him everything, especially her. that was why he put up this defense; in all reality, he just didn't want to lose her. he reached across the table for her hands and she threw them down to her sides like anchors.
"this seems to be hurting me more than you, and i don't like that," she said with a frown on her face.
that's just because i don't want to admit this is getting deeper than i'd expected, he mused.
economics of spirituality
i've come to a very difficult place - a place where the economics of emotion rule. and in this case, in this kingdom, i am extremely broke and poor. this might come as a surprise to some, but to many i've become simply numb. there is an explanation for this, but i'm not altogether sure it's the sole reason that i've found myself in this place. and now i find that i can only see an oasis when there's music playing - in worship. when i sit down to pray, i'm a completely different person.
the reason?
when i worship, i only focus on how good God is. He is so merciful, He is faithful and kind, He is worthy, He is my shelter, my deliverer, He is altogether worthy and i live to give Him praise. but when i pray, that is when i have to take the bad in life with the good and present it to Him. the problem with this is that when i finally get to acknowledging the bad, i blame God for it.
but the truth is, anything bad we face in this life is a result of man trying to be without God. God is good and ONLY good. even in His judgement, He is good because His just, you see? and so by acknowledging the bad, i am ultimately acknowledging my need for a Saviour. and i need Him, there is no doubt about that.
hungry
i've discovered i have an insatiable hunger for the things i can't have.
which would be okay if God was unattainable.
accomplished
it's impossible for me to comprehend that in my 20 years of life, i have accomplished so much more than i ever thought i would. and this is only the beginning. a degree under my belt, graduation in may, 2 recordings, a song being chosen for a school project, touring the US with a bible school worship team that just wants to spread the kingdom...and i think i have a pathetic life. who am i to second guess what the Lord has blessed me with?! thank you, God, for making sure that my life never had even a chance of being mediocre. i'm achieving greatness only by your grace and I will not forget. can this be the launching point? can this be the beginning?
snip
it was a cold, chilly day in november when she said goodbye. through her many tears, she dejectedly uttered, "nostalgia just isn't enough anymore. i just want to love AND be loved. why is that so difficult to ask?" as he stumbled over his words trying to think of an adequate response, he came to the staggering realization that she was right. he had never really taken the time to love HER. she turned her back on him and began to walk away, each step driving the knife of goodbye deeper into his side.
as she walked away, each step a painful process of denying the very thing she wanted, she knew this couldn't be the end or she might die. she was so in love with him, every inch of who he was, every part of his being...and he had no idea. nor had he cared enough to find out. he was bored with her because she wasn't good at playing hide-and-seek with her feelings. and now her heart was the door prize - turned - doormat.
friendship gained, friendship lost.
there are murmurs of the past echoing in my ears
calling out, hoping to reach some sort of canal
hoping to make sense to me
but i'm not making out the syllables anymore
maybe i'm too far ahead to reach back and
bring the past to my present.
invincible
the reality of death is never
as real as when it is staring you in the face
its hollow eyes piercing all your paradigms
its vapid mouth breathing stench in your nostrils and
you can't even speak
its shrill scream piercing the night and
making the very hairs of your body stand straight
death is a monster that consumes
the jock
the joker
the mom
the dad
the best friend
the prom queen
the CEO
it tickles your ears in the symphony of this life
it entices you, tells you its more beautiful than what you think
but the reality of it all is that
death is nothing more than our eventual fate.
we are not invincible.
we are never invincible.
the artist's lament
i catch my moods in pans as the rain pitter
patters down and swirls into my sentiments.
for a heart to be loved it must be recognized.
invisibility is only a gift in the movies.
nowhere in history can you find
an invisible man who was recognized
for although they count it as strength
it is their ever consuming weakness.
and my sentiments are being stuffed in my heart
so deep i think the bottom might fall out and
spill all over my insides. a beautiful tragedy.
for i am void and find no location to express
the things i think that could rattle the
foundations of my own thoughts.
where art and humanity collide
finds a girl who is deeply involved in her mind
someone who can't pretend like the tempest
is non existent, for it is altogether consumption
i must find a way to express these longings
before i explode into a million pieces
and in my desperation to be something more,
start using each piece for another clever catch phrase
there has to be a way i can get this out
to find the freedom that i seek inside my mind
it isn't a bondage, it's volunteer captivity
but still, there is a price to be paid
my heart must be worn inside out.
hagar
there's a south wind blowing, and the breeze bites at my flesh as i wrap my shawl tighter around my fragile, chilling body. i am turning around in circles, hoping to take another look in some direction and find some kind of distinguishing factor that will point me in the right direction. alas, nothing.
this is not unfamiliar to me in my few meager years of life. i have been here before, and will not be surprised if i find myself here again. each time i end up in the middle of this tundra, wrapped in solitude and crazy thoughts, i am surprised that i have once again been dropped here. there is something to be said of a woman who tried different things and got the same result.
the wind blows again, and i'm altogether sure that it's more than the breeze that is biting. perhaps it's the foul words that were uttered to return me to this place. i have once again been abandoned and am realizing second by second, sitting on this boulder, that i have not learned from my mistakes.
i am fragile and thick headed. i am arrogant in my own rights and insecure in all my own efforts. i am strong and sensitive. i am a rebel with a cause. i am afraid of standing out even though i despise normality. and it confuses people. so, just like when an owner is tired of its puppy, i get left here with a bit of food and water, hoping someone else will pick me up and take me home. hey, better luck next time, right?
but it's been wrong thus far.
so i stand up with my black shawl like saran wrap pressed against my skin, and steam escapes from between my lips as i shout: "WHY? after all of this, the lessons learned, everything i've been through, why would you let another one abandon me like this? why would you leave me out here to fend for myself?"
and the silent answer echoes back from the startling blue skies: "cause i can't have you any other way."
chills run like roaches down my spine, this infectious disease called humanity has once again been made apparent by the gentlest voice that this world has ever known. and it's in this moment i understand everything that's happened to me my whole life:
i was not abandoned pointlessly.
i was abandoned to my Creator, my Beloved.
He wants all of me.
and i must give Him all of me completely.
i wrap myself in the warmth of this new discovery, and start walking. who cares what direction? for i know my Beloved will always guide me Home.
more than enough
i find i am so desperate to be heard that i don't listen
and so desperate to be seen that i don't seek
i look for love instead of letting love look for me
.backwards all is it (?)
what can satisfy this confusion and longing
this desire to be known?
only that God that knows me and has shaped me
with the very palm of His hand,
the same hand that contains my destiny?
how can i see this beauty and claim it's not enough?
what a selfish, frail being i am
and what a demanding child i've become.
Lord, i promise, someday i'll get it.
and someday Your love will be more than
"more than enough"
beautiful
i'm having one of those moments.
the kind where you see something you used to long for so bad you weren't sure you could live without it. and then you were forced to live without it...but now you're glad you let it go because you would have never found the best thing that happened to you?
i tripped in the waves and scraped my knee today.
i don't know why i said that, but it reminded me of falling in love you: painful, but so worth the evidence.
i'm so in love with you and you don't even know it. :)
choices.
today, i talked to an admissions counselor at the college i've always planned to go to. he was extremely friendly and had a great smile. every question i asked was met with a very professional yet opinionated answer, and he knew just what to say to make me more and more impressed with a school that already impressed me. he gave me shortcuts and options that made everything seem that much easier. and 30 minutes later, as i walked away, i left with a sense of resolution.
a couple days ago, i was trying to sleep to avoid the impending nausea that i knew was coming due to the minor turbulence our plane was going to face in the stages of landing. i had knocked out easily with a specific dream of him and i, sitting on the couch in our newly furnished home, eating snap peas and watching moulin rouge. it was quite a beautiful scenario. and 2 minutes into it, as my head popped off my pillow, i found a sense of resolution.
two random happenings that have one major connection.
my life is finally falling into place.
i'm going to be a christian counselor. i'm going to transfer to SAGU and get a bachelor's in professional development (specializing in christian counseling) and then i'm going to get my master's in counseling psychology; which, by the time i graduate, will have me prepared for the LPC (licensed professional counselor) test. and i'm going to help people with it. my bachelor's in professional development will help me land a good job while i finish school so i can help lots of sexually abused women who are almost always left to an un-licensed person who has been through the crucible of abuse, or a professional who is too far removed from the subject matter to really understand. i want to be a light that has both aspects; experience and a degree.
and i think he's it. that's all i'm going to say on that matter, considering i'm too scared to commit to an ice cream flavor i ordered 5 minutes before.
i think i finally understand what i was made to do.
pot of gold
where the sun sets and beyond the cloudy horizon
lies a place where only the brave dare to trod
and their shoes are tattering and their jeans are torn
but if you asked any wayward traveller, they'd tell you it was worth
selling all the gold in the world to find this one precious jewel
as dreams fade into the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
smiling with the end of the road in sight
beautiful in the meadow, frightening in the stark night
this place is only to be found by the ones willing to find
and only to be discovered by the ones willing to search
if you found it you would never go back
never give up
never long for the past
for finding love is one of the greatest adventures known to man.
walking advertisements for pain.
come one, come all!
come see the girl who knows
how to ruin a perfectly good thing
with a golden touch
she can open her mouth and turn joy to rust
she can move her fingers and melt love into hatred
with one quick flick of her wrist she can paint disaster
and she does it all for the low price of your heart
what a master at her craft!
have you ever seen anyone like her?
the brilliant destruction that lies before her
at the end of each show
...you'd never know she regrets it every time.
come one, come all!
come see, come see the girl
who is capable of ruining even the
simplest of joys.
come one, come all!
come see, come see the girl
who turns pure joy into mere sorrow.
the girl who just wishes she could get it right this time,
the one time it actually matters.
the girl who is truly sorry.
oh, dear. don't cry.
in the land of comparison, there is no winner.
no absolutes. just...broken scales
tainted by the sands of time
stained by the sorrow of yesterday
and nobody knows how to play the game anymore.
it's all convoluted
where up should be down, east is west
and the sky is green and the grass is blue
the problem lies within the human heart
for above all, it is deceitful.
for one day, it could tell you you're unworthy of it all
and the next, it reminds you that you're falling in love
alice in wonderland made more sense than this uncharted territory
...at least for me.
prince charming prefers going for walks now
and hourglasses are frozen in place
a pawn from the life-size chess board is left alone in the dark night
the living candle is constantly looking over his shoulder.
while the universe may be against some altogether
i'm altogether sure that i'm just in an alternate universe.
love/strife
i am finding that love is often born in the midst of strife. when the flood comes in, there are two choices: there is the decision to evaluate the cost of it all and decide that you know what? you were never really willing to pay the price in the first place. which is fine, you're mostly grateful that you made that decision before you had to sit through the storm, you're grateful that it wasn't love in this case. and there is the decision to sit down and look behind you; to see all the memories, the good and the bad, and to realize that this person has genuinely just made your life better. the way they talk, the way they live, the adventure they bring, it's just all making your life happier than you ever were before. and this storm that is knocking on the door might bring complications, and you might even have to lock your door and lock them out, but you only do it because you know it's for the best. and that is when you know love has been born.
and this is where i find myself. the storm has come upon me, and rapidly. i have already chosen what i am going to do. you've never been bad for me. not until now. you're like a natural sedative. when i see your rejection, it gives me no purpose to be awake and enjoying the world, for the world is significantly less enjoyable without you. i am adventure-less. you think that i'm locking you out because i want the storm to whisk you away forever. but really i'm locking the door because i've left it open for so long that the storm has already brought damage and now i'm just trying to salvage the remnants. and if you'll be waiting once it's passed, you can come in and we can live happily ever after.
oh, how i despise the strife that brings love.
the point of no return
there's a fable that claims that christianity
is a pretty paved road that only has one lane
or an unblazed trail in an unabashed wilderness,
i'm not sure.
i've heard the story that christianity
is like running on a track,
running in circles but with a purpose,
but i'm not sure.
in fact, i'm altogether convinced
that christianity, that my faith
looks a little more like...
free running
benches, fences, plain obstacles
just trying to make it past the roadblocks
and then comes the part we never saw
it's the point of no return.
as i stand on the ledge of a very bold cliff
wondering what this means for my future
and i realize that this is the point that i must either
take the jump or turn around and go home.
and i find myself falling
falling
fall
ing
fa
ll
in
g
when i hit the ground running
i discover that i've never truly lived until this moment.
this is our problem.
this is our dilemma.
we stand on the edge of our personal cliff
complaining about how worship just doesn't "take me there"
or how the sermon "just isn't for me"
or how we just "don't feel God anymore"
but the problem is...
we will never know what it's like to be a real christian
if we never take the plunge into christianity.
i've never been so proud of a fall in my life.
[untitled]
does Your perfect love cast out every fear,
or am i still dominated in the day to day by the very things
i claim to have abandoned (no pun intended) long ago?
there is a longing deep in my heart
placed in the very core of my being, and not by me...
to be fearless and live my life in such a way.
but does Your perfect love cast out every fear?
original
my fragments are forced to the surface
i am choosing to make known the torrent of emotions churning on my insides
even though i wish to deny
that i'm denying myself and have been all this time.
where is the moment when i just finally understand?
i am looking around and find nothing substantial
nothing that seems to make all this make sense.
i want to change
but changing myself is the one thing i shouldn't change.
You're blocking my creative flow
the way i would describe You would be blank
for there are no words in my heart or overeducated mind
to describe the passion that motivates me to take another breath
i am inspired in my lack of inspiration
because You live and move in and through me
i can feel Your redeeming blood pumping through my veins
and even though my nomadic nature desires a change,
the only change i want to make
is to be more like the Original.
midnight diners and ingrid michaelson
make me think funny things. could this be more perfect?
oh, sure it's not the oh-so-stereotypical romantic flick we might hope for it to be.
but i'm quite positive i'm alright with that.
oh please, oh please be mine.
this transcends all past understandings i had about wanting someone.
this transcends all past feelings i thought i knew.
this transcends all questions i could ever ask
this transcends all the love i thought i could contain.
oh please, oh please be mine.
season's change
oh, my dear, i thought it was different this time.
but here we sit, this spot on the avenue that is so familiar to my heart.
was i always really this expendable? this worthless?
i'm blown back by the realities slapping me in the face
just like the bitter wind you promised wouldn't bite
why should i miss you? your words were probably always so empty
why should i wish you were here as i watch you walking away without one glance back?
and i keep coming to the same conclusions:
maybe you were never there.
maybe you were never the man i thought you were.
maybe you just shattered my heart into a million pieces.
maybe now i understand why love is such a plague.
abraham
i am standing before this altar, knife in hand
wishing this could have played out much differently
for the blood i am preparing to spill is much more valuable that my own
yet i am reminded of the cause, and will not back down from this predatory stance
my dreams are worthless here
everything i created in my mind couldn't compare to the task that lay ahead of me
to carve my Master's name in the heart of an innocent sacrifice
and say it's all in the name of love?
i know that trust is so debatable in the peak of my humanity
and i don't want to be known for generations to come as a coward
because i know my God is greater than even the circumstances He orchestrates
He will prove Himself faithful...right?
oh, God, be with me.
the knife is shaking as my blade descends,
and i...i....
...i don't know the end of this story.
[untitled]
as the thunder rolls across the sky
i'm left alone to my torturous thoughts
oh, Lord, deliver me from myself!
i'm in pure agony wishing i'd known how to stop
wishing i'd known how to protect him from myself
wishing i was an angel that the world could behold
and yet, my disgusting humanity is made blatantly apparent
and as it pours sheets of rain
i feel my heart breaking a million times over
for when i feel the nearest to you
that, that moment, is when i fall the hardest.
please God, understand my contrite heart
see me in my brokenness and utter resistance
and understand this fragile existence
that's really doing the best it can.
Lord, i'm really doing the best i can.
eruption
gotta soothe the pain of the boiling tide that's washing over my logic and making my heart race. my head is pounding and i think it might explode. my hands balled up in fists, heat escaping from my body through the shouting that erupts from my mouth. nothing is going to soothe this irritation continuously scratching at my heart till it bleeds. make me raw and expose the insides to the whole world, especially those i care for the most. will they be able to handle the monster raging inside of me? the one that hibernates for decades and only lashes out on the rarest of occasions? the one that forsakes all thought and reason and understanding and compassion and just desires to take something down? welcome to my anger.
writer's block
tell me something to say to break this inadvertent cycle of holding my proverbial tongue
running out of words is a foreign concept to an artist like me,
painting pictures with the syllables that rattle off my tongue
and yet here i sit, with absolutely no way to articulate the dreams lingering on my insides.
glimpses of the past month
"before i lay me down to sleep
my incoherent thoughts seem to stumble into something condusive
like another world, a fairytale.
and when i wake once again,
i find that my seemingly captivating thoughts
were merely misfirings in my brain called
dreams."
"fear shoots down my spine, i feel like it's all coming to its demise. and then you speak little god-whispers, a lullaby that drowns out the storm."
"i wished on my star that you would be waiting for me in the distant corridors of my oh-so-fragile heart, reminding me of your willingness to take up permanent residency. oh, how i hope the search is over."
"love, when it is true, when it is right, will complicate the simple, yet simplify the complicated. but love, when it is wrong, will complicate both the simple and the complicated."
"you asked me for a love song so i'm writing you goodbye"
edge
i've run so far and now i can't seem to break the winner's ribbon. i want to stay on this side, because it's all i've worked for and i wouldn't want it to be over. but i know if i break that line, it's all done. there's no walking back over the that line and taping the ribbon back together. it's the end of everything i've battled through and trained for. do i dare cross the line to discover what's on the other side?
waiting.
you promised me the world hand in hand,
dream in dream, lifetime in lifetime,
you promised me that no matter what the outcome,
i'd always be able to stare at you and smile.
and perhaps that's still the case.
but here i stand, sitting on my hands
the most beautiful contradiction i've never
wanted to walk away from.
i just want to see my name handwritten
all over the confines of your oh-so-broken heart
because i know that in the end,
my name looks better there anyway.
yet here i stand, sitting on my hands
praying that you'll come back and never leave
even though you never walked away.
dream in dream, lifetime in lifetime,
you promised me that no matter what the outcome,
i'd always be able to stare at you and smile.
and perhaps that's still the case.
but here i stand, sitting on my hands
the most beautiful contradiction i've never
wanted to walk away from.
i just want to see my name handwritten
all over the confines of your oh-so-broken heart
because i know that in the end,
my name looks better there anyway.
yet here i stand, sitting on my hands
praying that you'll come back and never leave
even though you never walked away.
careful, the beverage you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.
thanks, starbucks. i wouldn't have remembered had i not seen that beautiful green printed reminder on the bottom of the cup.
[sigh] i wish life had reminders like that:
careful, the love you're about to enjoy is a lot like that coffee; if you're not careful, you'll enjoy it for a moment, but you'll end up burned and with a bitter taste in your mouth.
[sigh] i wish life had reminders like that:
careful, the love you're about to enjoy is a lot like that coffee; if you're not careful, you'll enjoy it for a moment, but you'll end up burned and with a bitter taste in your mouth.
gold and silver
i like cheap jewelry.
by the time it breaks, i'm totally over that fad anyway. not that i don't have some pieces of jewelry i could love for the rest of my life, but i can always find something better when that piece signs its expiration notice.
my friend got me a beautiful necklace from london! and it was so beautiful, i wore it everyday even though it felt like an anchor around my neck. i didn't care. it had a pretty leather strap and it was a massive bronze leaf. and it was from england. so i treasured it and cherished it, even though it was much less than a thousand pounds. nothing too valuable, but to me it meant the world. and the other day, i felt a snap(!) and when i looked down, the strap had broken. to which i responded, "no no no NO!" and shuffled back to my apartment with my head down. i even debated having a funeral for it.
and this bracelet i'm wearing, my grandmother got it for me and i'm quite jealous for it. it makes me feel like an egyptian princess. i wear it when it matches, i wear it when it doesn't. if i could wear it everyday and not look like i'm obsessed with it, i most likely would. it was less than thirty dollars. okay...less than twenty dollars. and yet i treasure it. it's turning copper in some places. it's not supposed to be copper, it's supposed to be gold. and two of the beads that ornament it? they're gone. i don't know where they went. it's quite a sad piece now. but it'll have to break before i stop wearing it. (knock on wood)
and my rings. "live" and "dream" are tan-lined into my fingers. those rings are the most valuable pieces of jewelry. they were forged into cheap silver rings. and while it might look like they're dying, i won't stop wearing them. they are so important to me, i wear them everyday, and i feel naked without them. and of course, it doesn't make sense to wear jewelry that doesn't look the way the rings in the magazines look. and of course, it doesn't make sense to have rings that appear to be fading and outdated. but i've chosen to love these rings - they represent who i am. no matter how much i paid for them, i will love them. of course, having paid a bit more than i intended for them, and having to pay to get them dipped in platinum someday soon - is costly, but absolutely worth it.
why am i talking about jewelry?
what is the point of everything i'm rambling on about?
i like cheap jewelry. as humans, we like cheap affection. even when people are failing us and they're breaking us down in places, we try to fix it and will wear them into the ground. because while we can have them, we treasure it. but, let's be candid. by the time the relationship is broken, we're ready to throw it away anyway. sure, it hurts, and we want to mourn the brokenness, but we never invested much in it in the first place.
but those rings - my faith - is priceless. my God will never fail me. He is so good to me all the time. and i'm sure it doesn't make sense to some people and it might look like my beliefs are fading and outdated, you can't convince me to walk away. where other things (people) have failed me, God will NEVER fail me. and i can't just turn my back on that. and sure, it's costly. i'm daily committing suicide to my flesh - but what i invest in this love - it's totally worth it.
(and it's more precious than gold or silver)
by the time it breaks, i'm totally over that fad anyway. not that i don't have some pieces of jewelry i could love for the rest of my life, but i can always find something better when that piece signs its expiration notice.
my friend got me a beautiful necklace from london! and it was so beautiful, i wore it everyday even though it felt like an anchor around my neck. i didn't care. it had a pretty leather strap and it was a massive bronze leaf. and it was from england. so i treasured it and cherished it, even though it was much less than a thousand pounds. nothing too valuable, but to me it meant the world. and the other day, i felt a snap(!) and when i looked down, the strap had broken. to which i responded, "no no no NO!" and shuffled back to my apartment with my head down. i even debated having a funeral for it.
and this bracelet i'm wearing, my grandmother got it for me and i'm quite jealous for it. it makes me feel like an egyptian princess. i wear it when it matches, i wear it when it doesn't. if i could wear it everyday and not look like i'm obsessed with it, i most likely would. it was less than thirty dollars. okay...less than twenty dollars. and yet i treasure it. it's turning copper in some places. it's not supposed to be copper, it's supposed to be gold. and two of the beads that ornament it? they're gone. i don't know where they went. it's quite a sad piece now. but it'll have to break before i stop wearing it. (knock on wood)
and my rings. "live" and "dream" are tan-lined into my fingers. those rings are the most valuable pieces of jewelry. they were forged into cheap silver rings. and while it might look like they're dying, i won't stop wearing them. they are so important to me, i wear them everyday, and i feel naked without them. and of course, it doesn't make sense to wear jewelry that doesn't look the way the rings in the magazines look. and of course, it doesn't make sense to have rings that appear to be fading and outdated. but i've chosen to love these rings - they represent who i am. no matter how much i paid for them, i will love them. of course, having paid a bit more than i intended for them, and having to pay to get them dipped in platinum someday soon - is costly, but absolutely worth it.
why am i talking about jewelry?
what is the point of everything i'm rambling on about?
i like cheap jewelry. as humans, we like cheap affection. even when people are failing us and they're breaking us down in places, we try to fix it and will wear them into the ground. because while we can have them, we treasure it. but, let's be candid. by the time the relationship is broken, we're ready to throw it away anyway. sure, it hurts, and we want to mourn the brokenness, but we never invested much in it in the first place.
but those rings - my faith - is priceless. my God will never fail me. He is so good to me all the time. and i'm sure it doesn't make sense to some people and it might look like my beliefs are fading and outdated, you can't convince me to walk away. where other things (people) have failed me, God will NEVER fail me. and i can't just turn my back on that. and sure, it's costly. i'm daily committing suicide to my flesh - but what i invest in this love - it's totally worth it.
(and it's more precious than gold or silver)
deeper
as the world around her crumbles
beauty dancing in her eyes
you could never begin to imagine
all the pain that lies inside
she can charm you into thinking
she's much more than just "alright"
but on the inside, she is trembling
and can't shake the terror of that night
not that healing hasn't come, oh no,
she's faced it and moved on
but even now she finds herself
fearing noises until the dawn
she can wash her sins away
but this one was a stain
left by someone else's iniquities
in her sleeping sanctuary of pain
but as her eyes dance in the moonlight,
her curls resting around her face like a halo,
something is changing. maybe finally, she finds the peace
that passes what her mind can conceive.
maybe finally, she knows that even though there will be days
there will be nights, where she can't shake the pain,
she isn't alone. and He will rock her to sleep. His
hands would never wander, His arms are safe,
His love for her is endless.
maybe finally, it'll all be okay.
beauty dancing in her eyes
you could never begin to imagine
all the pain that lies inside
she can charm you into thinking
she's much more than just "alright"
but on the inside, she is trembling
and can't shake the terror of that night
not that healing hasn't come, oh no,
she's faced it and moved on
but even now she finds herself
fearing noises until the dawn
she can wash her sins away
but this one was a stain
left by someone else's iniquities
in her sleeping sanctuary of pain
but as her eyes dance in the moonlight,
her curls resting around her face like a halo,
something is changing. maybe finally, she finds the peace
that passes what her mind can conceive.
maybe finally, she knows that even though there will be days
there will be nights, where she can't shake the pain,
she isn't alone. and He will rock her to sleep. His
hands would never wander, His arms are safe,
His love for her is endless.
maybe finally, it'll all be okay.
for your entertainment
she was a spectator's invisible man. dressed in clothes that were the latest trend in 2000 minus a few years. maybe some of her teeth were missing, maybe her hair was falling out. i would never have noticed her had it not been for the glaring spotlight God shone down on her today at around 3:52 p.m.
i never knew that things would take a turn when the hands that fed her were temporarily dried up. and in the end, i think i got more out of the whole thing than she did. it was amazing to hear her gasp and cry and shout, "i've never shopped at wal-mart before!" from laughter to praises to desperation and the revealing of her stab wounds from an abusive past, God reminded me that this is the kingdom.
the kingdom is more than a little group of people singing "onward christian soldier" and potlucking their way into battle. it's more than planning for months for an event...at another church. we're living in a failed utopian attempt called the american church, and we're forgetting those in need. and never again will i be held guilty of this crime. the man with polio that i refused to pray for...still haunts me even in others' speech. this woman changed things. not only for me, but for those i'm going to reach someday.
you never know, i could possibly be entertaining angels unaware.
i never knew that things would take a turn when the hands that fed her were temporarily dried up. and in the end, i think i got more out of the whole thing than she did. it was amazing to hear her gasp and cry and shout, "i've never shopped at wal-mart before!" from laughter to praises to desperation and the revealing of her stab wounds from an abusive past, God reminded me that this is the kingdom.
the kingdom is more than a little group of people singing "onward christian soldier" and potlucking their way into battle. it's more than planning for months for an event...at another church. we're living in a failed utopian attempt called the american church, and we're forgetting those in need. and never again will i be held guilty of this crime. the man with polio that i refused to pray for...still haunts me even in others' speech. this woman changed things. not only for me, but for those i'm going to reach someday.
you never know, i could possibly be entertaining angels unaware.
road trip
my fingers are dripping with masterpieces yet to be written
where reality ends and my imagination begins, somewhere beyond the neverland
dreams only to be grasped by invisible fingers, truth penetrating my sleepless night
waking up short of air only to wish the air would prove itself to be a nightmare
in a shack on the side of the road between yesterday and today
i rested in the contentment of knowing what the future might hold
yet wishing i could comprehend how much this path would wind and twirl 'round my fingers
the wind came and blew away my sentiments briskly and i'm left with the figurative clothes on my back
symphonies yet to be sung, falling off my lips
oh my dear, what a well composed appearance of a song!
desires once exposed by desperation, now enmasked by a facade
perhaps one day my heart will be safe enough to again bask in the sun.
desires to show myself worthy come kicking to the surface
what would it feel like to be immortalized in stone, like a god? (am i allowed to think that?)
once in a while it seems acceptable to wonder and wander and ask myself if i could be this infamous
greed and lust for fame overtake me and i am quickly disinterested
it took thousands of miles,
four cities,
and hours of sentiments
in a foreign land
to truly get me home.
where reality ends and my imagination begins, somewhere beyond the neverland
dreams only to be grasped by invisible fingers, truth penetrating my sleepless night
waking up short of air only to wish the air would prove itself to be a nightmare
in a shack on the side of the road between yesterday and today
i rested in the contentment of knowing what the future might hold
yet wishing i could comprehend how much this path would wind and twirl 'round my fingers
the wind came and blew away my sentiments briskly and i'm left with the figurative clothes on my back
symphonies yet to be sung, falling off my lips
oh my dear, what a well composed appearance of a song!
desires once exposed by desperation, now enmasked by a facade
perhaps one day my heart will be safe enough to again bask in the sun.
desires to show myself worthy come kicking to the surface
what would it feel like to be immortalized in stone, like a god? (am i allowed to think that?)
once in a while it seems acceptable to wonder and wander and ask myself if i could be this infamous
greed and lust for fame overtake me and i am quickly disinterested
it took thousands of miles,
four cities,
and hours of sentiments
in a foreign land
to truly get me home.
tragic flaws
oh, don't mind me sitting here.
i know i seem to be alone, but he's coming.
i'm another ignorant romantic casualty.
who knew i'd be fooled even again?
oh my love, i can't wait to be reunited.
the stories i have to tell you! the things
that have been left unsaid...i'm beside myself
in anticipation.
my romeo will be here shortly.
he said he was coming soon...do you see him?
i can't seem to find him on the horizon.
but he said he would come, so don't worry.
must i be reminded that even romeo had a tragic flaw?
maybe you were never there, my dear.
i know i seem to be alone, but he's coming.
i'm another ignorant romantic casualty.
who knew i'd be fooled even again?
oh my love, i can't wait to be reunited.
the stories i have to tell you! the things
that have been left unsaid...i'm beside myself
in anticipation.
my romeo will be here shortly.
he said he was coming soon...do you see him?
i can't seem to find him on the horizon.
but he said he would come, so don't worry.
must i be reminded that even romeo had a tragic flaw?
maybe you were never there, my dear.
playing disaster
ambivalence measure in fragmented broken utterances
extravagant things to be said with lackluster words
confusion professed in a purposeful manner
and nobody seems to know what i'm trying to say.
i'm just attempting to orchestrate
a sweetly distressed symphony
something that tickles, then bites the ears
only for the purpose of opening your eyes for a minute
i'm tapping my conductor's baton and now
here comes my brilliant orchestra with ready minds and open hands
are you listening? to the much fuller version of myself
with spilled accidentals and failures
and backstabbing sharps and disappointing flats
as i raise my hands to play disaster...
will someone please point out that i'm in the wrong key?
extravagant things to be said with lackluster words
confusion professed in a purposeful manner
and nobody seems to know what i'm trying to say.
i'm just attempting to orchestrate
a sweetly distressed symphony
something that tickles, then bites the ears
only for the purpose of opening your eyes for a minute
i'm tapping my conductor's baton and now
here comes my brilliant orchestra with ready minds and open hands
are you listening? to the much fuller version of myself
with spilled accidentals and failures
and backstabbing sharps and disappointing flats
as i raise my hands to play disaster...
will someone please point out that i'm in the wrong key?
self-diagnosis
i don't quite know exactly what i'm trying to accomplish by sitting down and writing this piece that is pouring involuntarily out of my fingertips. and maybe i won't resolve it, since that seems to be the way to make an impact nowadays.
maybe i'm looking to my writing to expose something that i can't seem to uncover by internalizing my examinations. perhaps there's some kind of excavation i'm seeking to produce from this. who have i become? who are you? what should i do about the situation? what is the situation? and will i spend the rest of my time and my words on questions that i'll never answer?
so this is my diagnosis: i think entirely too much. but maybe i won't resolve it this time, since that seems to be the way to make an impact nowadays.
maybe i'm looking to my writing to expose something that i can't seem to uncover by internalizing my examinations. perhaps there's some kind of excavation i'm seeking to produce from this. who have i become? who are you? what should i do about the situation? what is the situation? and will i spend the rest of my time and my words on questions that i'll never answer?
so this is my diagnosis: i think entirely too much. but maybe i won't resolve it this time, since that seems to be the way to make an impact nowadays.
lucifer
oh, how beautiful you are! bejeweled, radiating the very music that penetrates the soul. no horns or tail to be found here - rubies, emeralds, sapphires, amethyst, garnets....but most of all...diamonds. transparent. shimmering - you truly are the most beautiful creature God created. especially when you shine. i mean, shone. it's been a while, hasn't it? i'm sure you remember...oh, i'm sorry, is that too agonizing for me to mention? but you were certainly...breathtaking. you knew how to play the strings of His heart - and i'm certain you could...well, can, and do, play mine so well that i'm spellbound. maybe that's why you get me. i mean, you know exactly how to slow me down (sometimes completely stop me). we both use music to reach Him. to reach anyone. ah! bejeweled, but with no light to radiate in. transparent, shimmering, but altogether devoid of purpose. without the one who made you...all you are is worthless. you can't bring me down to your level - and it kills you, doesn't it? oh, lucifer. you know nothing of who i am. the difference between you and i, is that i'm His and that's not going to change. enjoy your darkness.
surprise!
i'm not a very informative writer most of the time. it's mostly likely because i find that i reveal more of myself in an instance where i just sit down and tell you what's going on in my life than when i hide it behind pretty words and line breaks. but i must say, when i found out my parents were in dallas and that i was going to see them for the first time in 5 weeks, i was quite determined to make it an epic experience.
and epic it was. they held me while i worshipped. they loved on me until i couldn't breathe anymore! they told me how wonderful i was and gave me their full attention. they bought me coffee and stroked my hair. and when it was all said and done, they just did what parents do.
after all of this stress and worry and anxiety, the moments where i wanted to curl up in my mother's arms and cry because i felt like my life was one big mess and that martha was winning and i'd never be mary again, the moments where i doubt the work He has done in my life, the moments i feel like giving up...God sent me a miracle in my parents' visit. He knows just what to do to make my days smoother. and they say i need a man. ha! no man could measure up to my Husband. he'll have to be pretty breathtaking to even distract me temporarily.
parents always know just what to do. :)
and epic it was. they held me while i worshipped. they loved on me until i couldn't breathe anymore! they told me how wonderful i was and gave me their full attention. they bought me coffee and stroked my hair. and when it was all said and done, they just did what parents do.
after all of this stress and worry and anxiety, the moments where i wanted to curl up in my mother's arms and cry because i felt like my life was one big mess and that martha was winning and i'd never be mary again, the moments where i doubt the work He has done in my life, the moments i feel like giving up...God sent me a miracle in my parents' visit. He knows just what to do to make my days smoother. and they say i need a man. ha! no man could measure up to my Husband. he'll have to be pretty breathtaking to even distract me temporarily.
parents always know just what to do. :)
i am martha
if you only knew, Lord.
i've had lots on my mind. it's not like i'm a sitting duck anymore. rehearsalworkschoolstudyingmusicworshipwritingreadingprayingfastingtalkingsharingsleepingfighting.
running here, jogging there, pacing the floor making sure i got everything done because if i didn't someone is going to notice and my completely perfectly micromanaged world that looks good all on the outside will come crashing in. i am martha.
oh, Lord, how i long for the days when i had time. how i wish it was like the days of mary, when i would sit at your feet and listen to your confessions of love sung and spoken over me. when i knew life couldn't be any better.
but then life got the better of me.
now i'm wishing that i wasn't upset and worried about many things
for only one thing is needed, and mary has chosen what is better.
if you only knew, Lord.
i've had lots on my mind. it's not like i'm a sitting duck anymore. rehearsalworkschoolstudyingmusicworshipwritingreadingprayingfastingtalkingsharingsleepingfighting.
running here, jogging there, pacing the floor making sure i got everything done because if i didn't someone is going to notice and my completely perfectly micromanaged world that looks good all on the outside will come crashing in. i am martha.
oh, Lord, how i long for the days when i had time. how i wish it was like the days of mary, when i would sit at your feet and listen to your confessions of love sung and spoken over me. when i knew life couldn't be any better.
but then life got the better of me.
now i'm wishing that i wasn't upset and worried about many things
for only one thing is needed, and mary has chosen what is better.
if you only knew, Lord.
musicmakers
the breath of my lips brushes the wind, (and)
breathe deep, for this could last forever
as the angels' wings (like wind chimes) flap from north to south
shimmering in an emerald glow
(and) what's before my eyes is near impossible, (but)
what's inside my heart is sheer reality
(oh!) how i wish you could hear it, too!
these music makers (plucking the very strings of my soul)
their eyes blink like tambourine hits
percussive heartbeats, melodious sighs (and)
as a chill fills the room, their icicle-breath like a rainstick
(would you?) sing over me, musicmakers
for i am mesmerized by the songs of angels
breathe deep, for this could last forever
as the angels' wings (like wind chimes) flap from north to south
shimmering in an emerald glow
(and) what's before my eyes is near impossible, (but)
what's inside my heart is sheer reality
(oh!) how i wish you could hear it, too!
these music makers (plucking the very strings of my soul)
their eyes blink like tambourine hits
percussive heartbeats, melodious sighs (and)
as a chill fills the room, their icicle-breath like a rainstick
(would you?) sing over me, musicmakers
for i am mesmerized by the songs of angels
to walk in their sandals
i desire to abide on the mountaintop
for i am like moses; and long for Your glory
and i wish i could reach to the heavens
for i am like jacob; and dream of that day
i crave the moment when i will sit at Your feet
for i am like mary; and find nothing more precious
and i hunger for the moment that You call me 'friend'
for i am like abraham and would give You all i love
i covet the days when You will go before me
for i am like david; broken, yet anointed
and i seek out the moments when i see Your eyes of fire
for i am like john; and declare You are sovereign
i want to know how it feels to be restored by Your touch
for i am like the sick woman; diseased, afflicted, and desperate
but i know that You're faithful and i'll love You forever
for i am like job and know You are God.
for i am like moses; and long for Your glory
and i wish i could reach to the heavens
for i am like jacob; and dream of that day
i crave the moment when i will sit at Your feet
for i am like mary; and find nothing more precious
and i hunger for the moment that You call me 'friend'
for i am like abraham and would give You all i love
i covet the days when You will go before me
for i am like david; broken, yet anointed
and i seek out the moments when i see Your eyes of fire
for i am like john; and declare You are sovereign
i want to know how it feels to be restored by Your touch
for i am like the sick woman; diseased, afflicted, and desperate
but i know that You're faithful and i'll love You forever
for i am like job and know You are God.
wanderings
i'm feeling like there's something important on my mind, but i'm not persistent enough to chase whatever it might be. maybe next time.
goodnight, moon.
goodnight, moon.
[untitled]
the blinking cursor on the page is threatening me, and i find that although i have everything in the world to say, i'm not sure if my thoughts can make it all the way to my fingertips tonight. all i know is that the questions swimming around in their heads are contagious and now i can't stop thinking about all of this. i feel utterly rejected yet again today. they poke and prod with their playful words and their playful nature and i'm so easily provoked to tears. i'm sure they don't want that. but it's days like these where i feel like i'm crazy and nobody gets me and that i'll be alone forever. i know, it sounds crazy, but it's so true for me as a college student. as i grow and change, will you stay? i was hoping they'd lease on a house and they didn't. and all my plans are falling through. i don't really know quite what i'm trying to say, all i know is that the tears that have been camping on the brink of my eyelids are going to come raining down any minute.
storytime
where are the bible stories for people like me?
i don't find one moment in the bible that includes "open mouth, insert foot" or "she ruined her love life with her sarcastic tongue and strong personality". i can't even seem to find "she was ever changing and it scared her friends away". maybe i'm crazy for thinking bible characters would have struggles like me, struggles to be accepted, struggles to be enough, struggles to contain their overflowing joy and laughter. i'm sure ruth and job and peter had plenty more worries than i. but i can't help but wonder what my story would look like if i was in the bible.
there was a girl, a very broken girl, near the village where jesus was staying. she was a beautiful girl with lots to offer: a beautiful voice, a giving and sacrificial heart, maturity...but she was also known for her loud mouth and clumsiness, her crazy stories, and her ability to run people away. one day, she'd finally had enough and she went to find jesus to ask him why God would make her such a reject. during the time she was travelling to the nearby village, she pondered in her heart why people couldn't love the complicated woman she was becoming. for she was only a child, and still learning. the more she thought, the more embittered she became, and when she entered the citadel, she was ready to tell him about it. but when she saw his face...the face of acceptance, sufficiency, unashamed joy and laughter...it all changed.
i wish someone in the bible felt like that so i could relate to them right now.
i don't find one moment in the bible that includes "open mouth, insert foot" or "she ruined her love life with her sarcastic tongue and strong personality". i can't even seem to find "she was ever changing and it scared her friends away". maybe i'm crazy for thinking bible characters would have struggles like me, struggles to be accepted, struggles to be enough, struggles to contain their overflowing joy and laughter. i'm sure ruth and job and peter had plenty more worries than i. but i can't help but wonder what my story would look like if i was in the bible.
there was a girl, a very broken girl, near the village where jesus was staying. she was a beautiful girl with lots to offer: a beautiful voice, a giving and sacrificial heart, maturity...but she was also known for her loud mouth and clumsiness, her crazy stories, and her ability to run people away. one day, she'd finally had enough and she went to find jesus to ask him why God would make her such a reject. during the time she was travelling to the nearby village, she pondered in her heart why people couldn't love the complicated woman she was becoming. for she was only a child, and still learning. the more she thought, the more embittered she became, and when she entered the citadel, she was ready to tell him about it. but when she saw his face...the face of acceptance, sufficiency, unashamed joy and laughter...it all changed.
i wish someone in the bible felt like that so i could relate to them right now.
romanced
i spent a little time with Him today. oh, how wonderful it is to hear His whispers of love so much clearer than i have in ages. i am truly in love with everything that He is. how could i see the love he poured out, chemically infused in every drop of blood He shed on the cross, how can i see that and be so calloused? i am a wretch saved by grace, and that is the only redemptive quality i have in my flesh and bones. how presumptuous of us to think that we come to God and we choose Him on our terms. no, God predestined my heart to be His. He knew the way my heart would beat (even if it is inconsistent at times), He knew the sickness and disease i would face, He knew the fears i would fight, He knew the tears i would cry. He knows my favorite color, He knows what music i like. He can finish my sentences, He laughs at my jokes...He knows how to paint the sunset to remind me He's here...and He knows just when to make it rain. you want romance? He's been pursuing my heart since the foundations of the world. why? because He wants to make me, shape me, into something that showcases His greatness. because in my nothingness, He is something. in my weakness, His strength is displayed. in my insecurities and insufficiencies, He is security and sufficiency. what a beautiful picture of a love story. and yet so often, i am found like a raving mad animal, hunting it down in bookstores and in coffee shops and in apartment complexes...man or woman, poor or rich, small or tall...i'm craving love. why can't i seem to remember that His love is staring me in the face and i'm just too dense to reach out and take it? i don't mean to so often put myself down. for i know that i am a beautiful portrait of the Father's love for His people. i know that i am beautiful on the outside AND the inside, i am confident that my spirit is that of a warrior and that because of it i will do great things, and i know that even though sometimes i may fail, i live a life close to the character that is mentioned in proverbs 31, and i am still striving. but it's in times like these, when i am looking back so i can look ahead, that i realize just how far i have to go. and right now, that challenge is going to be embracing His love even more.
into the wild
the sun isn't nearly as merciless today in this place of desolation.
it's been a while now, and i haven't yet tired of this wilderness experience. i've been restoring the ancient words of the women who have come before me, and i'm finding such sustenance and power in the things they spoke and wrote, and although it hasn't happened yet, hopefully i will write something like they did to leave it behind for the next woman that passes through. i'll shatter it on the ground as well, though. words are so meaningless when handed to you effortlessly, the work you do to understand it all makes them come to life.
i've realized quite a few things about myself in this place. i will not be understood fully by any human being, and to expect such a thing is just setting myself up for failure and disappointment. that's the tragic beauty in humanity: we don't understand one another. and in that knowledge, i am an utter fool if i am not exactly who my Husband lovingly shaped me into being. don't you understand? i'm not like those quiet, ladylike women that churches seem to be so extremely fond of. i am a lover and a fighter. i am a rebel with a cause. i am armed and dangerous. and that's just going to have to be okay with you, because my Beloved is quite jealous for it.
i've been asked why i find it necessary to compare myself to gomer when there obviously were many other women that have been in this place. and this is the only sufficient answer i can bring: i have prostituted my heart to undeserving men and have neglected to remember my first love and His faithfulness to me. and for that, i am truly sorrowful.
but my greatest sorrow in my discoveries here can only be marked with one word: forgetfulness. oh, how quickly i forget His faithfulness to me and long for my knight to come gallavanting through the bushes, sweep me off the sand and onto his horse, and once again ride into the sunset. but i'm starting to discover that even if it was time to start out on the trail, i'm not sure i'd want a ride anyway. mostly because i am fearful that i would forget again. i know it breaks His heart, and that's what breaks mine.
" 'she decked herself with her earrings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but Me she forgot,' says the Lord." [hosea 2:13]
it's been a while now, and i haven't yet tired of this wilderness experience. i've been restoring the ancient words of the women who have come before me, and i'm finding such sustenance and power in the things they spoke and wrote, and although it hasn't happened yet, hopefully i will write something like they did to leave it behind for the next woman that passes through. i'll shatter it on the ground as well, though. words are so meaningless when handed to you effortlessly, the work you do to understand it all makes them come to life.
i've realized quite a few things about myself in this place. i will not be understood fully by any human being, and to expect such a thing is just setting myself up for failure and disappointment. that's the tragic beauty in humanity: we don't understand one another. and in that knowledge, i am an utter fool if i am not exactly who my Husband lovingly shaped me into being. don't you understand? i'm not like those quiet, ladylike women that churches seem to be so extremely fond of. i am a lover and a fighter. i am a rebel with a cause. i am armed and dangerous. and that's just going to have to be okay with you, because my Beloved is quite jealous for it.
i've been asked why i find it necessary to compare myself to gomer when there obviously were many other women that have been in this place. and this is the only sufficient answer i can bring: i have prostituted my heart to undeserving men and have neglected to remember my first love and His faithfulness to me. and for that, i am truly sorrowful.
but my greatest sorrow in my discoveries here can only be marked with one word: forgetfulness. oh, how quickly i forget His faithfulness to me and long for my knight to come gallavanting through the bushes, sweep me off the sand and onto his horse, and once again ride into the sunset. but i'm starting to discover that even if it was time to start out on the trail, i'm not sure i'd want a ride anyway. mostly because i am fearful that i would forget again. i know it breaks His heart, and that's what breaks mine.
" 'she decked herself with her earrings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but Me she forgot,' says the Lord." [hosea 2:13]
dear mascara wearing man i met in the paseo tonight,
...i totally would have said something had i not been mesmerized by you. gosh, you're beautiful.
...i totally would have gone out with you had you not been wearing makeup. gosh, you're vain.
:)
...i totally would have gone out with you had you not been wearing makeup. gosh, you're vain.
:)
oh, i'm terribly sorry...was i in your way?
i'm sure that i'm not the first to argue that abandonment makes bigger ripples in the water than previously thought. abandonment doesn't just hurt the person leaving. it hurts those who are being left even worse. having been abandoned before birth shouldn't be such a big ordeal, and i've always wondered why it bothered me so much. one can understand when a couple chooses divorce and the child takes the blame, or when someone leaves, has an affair, and the kid thinks it's all their fault...and they carry that fault, that blame, that guilt, with them for the rest of their lives.
i am no different.
just because my father left before i was born doesn't mean that i was blind to the pain it caused my mother. i watched her cry more times than i'd like to recall. and it's amazing: such a selective memory at a young age, yet an extensive amount reminds me of the agony of his departure and the ripple effect it had on my family. the hatred, bitterness, confusion, and utter sadness. and it would make sense in my mind to blame none other but me. for if i hadn't been concieved, he would have stayed with her. she'd still be in springfield and they'd still be together. and my mother would always promise me that it's better that it never happened. so why did she cry? but before i beat the topic to death, i'm saying all this to say i'm afraid of being an inconvenience. it's a battle i've been fighting for about two years now, and it gets better everyday.
but when someone DARES to think of someone else as an inconvenience, i don't care if i make them angry or not, i will not allow ANYONE i love to know the same fear that i'm fighting. when it comes to the smallest things, i will fight tooth and nail to ensure that they don't even see the fight over their needs.
it's amazing how inconveniencing i'm willing to be when it's not about me.
i am no different.
just because my father left before i was born doesn't mean that i was blind to the pain it caused my mother. i watched her cry more times than i'd like to recall. and it's amazing: such a selective memory at a young age, yet an extensive amount reminds me of the agony of his departure and the ripple effect it had on my family. the hatred, bitterness, confusion, and utter sadness. and it would make sense in my mind to blame none other but me. for if i hadn't been concieved, he would have stayed with her. she'd still be in springfield and they'd still be together. and my mother would always promise me that it's better that it never happened. so why did she cry? but before i beat the topic to death, i'm saying all this to say i'm afraid of being an inconvenience. it's a battle i've been fighting for about two years now, and it gets better everyday.
but when someone DARES to think of someone else as an inconvenience, i don't care if i make them angry or not, i will not allow ANYONE i love to know the same fear that i'm fighting. when it comes to the smallest things, i will fight tooth and nail to ensure that they don't even see the fight over their needs.
it's amazing how inconveniencing i'm willing to be when it's not about me.
first thoughts of 2009
"not that i speak in regard to need, for i have learned in whatever state i am, to be content: i know how to be abased, and i know how to abound. everywhere and in all things i have learned to both be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. i can do all things through christ who strengthens me." [philippians 4:11-13]
this year has rung itself in with so many beautiful opportunities. i get to go to china this year, hopefully i'll be singing at cfni this year, i'll be graduating from the two year program this year...the list could go on. but there will be challenges, i'm sure. and i'm going to be content. sure, i have a few resolutions of my own, but will any of them amount to anything if i'm not content not only with who i am, but who He is for me? this year, i mostly resolve to be sold out to the One who paid for me with His life.
wow i don't like sparkling grape juice unless it's white. haha.
what better way to ring in the new year than with family, friends, and most importantly, my faith? this is going to be a good year, i can feel it. and not because of anything in its natural composition. i'm going to make it a good one!
God, You are so wonderful. thank you for another year to be alive, another year to abound gracefully, another year at CFNI (the best thing i could ever do), another year to share everything You are with everyone who doesn't know. thank you so much for entrusting me with the work of the Kingdom. i am certainly undeserving and i won't pretend like i am worth the risk. but thank You, Lord, for seeing who i will be and pushing me to get there.
2008 is gone, and so are my valleys.
welcome to 2009: the year of the unabashed wilderness.
this year has rung itself in with so many beautiful opportunities. i get to go to china this year, hopefully i'll be singing at cfni this year, i'll be graduating from the two year program this year...the list could go on. but there will be challenges, i'm sure. and i'm going to be content. sure, i have a few resolutions of my own, but will any of them amount to anything if i'm not content not only with who i am, but who He is for me? this year, i mostly resolve to be sold out to the One who paid for me with His life.
wow i don't like sparkling grape juice unless it's white. haha.
what better way to ring in the new year than with family, friends, and most importantly, my faith? this is going to be a good year, i can feel it. and not because of anything in its natural composition. i'm going to make it a good one!
God, You are so wonderful. thank you for another year to be alive, another year to abound gracefully, another year at CFNI (the best thing i could ever do), another year to share everything You are with everyone who doesn't know. thank you so much for entrusting me with the work of the Kingdom. i am certainly undeserving and i won't pretend like i am worth the risk. but thank You, Lord, for seeing who i will be and pushing me to get there.
2008 is gone, and so are my valleys.
welcome to 2009: the year of the unabashed wilderness.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
